Archive | January, 2012

A Bachelor bummer! Plus your faithful correspondent “opens up.”

31 Jan

Not too many silver linings in this cloudy week, as two women are left saying “what did I do wrong” as they’re shown the door. Most everyone has spoken or thought those words at some point. Sigh.

I’m kind of annoyed at Ben. In this election year the ridiculous “who would you want to have a beer with” question has been asked a couple of times. Well, to address that question as it pertains to this show, I’d have to say I would much rather be at the Dizzy Rooster in Austin having a brewski with that establishment’s proprietor (and the last Bachelor) Brad, than in Sonoma having some wine with Ben. He probably spits it out after tasting it too. Wuss.

Brad and I could hit the Chugging Monkey after that, which I believe is the name of his other bar. Then again he might want to talk about Emily, an even more annoying subject than Ben.

So back to Ben: it is a bit cruel to pick up a rose and twirl it around as a prelude to … not giving it to someone, in this case Elyse. Since I went on record putting her chance to win at 1,000-1, I’m not surprised she didn’t get a rose, but it was still a sad moment.

Which brings us to the other woman who had to leave… Jennifer?! I thought blindsides were only on Survivor! A sweetie who had gracious things to say as she was escorted out. I wondered briefly if being the shortest contestant amid this leggy group worked against her, but then I remembered that Ben thought the similarly tiny Ashley Hebert was, as she would say, “per-FACT.” Weird, especially after Ben just went on record calling his last date with Jennifer “rad” (that word choice does not exactly lower the annoyance factor).

“Opening up” seems to be the favorite term of this season. Ben loves girls who make him open up. He wants to know their very honest feelings about what is going on in their hearts…  except if the thing they want to get off their chests is that they hate Courtney.

I think opening up is very overrated.

Time to update the odds to win.

Blakely: still 500:1

Maybe she really is only 34 as the show claims. And yes, she opened up this week, to Ben’s delight. But I just don’t see it. Another thing I didn’t see before tonight is the huge tattoo on her wrist. Yuck.

Rachel: still 100:1

What a woman! Ben doesn’t seem to think so though.

Emily: falls to 50:1

Ben seems more annoyed than anything with the long-legged PhD student. Emily is very cute. She is kind of a “one-issue candidate” right now, let’s hope that changes.

Casey S: still 30:1

The previews for next week showed what could only be the death or severe illness of a close relative of hers, unfortunately.

Jamie: still 25:1

Nothing seems to result in camera time for her, not even the eye-popping three seconds when she was in a bathing suit. Yowza.

Nicki: still 7:1

The DFW divorcee is a dark horse.

Courtney: falls to 6:1

I have no idea how she gets work as a model and actually think she’s kind of ugly. Well, from the neck up anyway. Even though she went skinny-dipping with Ben this week, I have faith that even a doofus such as he will start to see through her.

Lindzi: still 5:1

Right now she seems destined to be the one left at the altar in favor of…

Kacie B: 3:2

Note, when asked what her favorite book was, she said “It’s so hard to choose just one. I’ve read so many.” Hmm, sounds like she’s never read one and is trying to cover up.

Next week: the group travels to Panama City. Will the road to romance be bumpier than Noriega’s face?




We hardly knew ye… a look at the Bachelor rejects so far

26 Jan

I thought a quick recap of the departed contestants would be in order.

Amber B.: The Canadian nurse didn’t make it past the first show. To put it in terms a Canadian would understand, not getting a rose is tantamount to Ben saying “take off eh.”

Amber T.: She was the one from rural Nebraska who mentioned sheep balls as a delicacy more than once. Maybe it was some other kind of balls, but … no man wants his mouth near the balls of any living being. No surprise she was out at the first rose ceremony.

Anna: A beautiful blonde Canadian whose gimmick was that she sassily walked past Ben when she got out of the limo and didn’t talk to him. This might have worked to great effect if they were both in a bar, with Ben facing a dull night of sports talk with the same old buddies until he saw her sashay past and was intrigued by how hard to get she was. Unfortunately, this is the Bachelor where 24 other equally beautiful women were throwing themselves at Ben. Low hanging fruit won out and she was ousted on the first show.

Brittney: She’s the one whose grandma accompanied her onto the first show. She (Brittney, not her grandma)  subsequently decided she just wasn’t attracted to Ben and left the show … why take away face time from a girl who is really feeling it? In the real world this would be admirable behavior, though in the Bachelor world it was spun as some kind of major character flaw.

Dianna: I don’t really remember this first-show oustee, but I am turned off by her claim that she has “started five kitchen fires on accident.” I’m not bothered by the fires, but by the fact that she says “on accident.” I doubt even the two Canadians would stoop that low.

Erika: She has a tattoo inside her mouth! Gross.

Holly: I don’t remember her but she says her worst date ever was with “an absolute geek that had on 80’s clothes in 1997.” Now that it didn’t work out with Ben, perhaps that gent is still available for a cozy night watching Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo? No doubt he has a Betamax player, so no problem there.

Jaclyn: Not cute and a BIG-time crier. So much so that her exit was never shown on-screen, she just ran off to the bathroom to cry. It’s only Ben, lady.

