“You’re outta here”: The Bachelorette 5/28/2012

29 May

We begin this episode with the guys gathering in the courtyard to… have the rules of the game explained to them for the second week in a row. Here’s an unwritten rule someone should have explained: if you’re going to stand around in a tight white T-shirt, you cannot have any trace of “man-boob.” Some of the bros did not get that memo.

The first date goes to Chris, and clearly Emily is feelin’ it. Possibly they are hitting it off because they’re both boring.

On to the group date, which actually turned out to be way more entertaining than it sounded: Emily’s friends, mothers one and all, interview the guys and report back to Emily. The two brunettes are nice, the Indian lady hardly gets a word in, and the blonde is either a bitch, is campaigning for her own show, or both. Who provides the most entertainment? The blonde, natch.

The biggest highlight is this exchange:

Bitchy Blonde: “Have you ever cheated on a girl? Don’t lie.”

John aka Wolf: (Pauses for 4 seconds and then gulps) “No.”

Blonde: “You’re outta here.”

Stevie, the Jersey Shore-like Party MC, busts some moves for the girls (making it three out of three shows for that shtick). Also, the women grill Travis about his ostrich egg (which he inexplicably has again after not having it last episode, and which he ends up smashing later in the show). After all of the interrogations are over, Emily brings in a bunch of kids for the dudes to play around with while she powwows with her friends.

Ryan the ex- NFL Europe player can’t resist the chance to crash the party to get extra face time with Emily. I did feel a bit sorry for the guy — his date on the last episode consisted of bringing in groceries and cooking, then he had to talk to Emily’s friends and play with some kids this time, and he escaped that only to be confronted with the scenario “what if Emily gets fat in years to come.” I bet running cone drills for the football coach didn’t compare with navigating that minefield, huh bro?

Anyway, the friends seem to agree that Sean (blonde insurance guy from Dallas) or Doug (sometimes-indignant father) would be best for Emily, except for one of the brunettes who didn’t object to studly Ryan’s honesty and gave him the nod. The fact that Emily’s pals ordered Sean to take off his shirt only to find that he looks like Steve Rogers after drinking the super solider serum likely didn’t hurt his case.

Back to Doug: we find out that he’s had a rough life, with an epileptic father and a mother Doug has nothing good to say about. Meanwhile, Tony (the lumber trader from Oregon) agonizes about being away from his son and leaves the show. I hate to say it, but I didn’t see him and Emily hitting it off anyway.

The second individual date of the episode goes to Arie, and he and Emily end up flying to Tennessee and the Dollywood amusement park. Emily is shocked to see Dolly Parton herself walk in … and even Dolly points out that it shouldn’t come as that big of a shock to see Dolly Parton at an amusement park owned by Dolly Parton. Gosh I wish I were watching Dolly Parton in the movie “9 to 5” instead of this show.

Cocktail party time. Kalon gets his face time right at the start… is this guy wearing makeup? He gets Emily peeved with his line “I love it when you talk but I wish you’d let me finish.” Then comes Alessandro, the Brazilian grain merchant who has not gotten much face time this season. His talk of making a “compromise” if he gets with Emily has her peeved, which at first I blamed more on her … don’t couples always need to compromise in a relationship? She understands it more along the lines of: he’d be compromising his principles as a stud bachelor if he got with her. The additional outtakes after the credits would seem to indicate that the latter is in fact what he was saying, at any rate Emily sends him packing even before the rose ceremony. As Sean later finds out and tells the guys, Alessandro told Emily’s friends that he had cheated on an ex with a one-night stand… and as we later find out, Alessandro’s girlfriend was a (distant) cousin! Whether the cousin was the long-term gal or the one-nighter will forever remain ambiguous, I fear.

Emily’s all insulted about her whole interchange with Alessando, so Arie gives her something else to think about: his lips. Ryan sees the smoochfest and gets bent out of shape. “He’s more of a dainty man and I’m more of a physical guy,” Ryan fumes to the camera. Though it’s safe to say Arie is no wuss, seeing as how he’s a professional Indy car racer. You would think the son of a Dutch racing legend and a former Amsterdam Admirals player would have hit it off, discussing windmills, wooden shoes, tulips and such. Oh well.

With Alessandro and Tony gone, only one person needs to be cut, and that person is Jersey’s favorite Party MC, Stevie.

Dude, you and Emily?

Fuhgeddaboudit.

 

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