Model citizens, zero discipline

7 Feb

Let me “open up” about something: I initially wanted to try and get through this whole post about the Panama episode without referring to the Van Halen song of the same name. Sorry, I wouldn’t have had the willpower to do so. So at least I got it out of the way in the subject line.

Observations:

– Genius move by the nation of Panama to host this week. I’m serious. Noriega has been out of power for about 20 years, so it was nice to get some impressions of the country that had nothing to do with the pock-faced strongman.

– At no point did we hear “in relationships you need to dig a canal to togetherness” or any such metaphor. Major missed opportunity.

– As the show came back from commercial, we got subtle glimpse of a sign that said “Trump Ocean Club.” I can’t believe I just used the words Trump and subtle in the same sentence.

– I was somewhat confused by the salsa-dancing lesson in the two-on-one date. The dance instructor kept counting “1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7.” I would have wanted to insert a 4 into that series. I guess that’s why dancing isn’t for me.

– The two-on-one date was the subject of much teeth-gnashing, as it is every season, but I would compare the fuss to the annual NCAA tournament “play-in” game between the 64th and 65th team. Yes, only one of the two will advance… but whether it’s Louisiana-Lafayette or SUNY Stony Brook, neither has any chance whatsoever to go on to win the national championship! So why worry too much about it?

A quick look at the three contestants who were eliminated:

Blakeley

Scrapbooks and clippings can be quite cute. For example, some couples keep a scrapbook of every movie ticket from every date a couple has been on. Awww, adorable. Blakeley’s scrapbook of Ben was not that sort. I found it quite creepy.

Ben is usually a sucker for the “slut” approach, but Blakeley was just a wee bit too psycho for him (and me), and our suspicions were confirmed by her reaction when she didn’t get the rose. I was somewhat surprised by the lack of a “limo cry”, but there was no emoting that she hadn’t already gotten out of the way before getting into the vehicle.

Casey S.

This shocking revelation is a Bachelor world exclusive: a hot chick broke up with a guy she was no longer serious about, and yet still “kept him warm” just in case! Ever heard of such a thing, men of America? Hmm, every guy in the USA is raising his hand, and I had to stop typing because I was raising both of mine. How weird. OK, don’t stop the presses after all.

Still, Chris Harrison is suitably outraged. And when Ben hears about it, he is outraged about something far worse: failure to open up.

This whole thing makes me mad. Chris sanctimoniously announces that “three different people” have informed him that Casey is still in love with a certain Michael back home. No doubt Michael himself, Michael’s mom, and Michael’s sister were Harrison’s three “independent” sources. And yet they use this to drum her out of the show. Casey hints in every possible way that she does like Michael but simply thought she might be able to do better. Not exactly admirable… but what further proof does Chris need that it’s over than her going on a dating show?

Way to heap shame on a girl for no reason, producers.

Jamie

Well, my pick to win it all (after the first episode) is history. Mostly because Ben is a dope. In other news, Jamie overthinks romance, which is actually pretty cute.

Moving on to the remaining contestants who are not contenders to actually win:

Emily

“There is another man in my life,” she confesses to Ben. I was all ready for the next sentence to be… “He has a blog about this show… it’s only had 4 or 5 entries so far but I am so blown away by it that I feel the need to lavish love on him with my unbelievable body.” Alas, that’s not where she was going with it, she was leading up to a joke meant to get a mini-rise out of him.

Still, Emily 2.0 is here. She even tried to make peace with bitchy Courtney. What a gal. As Van Halen might say: Yeah, we’re runnin’ a little bit hot tonight!

There is one negative in the Emily file: To put it mildly, her rhymes are wack. One rap (in the first episode) was kind of cute. She should not have given us today’s encore. Panama reference: I seem to remember that at one point Noriega holed up in a place where US forces couldn’t go (an embassy?) and they drove him out by blasting annoying music at all hours. Emily’s raps could be used for that purpose.

Nicki

I don’t think she will win, but any guy could do far, far, far worse than this dental hygienist. Not that I want to jump in my car right now and drive to Hurst, TX, burst into her dentist’s office and hit on her, mind you. Dentist’s offices aren’t open at 10 p.m. silly! Hmm, that makes three teeth-oriented contestants in one year for this franchise: that quotable player Blake (dentist), the always “per-FACT” Ashley who broke Ben’s heart (dental student), and Nicki.

Rachel

Likable, but no chemistry with Ben. No shock that he picked her over creepy Blakely, though.

Now for the three contenders:

Kacie B.

Before we get to this affable gal: what is it with all the girls going on about what a he-man Ben is? The guy makes wine and spits it out when he tastes it (I assume). And when it came to this week’s date, and the chores of catching fish and splitting coconuts (both perennial Survivor tasks), he didn’t exactly look like the second coming of that show’s nature boy Ozzy. In fact, his coconut-splitting was on a par with that of Survivor’s all-time über-nerd, Cochrane!

Big-time red flag leading up to the date: both Ben and Kacie were worried about having to… have a conversation? It seems they have both noticed that Kacie does not run particularly deep. When asked about her interests, she mentions that she enjoys going to the grocery store.

When in doubt on the Bachelor, confess to a dark secret. Kacie’s is a high school eating disorder. It seems it got so bad that she stopped being a baton twirler and started being the baton. Ugh, did I just write that?

Courtney

The only model on the show, yet the ugliest girl on the show … on the inside and the outside.

Lindzi

Actually seems likable when she’s not going on about how outdoorsy she is.

Next week: Belize! I know so little about that nation I can’t even come up with a snarky reference, but the girls are psyched (i.e. faking it)!

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One Response to “Model citizens, zero discipline”

  1. bbachelorblog February 7, 2012 at 5:23 am #

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