Archive | January, 2013

“He took the Iraqi to a desert”: The Bachelor 1/28/13 recap

28 Jan

The good news is, we begin this episode with many lingering shots of a rear end. Alas, it’s not one of the ridiculously fit ladies getting these closeups, but rather Sean. Hey, everyone’s favorite guy has a date to get ready for, namely a rock climbing date with Selma somewhere in the desert. Afterwards when it’s time for dinner they journey to an odd “upscale trailer park” or as Selma dubs it “country glam.” Too cute by half.

The group date promises more entertainment: it’s a roller derby challenge! As the eight girls file in they find some seasoned roller derby players doing their thing to show how it’s done, and one of the women greets our love-seeking friends. I’m trying to think of something less attractive than a woman who plays roller derby, and failing. These gals do not look anything like Raquel Welch in “Kansas City Bomber,” believe you me.

Drama quickly ensues. Part of roller-skating, especially if you’re not used to it, is holding out your arms to balance, which is a problem if you only have one arm like Sarah does. AshLee comforts her. Then Amanda (the “butterface” brunette), who’s the best skater of any of them, takes a nasty spill and there’s some thought that she might have broken her jaw. After the paramedics take her away, Sean tells the remaining gals, hey, instead of two teams of girls facing off, let’s all just have a free skate! Yay Sean! Or more accurately, yay ABC lawyers fretting about liability issues!

Now then: how can you possibly spend hours roller skating and not do the hokey pokey at any point? Hmm, I guess a roller derby track is different than a roller rink. Bummer. I like the hokey pokey. However, while Sean and the fillies do their free skate the producers do play the lovely and underrated 80s ballad “Foolish Heart” by Steve Perry. An excellent choice!

Time for dinner and drinks after all of that fun. Alas, Tierra is more interested in a round of sulking, but does say she doesn’t want to get a rose out of pity. Amanda comes back from the hospital no worse for wear. Tierra could hardly accuse Amanda of exaggerating an injury to gain sympathy and extra time with Sean, seeing as how Tierra used that exact tactic just one short week ago. Tierra melts down anyway and threatens to go. Meanwhile Lindsay is locking lips with the Seanster and spontaneously suggests a dip in the pool, as they sit there with him in a suit and her in a formal dress. Cut to the two of them heading for the pool wearing bathing suits that materialized as if by magic. However Tierra is sulking in the stairwell, and Sean goes to comfort her as bikini-clad Lindsay and her 2 ounces of body fat slink away. When all is said and done, Sean offers Tierra a rose out of pity, and  luckily she has changed her policy on such pity roses in the meantime.

The second solo date of the episode goes to Leslie the black poker dealer. Leslie is goofy and fun, and says “holy moley” about 5 times in half an hour, sometimes turning it into “holy moley Batman.” I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say that Sean’s handsomeness had her so out of sorts that she simply forgot that holy moley is not a catchphrase of Robin, but rather Captain Marvel. Her date involves shopping on Rodeo Drive, and Sean acts like nothing can be more fun than sitting in a store while a woman tries on tons of clothes. Of course that attention hog Neil Lane has to get into the mix. It seems the ringmaster has a convenient Rodeo Drive location, and has evidently decided that one annual appearance on this show, plus every Bachelorette,  reunion show, Ashley and JP’s wedding, etc. is not enough to get his message out there.

And the fantasy date is rounded out by… Leslie getting sent home because Sean’s not feelin’ it. She even has to give the Neil Lane necklace back, but apparently gets to keep her other  purchases. This triggers the obligatory scene where the girls back at the house are horrified to see some flunky walk into the house and take Leslie’s luggage away. The idea that one bag can have all of a woman’s clothes for not just a month-long show, but a month-long show where no outfit is never worn more than once, strains credibility. And this bag especially so: for that to be Leslie’s complete luggage it would have to have the physical properties of Dr. Who’s TARDIS.

Cocktail party time. You might recall this season began with four sistas among the cast. Robyn (the failed somersaulter) is the only black woman left, and for the second week in a row, she plays the romantic race card, asking Sean “Do you like the taste of chocolate?” (The double entendres on this show are not likely to go over anyone’s head.) In other news, Tierra tries to mend some fences while using the expression “your bad” (i.e. the opposite of “my bad”). Also,  Amanda fails to get a rose and goes home to her puzzling career of “fit model”. In the preview for next week find out that there will be two two-hour episodes on consecutive days, and also that everyone will be in some cold-weather climate where Tierra will have cause to flee something with an expression of sheer terror on her face. The Yeti perhaps?

Time to break down odds on the 11 remaining contestants.

Jackie 200:1 She’s cute, but have she and Sean even met yet this season?

Daniella 100:1 Quite a striking blonde in her own right, but the fact that we never see her talking to Sean leads me to believe there’s not much chemistry.

