A classic episode of The Bachelor! “The Women Tell All” … and show almost all

5 Mar

This one delivered entertainment, no doubt. But just as the show saved the best for later while first looking in on some ex-contestants, so will I.

In case anyone didn’t realize that the Bachelor reunions excerpted tonight made up the pool of potential future Bachelor Pad contestants, the producer made sure to show someone every ten seconds saying “Hmm, he would be good on Bachelor Pad,” or words to that effect (see my picks for who might make it from the current season here).

One of the first shots is of Kasey sucking face with a girl I didn’t recognize (not Vienna). I hadn’t heard about their breakup, but since they averaged about one fight per day on Bachelor Pad I am not shocked. I am kind of shocked that there seem to be other women vying for Kasey’s charms. His voice sounds like he has half-swallowed something, he gets a tattoo with a woman’s name at the drop of a hat, which is creepy, and his freestyle singing is horrendous. For all that, though, he does deserve better than Vienna, who is evil.

Then we see “Ryan Sunshine” from Ashley’s season and are told the ladies have all been making a beeline for him. Hmm, the fact that he is a very successful guy apparently did not go unnoticed. As Kanye West would say, they ain’t messin’ with no broke [individuals]. I really hated Ryan, but it is unfair that he gets grief for talking to Ashley about water heaters. You know why? Because when he did, it was in response to her asking him to talk about water heaters!

On to the “women tell all” part. They’ve got nothing to hide… certainly not skin. I find it hard to believe all of them would be ho-in’ it up to that degree, I think it’s more likely that the producers picked all of the outfits, what little there was of them.

By no means did they only invite the girls who made it relatively far — there were a few from very early on including Amber, the girl from Nebraska who was eliminated on the first show. She was not heard from on the entire special today, which is kind of a relief because I didn’t want her to mention eating sheep balls again (it might have been some other animal’s balls, but the objection is the same). Unstable Jenna was there too and only got about one sentence, unless you count her amusing rapprochement with Monica as the closing credits rolled.

We soon hear from Brittney (the blonde from Colorado who brought her grandmother the first day), who tells us she had zero attraction to Ben. Makes sense, though that doesn’t explain why at the time she called quitting the show the toughest decision of her life.

Then we hear from Samantha the ex-beauty queen on… well, just about every topic. Now, this being reality TV, it was no big shock to hear her say t*ts or even c**t. But did she really say “face-***king” on national TV? I think I ruled Samantha out too prematurely as a potential Bachelor Pad choice!

Our first guest is Shawntel the mortician, back to face the gals who gave her such an icy reception during the season. Ladies, do you really want to cross someone who knows how to dispose of corpses?

Meanwhile, Emily has analyzed her season with her PhD candidate’s brain and reached a conclusion she should have reached much earlier… Ben is not that great. No. Kidding.

Of course, the big highlight is when Courtney comes out to face the music. Monica gets things started by noting Courtney’s “a liar, vapid, manipulative, not nice, and hurtful,” and it continues from there. Though the lamest criticism came from Jennifer: “We were like six days in and you didn’t know my name.” Women worry too much about these things. With guys, it would have to be six months to be considered a big deal. Maybe a year.

Back to Courtney: she made no attempt to defend anything and apologized profusely for everything, but the daggers were not sheathed even after several mea culpas! It was riveting TV. Finally it was time for Courtney to leave and I was expecting some nice hugs from her former (?) rivals, but no! We even overheard Nicki, the #1 sweetheart of the show, mutter to Kacie that there would be no hug from her, and Samantha lowered the boom with “she’s a c**t, end of story.” (By the way, the part about t**s hanging out and face-you-know-what-ing was in regard to Blakely, not Courtney.)

Then it was time for Ben (Monica could have just as easily called him vapid) to come out for a bit, and for Chris Harrison to build suspense about the final two. Or is there suspense? Courtney did not sound like she was speaking as Ben’s significant other, that’s for sure.

Snap! Killshot!

 

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