Bachelor Pad Cast Announced!

18 Jun

With a heavy heart I had canceled my season pass to Emily’s boring season of the Bachelorette. But I had forgotten all about the impending season of Bachelor Pad! Let’s break down the newly announced cast!

The headliner of the group is surely Kalon, the metrosexual SMU alumnus famous for his line “I love it when you talk but I wish you’d let me finish.” Yesss!!!! Entertainment is almost guaranteed here. Can’t wait.

Also on hand:

Michael Stagliano…. what the? Has this guy not been dragged through the dirt enough? Last season he was joined by Holly, the ex-fiancee Michael had initiated a breakup with. He was very possessive of her and made it clear he still had strong feelings for her, though it was obvious to everyone but him that she was no longer really into it. Michael was the winner of the season, but at the reunion show Holly broke the news to him that she was engaged to Blake, the douchey dentist who was a quasi-villain. I’m not sure what indignities are left to heap on the dude, but I guess we’ll find out.

Ryan Hoag : His biggest claim to fame is that the last person picked in the 2003 NFL draft, earning him the title of Mr. Irrelevant! Unfortunately, this was almost a decade before that title led to an automatic lay. Bachelor Pad should make up for that.

Nick Peterson (“Bachelorette” season 7, Ashley Hebert): Bleach-blonde personal trainer with a soul patch, best remembered for being majorly ripped.

Tony Pieper (“Bachelorette” season 8, Emily Maynard): Another “what the…” choice. This was the lumber trader and single father from Oregon who was so guilty about being away from his son that he left the Bachelorette. So why is he doing an even more ridiculous show? By the way, this dude is ripped too. Do you see a trend here?

Ed Swiderski (“Bachelorette” season 5, Jillian Harris). W-wait… he was the winner of the Bachelorette, how come he didn’t live happily ever after? Just kidding.

Reid Rosenthal (“Bachelorette” season 5, Jillian Harris). Until recently he was dating Miss USA. Damn dude.

Lindzi Cox (“Bachelor” season 16, Ben Flajnik): Best remembered for coming to the Bachelor mansion on horseback as well as not knowing where her own parents were married. Also, when Ben invited her to spend a night in the fantasy suite she answered in the affirmative. That last thing is probably what caught the attention of the Bachelor Pad casting crew.

Blakely Jones (“Bachelor” season 16, Ben Flajnik): The VIP cocktail waitress who looked 10 years older than whatever age she was supposed to be. Other women love to make catty comments about her age and lack of virtue. You’ll recall Courtney the model’s line “Who knew hookers could play baseball” (or words to that effect). Who could have predicted Blakely would be on Bachelor Pad? Oh, that’s right, me, four months ago.

Sarah Newlon (“Bachelor” Season 11, Brad Womack). Hails from Brad’s first season… how ridiculous that they used the same guy for two seasons!

Jamie Otis (“Bachelor” Season 16, Ben Flajnik). Seemed like a sweetheart until her most infamous moment, the incredibly awkward climb onto Ben’s lap. If your inhibitions disappear when you have a couple of drinks in you, the folks from Bachelor Pad want to talk to you.

Erica Rose (“Bachelor” Season 9, Prince Lorenzo Borghese). Tired of women proposing sex in too-subtle or too-roundabout ways? Then Erica is the gal for you. She’s unrepentant about being a slut. On the weird side, she wears a tiara at every opportunity. Rumor has it that she and fellow Houstonite Kalon have known each other for a while. They are both TV gold.

Jaclyn Swartz (“Bachelor” Season 16, Ben Flajnik). My summary of her on her season was “Not cute and a BIG-time crier.” Apparently the latter outweighed the former in the minds of the producers.

Rachel Trueheart (“Bachelor” Season 16, Ben Flajnik). Beautiful, well-spoken and classy. Hmm, that last thing does not fit this group.

Mystery Man from Emily’s Season: Apparently one contestant from the ongoing season who has not yet been given the boot will be joining this cast. The heavy favorite in my book would be Ryan, the ex-football player who was not shy about saying he should be the next bachelor. Well, this is the next-best thing, bro.

The intrigues and hot hookups begin July 23rd.

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