Archive | August, 2012

“We’re not emotional alcoholics.” Bachelor Pad Episode 6

31 Aug

So says Kalon who alas was voted out along with Lindzi. As the episode closes, the horse-farm honey and the SMU smirk-aholic share a limo ride and plan their future together. Sweet.

The emotional alcoholics of this episode are Rachel and Blakeley. Though serial crier Jaclyn gets in plenty of crying too, out of sympathy. Why are Rachel and Blakeley so devastated? For Rachel it’s because she won’t see her new favorite guy for (maybe) one week, and for Blakeley it’s because Chris won a spelling bee. Seriously, that’s everything.

The spelling bee is good entertainment because the contestants are predictably horrible. Tony finds out what the competition is and says “Spelling is, like, the only thing I suck at.” Dude, I’ve seen you on two shows, I know that’s FAR from true.

Also featured is the first camera time of the season for Nick, who’s been just as boring here as he was on his Bachelorette season.

I fast-forwarded through about 75% of the episode, so it’s fitting to wrap up the recap equally speedily.


“The little puppet master lost at his own game.” Bachelor Pad Episode 5

28 Aug

I was mere seconds from giving up not only on this episode, but the entire season, when things turned around and this became the most enjoyable episode yet.

Key event #1 was that Chris Harrison announced an abrupt change in the voting rules, the result of which (just as producers intended) was that it was no longer a sure thing that Chris (the contestant) and Sara would be sent home. You know, I really should be a purist and disapprove of rules being changed mid-game, but every time they do something like this on Survivor or any show I’m thankful. Since Bachelor Pad really never had any integrity to compromise in the first place, why not?

The second key event was a brilliant move by Chris: unable to convince Erica that he’s not going to vote her out (a seed planted by Michael and his allies), he simply walks Erica into the voting booth with him so she can watch him drop his ballot for someone else into the slot! Genius.

The result is, when Erica is voted out, she realizes Michael was actually behind the whole thing, and as per the twist of this episode that called for the woman voted out to choose which man leaves, she picks Michael to leave the show. Not only that, but she lets him have it with both barrels, the coup de grace being “The smartest thing Holly ever did was dumping you and marrying Blake.” Ouch. (Technically Michael originally dumped Holly and she just never took him back, but whatever.)

Other highlights of the episode:

– We all know that Blakeley’s profession was always identified as “VIP cocktail waitress” on The Bachelor. Now we find out this meant that she worked at Hooters for 13 years. Not sure where the VIP comes in… maybe it was a Hooters in a nice neighborhood? Come to think of it, I’m not sure that pitchers of Miller Light are cocktails, strictly speaking.

– Gullible chump Tony made the most confounding statement of this or any other season when he declared Blakeley was “very low maintenance.”

– Also noteworthy was the beginning of the episode when Chris accused both Kalon and Ed of lying to him before the previous vote. Kalon immediately admitted it, while Ed’s reply was in essence “I told the truth, I just ended up doing something different than what I told you.” Then Chris repeated many times not only what liars both of them were, but what good friends both of them were.

I don’t know who’s more messed up on this show, the girls or the guys.



“Would That Be A Love Square?”: Bachelor Pad Episode 4

14 Aug

This week’s episode was definitely “the Chris show.” Having the two psycho women of the house after him was getting the man down, but despite not winning a challenge he ended up with a date and to the chagrin of Blakeley and Jamie, he passed up both of them in favor of Sarah. This date didn’t come with a “fantasy suite” but the resourceful Chris suggested they get one anyway. He and Sarah headed to the Hilton front desk wearing bathrobes to book a room, and the clerk didn’t seem especially surprised! Maybe these things happen all the time in California. That makes the second hookup of the show for Sarah and I believe the first for Chris, though he leads the house in makeout and/or cuddle sessions.

The episode began with a challenge that had each contestant answer questions about the others, with everyone then having to guess everyone else’s answers in a quiz-show format. Hmm, has this ever been done before? Oh, that’s right: in the previous seasons of this show, every season of Big Brother, at least the last ten seasons of Survivor, and probably every other reality show too. Reality producers know that this challenge has a 100% chance of making at least one girl participant cry, so from their point of view it’s TV gold.