Jenna: The incredibly awkward blogger. Every exchange between her and Ben was painful. The only thing worse than saying things that make you cringe later is doing it with half the nation watching. Most of America probably identifies with her to some degree.

Lyndsie: The unusual-looking Brit. I think I could take the cleft chin and the accent, but the gal seemed to intent on telling the world how funny and personable she was, which is very annoying. No big shock that she got the boot.

Monica: Seemed more interested in hitting on the other girls than on Ben — who would have thought she’d be the first limo crier of the season when she was ousted this Monday? It makes me understand limo crying better… maybe it’s more about being called the worst out of 12 people than any kind of romantic deal. I certainly wouldn’t want to be the worst of a group of 12 at anything, no matter how irrelevant the category.

Samantha: Cute until she started talking. I had her pegged as the Southern girl who goes to college with the plan to get her MRS degree at any cost… but now I see she’s from Pittsburgh, and 26.

Shira: Absolutely don’t remember her but props for having (almost) the same name as Hawkgirl.

Shawn: The single mother who’s a financial advisor.  Sort of relieved she didn’t make it to avoid the 10,000 mentions of her single motherhood that would have resulted.

Now we come to the big question: are there any potential future Bachelor Pad contestants in this group? I would tend to say only Monica would make the cut — dishing out zingers and hitting on other girls would make for good TV. Though watching the Bachelor and looking ahead to Bachelor Pad would be like watching the Super Bowl and wishing you were watching the Pro Bowl.

My first Bachelor blog post: let’s begin our journey…

20 Jan

A disclaimer right from the start: since I fast-forward through all boring parts of the show, I’m probably not qualified to write a blog about The Bachelor.

But there are things that need to be said. Or as Ashley Hebert once put it, “There’s something I have to gat off my chast.”

On to my observations:

– If you’re standing near a 300-foot crater and need to take off your pants, you shouldn’t try to step out of them 16 inches from the ledge the way Ben and Jennifer did.

– The 300-foot drop looked like it was really about 20.

– Much as masked man Jeff had his own “creepy” accompanying music on the Bachelorette, Courtney now has her very own “bitch” leitmotif.

– Speaking of Courtney, I’m not sure if Emily described her as doe-eyed or dew-eyed, but either one is funny.

– Anytime a large group gets together to chat on this show, they sit in a half-circle, shoulder touching shoulder, so that one camera can show everyone. I can’t believe I just noticed it now, and didn’t notice it on the Bachelorette — even two straight guys sitting shoulder to shoulder is borderline unheard-of in world history… how did they get 15 dudes to do it?

– Mark Cuban obviously had some sort of facelift, and it looks terrible (this is in reference to the “Shark Tank” commercial).

And now it’s time to handicap the candidates for the rest of the season, complete with odds, from least to most likely to win:

Elyse — 1,000:1

I have yet to meet, speak to, or hear about anyone who finds female bodybuilders attractive. Elyse the personal trainer is so ripped she is just one step from being a bodybuilder. ‘Nuff said.

Blakely — 500:1

I don’t see the “34” year old beating out the competition here.

Rachel — 100:1

Kind of impressive, very womanly, but I can’t see a guy who proposed to Ashley H. being interested in someone so different.   Ben more or less said he wasn’t feelin’ it during the show.

Casey S. — 30:1

Wow, was I wrong about Casey. Only about one sentence per show was heard from her early on, and I had the gorgeous Midwesterner pegged as a bit shy, in a cute way. Wrong: she’s a bitch. But since Ben seems a bit slow about these things, I’m reluctant to count her out completely.

Jamie — 25:1

The plucky nurse was my pick to win after the first show, but I must have forgotten that Ben is the one making the choice, not me. She seems to have the best personality in the house but Ben is leaning more toward the bombshells thus far.

Jennifer — 20:1

Nice girl-next-door or psycho? I could see her going either way before all is said and done. I tend more toward nice.

Emily — 15:1

Very cute and has the most personality of anyone but Jamie… but again I am not the Bachelor. She is being psyched out by Courtney and should just start ignoring the malicious model, but that’s easier said than done.

Nicki 7:1

Dark horse alert for this DFW sweetie. She could definitely crash the top 3 and is getting juuuust enough camera time to make me think she might.

Lindzi 5:1

Her outdoorsy charm is admittedly lost on me, but not on Ben. He has probably never seen her name written out and thus does not hold that absurd spelling against her.

Courtney 3:1

Let me go against the conventional wisdom that Courtney has no redeeming qualities besides beauty. I disagree: Courtney has no redeeming qualities. By which I mean: she’s not cute! Who is giving this woman modeling work? Ben would apparently disagree.

Kacie B — 3:2

Kacie is a lock to at least make the hometown visits, and I would give her about a 95% chance to make the final two. Not because she’s the cutest girl on the show (though she is) but because of the suspiciously high amount of screen time she gets. After watching the show for two hours it’s weird to have something happen in life and not get Kacie’s adorable reaction. What, Joe Paterno died? What’s Kacie’s take on it? This may get much less adorable after a couple more shows’ worth.

That’s all I have for tonight. As last season’s player/douchebag Bentley so famously said, dot dot dot …