Bachelorette Season Premiere: I “put myself out there” for another season of recaps

14 May

Hmm, a mere 90-minute premiere? If memory serves the first episode of The Bachelor last season ran three hours!

I have a feeling there will be a lot of fast-forwarding this season, since Emily is a really boring person. So I decided to start the pilot by skipping right to the new contestants.

Notables include:

Kalon: He says his meeting with Emily “could be the first day of the rest of my life.” Uhhh, Kalon, it will definitely be that.

Kalon makes his grand entrance in … a helicopter! Dude, Emily was on the Bachelor, which means she’s logged more hours in a helicopter than some guys who were in ‘Nam. I don’t think she’ll be impressed.

Anyway, the luxury brand consultant seems to be the “designated villain” of the season, but I have yet to see Kalon do anything bad. That does not bode well for drama potential.

David: A songwriter who sings a song he just composed about Emily. It goes “Emily, Emily, Emily, uh-oh.” Shades of Wes and his favorite (and only) composition, “love… it don’t come ee-ZAY…”

Jef: His look and hairstyle are that of a 1950s teen idol. He’s CEO of some kind of water company. He’s from Utah. And makes his entrance into the show (and Emily’s heart) on a skateboard, as the producers add music that reminds me of the music in one of my favorite levels from Crash Bandicoot 2.

Tony: A single father, workout fiend and lumber trader from Oregon. His come-out-of-the-limo shtick involves a Cinderella slipper. He missed the golden opportunity to take this tack: “I trade in the finest quality lumber, but I’ve never gotten wood like I did when I saw you.” No charge for that line, Tony.

Randy: His shtick is a grandma outfit, in a parody of the girl in Ben’s season of the Bachelor who brought her mother with her.

Ryan: Ex-football player in the Arena League and with the Amsterdam Admirals. I have actually watched some Admirals games in my day, believe it or not.

Stevie: Besides being a professional Kalon-hater, he’s a party MC who busts some moves for Emily when he gets out of the limo. This MC is wack.

Wolf: A “data destruction specialist.” No, he did not offer to “erase any records of Brad in your brain.”

Michael: Long-haired rehab consultant from Austin. His bio reveals that he has no tattoos. Bro, I thought you were from Austin!

The first impression rose goes to Doug, who has kids of his own and bonds with Emily that way. BO-ring!

Given the ouster tonight by Emily are: the only black contestant; a 41-year-old guy from Midland who has 6 kids and 6 tattoos; the marine biologist (no, not George Costanza); a couple even more forgettable guys, plus Jackson the fitness model. As the credits rolled, Jackson said “She missed out on a great guy, and a great body too,” and took of his shirt to reveal a physique not seen outside of Men’s Health or Marvel Comics. You may be a wee bit too in love with yourself, homes.

 

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