The best part of the challenge without a doubt was the peppy theme music, a brilliant takeoff on your basic 1970s game show theme. Alas, this masterpiece was on air for perhaps 10 seconds if that. Whoever slaved over it: at least this humble blogger appreciates your efforts.

Speaking of humble, David (who was voted out along with crazy Jamie) was truly humbled by being able to spend time at the Bachelor Pad. He became probably the first limo rider ever to cry tears… of joy! Very sweet.

“He’s going to have a really, really clingy girl on his hands”: Bachelor Pad Episode Three

7 Aug

Poor Chris. He came into the season to find a number of women throwing themselves at him. He somehow chose to cast his lot with Blakeley, who is scheming, desperate, and a bit psycho. He spotted a way out in the form of Jamie, but now we find that she’s almost as scheming, just as desperate and potentially way more psycho than Blakeley is!

Newcomer David won the episode’s challenge and chose to take Blakeley and Jamie on the date along with Erica Rose, making the rest of the house exhale with relief that three drama queens would be away for the night. Among other things this led to Ed carting Jaclyn off to bed, prompting the quote in my subject line which was spoken by Sarah.

In the other date, Rachel took Tony, Michael, and Nick along to Madame Tussaud’s where they pretended to be wax figures as Bachelor fans passed the exhibit, then surprised them (well, a few of them) by “coming to life.” Awkwardly, two of the teen fans went on and on about how pathetic Tony was on Emily’s season… not that the rest of America didn’t think the same thing.

To cut to the chase, Reid and Donna were voted out. Donna (the fan with a body reminiscent of that of Starfire in the Teen Titans comics) knew she was in trouble earlier, and what was troubling her the most? “I can’t leave the Bachelor Pad and not hook up with somebody… that’s crazy.”

This leaves us with two alliances:

Alliance A: Michael Stagliano (whose popularity among female fans is amazing), Rachel (classy blonde), Jaclyn (who cries when she’s not fainting), Ed (usually drunk), Blakeley, Chris, Kalon (incredibly entertaining metrosexual prick), and Lindzi (horse farm girl).

Alliance B: Erica (tiara wearer), Sarah (brunette who seemingly won’t admit her crush on Ed), Jamie, Dave (ultimate-fighting newcomer and the only fan left), Nick (personal trainer), and Tony.

Did I really pause the Olympics for this?



Bachelor Pad Season Three Episode 2: The plot thickens

1 Aug

Alas, the game has come to an end for the blonde twins who were one of the highlights of the season. (To recap: one’s a virgin, one’s a slut, and they both bicker nonstop.) I think they need their own series.

This episode begins with a rhythmic gymnastics performance, followed by the guys and girls being shown a routine by a coach who looks like she’s about 11. Among the judges of the ensuing competition are that boring couple Ashley H. and J.P. Come to think of it, the producers showed Ashley teaching a dance class once, and it was pretty hot.

Michael (who if memory serves is a choreographer by trade) wins, and chooses to take Rachel, Lindzi, and newcomer Donna on the date. Donna tells one of the other girls “I kind of have a secret crush on him.” Her definition of secret might differ from mine, since she’s already mentioned the crush on national TV at least five times. The only thing she talks about almost as often is: “Normally a guy will be head over heels for me the first second.” Michael is a generous soul and says “I wanted to fulfill a little bit of a fantasy for her.” What is the selfless act? Oh yes, making out with Donna. And he got in a makeout session with Rachel as well, for reasons unspecified.

Jamie finds time to obsess over Blakeley whom she incorrectly calls a VIP cocktail waitress. As we learned on the premiere, Blakeley is a former waitress who has changed careers and now does waxing (of unwanted hair, that is) for a living. “Fitting, as she no doubt has plenty of experience jerking things off” would no doubt be Courtney’s comment.

We also got to see an unlikely romance bloom between horsey Lindzi and metrosexual villain Kalon.

Meanwhile Jamie’s partner Ryan throws a big birthday party for her, complete with cake, rose petals, etc. So who does Jamie like better, the nice guy who bends over backwards for her or the stud who’s ambivalent about her at best in Chris? I think you guessed it, reality fans. Nice guy Ryan literally finishes last as he’s voted out, with Jamie casting the deciding vote.