“Is there a ‘but’ coming in here?” The Bachelorette 5/21/2012

21 May

The quotation above was spoken by Joe, who heard Emily talk about what a great guy he was at the end of their one-on-one date, and correctly surmised that she was about to dump him. Indeed, Joe did not get a rose, as Emily sensed that he was not “the” guy. If she’s that honest with everyone this is going to be a fast season!

The episode begins with scenes of Charlotte, including a sign with many arrows showing the distances from Charlotte to various cities and states. The camera zooms in on the part that says “Texas 1,275 miles.” Hmm, Charlotte and Texas are pretty far apart … did anyone fail to get that Brad reference? If so, you need my “Symbolism 101” DVD set which I’m offering for just $79.99.

The first one-on-one date of the week is actually with Ryan, the former NFL Europe football player. When he hears that he’s the one chosen, he changes from a T-shirt into a … different T-shirt. Then, as Emily drives him to her house, Ryan says that “to be honest” he doesn’t care what they do on the date. Yeah, right. As it turns out, they bring in groceries and make cookies, which is just as fun to watch as it is to read about.

Meanwhile, the group date involves the bachelors performing with the Muppets in front of a crowd that, like so many Bachelor crowds, has not one man in it other than Chris Harrison. The “opening up” moment comes when Charlie is visibly nervous about having to do comedy. Anybody who saw William’s disastrous “Ashley… who gives a s**t” routine from the previous season should be! But instead it turns out Charlie has a bit of a speech impediment that he’s self-conscious about.

The only bachelors left at home (along with date returnee Ryan) are Arie Luyendyk Jr., Travis the ostrich egg guy (who does not have the egg with him… didn’t he just swear an oath to carry it around forever?), Joe who would get the boot later in the episode, and Sean the towheaded Dallas guy. Whether Sean has seen the Charlotte-Texas sign is unknown.

Let’s talk about Kalon, the designated villain of the season. I still haven’t seen him do anything bad, though his smirk would likely get on almost anyone’s nerves. Among the bros in the house, the fact that Kalon has a big vocabulary is seen as a personal affront for some reason. Stevie the New Jersey party MC has a bee in his bonnet about Kalon, but the latter just says “I wouldn’t like me either if I were you, bro.” I think Emily is more amused by Kalon than interested in him. It’s a long way to Kalon’s hometown of Houston, Texas… you sure you don’t want to buy my symbolism DVD?

Meanwhile Emily confronts Jef (“I Was A Teenage CEO”) about why he avoids talking to her or even making much eye contact with her. I’m not sure, but: could you picture Dolly Parton dating Anthony Michael Hall from the Breakfast Club? If not, you’ll have a hard time seeing Emily with Jef.

It’s time for the cocktail party, and Tony the lumber exec sees Ryan, who already has a rose, monopolizing Emily’s time. Tony heads over to cut in, but Ryan counters by whipping out a letter he wrote to Emily, which she proceeds to read out loud in its entirety as Tony waits in the wings. Oh yes, and it’s seven single-spaced pages, which is ever so slightly creepy after one single date. Shouldn’t the dudes me more annoyed by that than by Kalon who neatly articulates his feelings in brief, pithy sentences?

At the Rose Ceremony, two are given the boot: Aaron, the biology teacher whose glasses were just too darn gay-looking to overcome, and a nondescript guy named Kyle who I hadn’t even noticed was on the show.

By the way, a final note about Joe who didn’t get a rose on his date: Emily said “He reminds me of Matthew McConaughey,” who of course, hails from Central Texas. See above sign. Buy my DVD.

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