Lindsay 20:1 Cute but I could see her being ever so slightly psycho.

Selma 20:1 The fake-boobed Iraqi’s charms don’t really translate to the screen but Sean seems to be feeling it somewhat.

Robyn 15:1 Goofily endearing, but that probably won’t be enough with the likes of Lesley and Desiree in the room.

Sarah 15:1 Sean isn’t bothered that she has only one arm, but I don’t see many sparks flying either.

AshLee 15:1 Sean certainly whispered some sweet nothings to the over-30 personal organizer.

Catherine 12:1 An Asian or Polyniesian-looking graphic designer who is pretty darn hot and has decent chemistry with Sean, it seems.

Tierra 12:1 No doubt the producers are praying that she sticks around to continue mixing things up.

Lesley 4:1 Absurdly hot when she doesn’t have Tammy Bakker doing her makeup like she did tonight.

Desiree 3:1 The Katie Holmes lookalike may well have Sean jumping on Oprah’s couch before all is said and done.




Kacie throws an interception: The Bachelor 1/21/13 recap

21 Jan

When Peyton Manning threw the critical interception in the Broncos’ playoff game against the Ravens, America (and especially Denver) said, “Why did he throw the ball across his body?  A veteran quarterback should have known better.” Similarly, a veteran Bachelor contestant should know not to use her time with the Bachelor to report on any intrigues or two-faced behavior back at the house. Kacie witnessed it herself in Ben’s season when Emily (affectionate sigh) made this critical error a couple of times, yet Kacie just had to take the opportunity to brief Sean on the growing cattiness between Desiree and Amanda. After that misfired big-time, Kacie confided to the camera, “This has been a night I’d prefer to rewind and start again, or completely forget about.” Peyton Manning knows how you feel, honey.

Sean could not have been more turned off, and while he didn’t show Kacie the door immediately, he escorted her away from the rose ceremony to do so later. I must admit I’m as turned off by her as Sean is in the meantime. She seemed like such a sweetheart, and probably is, but also seems very confused.

A final word on Kacie before we move on: I never notice the clothes of any of the contestants unless they are godawful, and at the cocktail party Kacie sported a dress that looked like it was designed by Nike on a really bad day. It somehow succeeded in making even slender Kacie look chubby.

Sean starts the episode by taking Lesley (screamingly hot blonde from Arkansas by way of D.C.) to the Guinness Book of World Records museum in Hollywood. It seems Sean’s father holds a Guinness record, for driving through the 48 contiguous United States in 97 hours. Jeez Louise! That is right up there with the movies “Vanishing Point” (Denver to San Francisco in 15 hours) and “Smokey and the Bandit” (Texarkana to Georgia in 28 hours). If there’s one thing I learned from those movies, it’s that driving that fast gets every cop from every state you pass through on your trail. At 5 cops per state, that’s 240 police cars!

Anyway, Sean and Lesley try to set the record for longest onscreen kiss at three minutes and change. They master the not-too-tough task as some Hollywood boulevard weirdos, a couple of strikingly goregous passers-by, and scuzzy cameramen look on.

Later, we hear Daniella who’s on the group date say “This is literally my worst nightmare.” What could it be, death? Falling from a great height? A plague of locusts? No, it’s playing in a beach volleyball game to see who gets to stay with Sean and who has to go home. When the 6-on-6 affair is over, Kristy the model is bawling and some of the others aren’t far behind.

The remaining solo date goes to AshLee, but before we can get to that we see Tierra fall down the stairs. Tierra is already on everyone else’s bad side for jokingly calling out a wrong name as she read the last date card, and the girls take her fall about as seriously as soccer fans take a player writhing on the ground. Sure enough, just like an Italian midfielder, as soon as paramedics come to look at her she pops up and is basically fine.

AshLee has a surprise waiting for her: she and Sean have the entire Six Flags Magic Mountain all to themselves for a day. When they get to the empty park it’s very reminiscent of the Griswolds getting to Walley World at the end of National Lampoon’s Vacation. But then we find out they’ll be joined by two teenage girls with severe illnesses, courtesy of a charity that grants wishes to such unfortunate kids. It was very touching.

But at some point we must cut to the cocktail party, where to recap, the biggest rivalries are Desiree (Katie Holmes-like bridal designer) vs. Amanda (”
butterface” brunette), Desiree vs. Tierra (card-j0ke-maker and injury faker), and Tierra vs. just about everyone else. At the rose ceremony, we say goodbye to Taryn, the blonde fitness-club manager from Portland. Also, just as cheese is the best way to round out a meal, Sean finds booting out the girl from cheese-loving Wisconsin, namely Kristy, the perfect way to round out the episode.




“Tacky hos are a dime a dozen”: The Bachelor 1/14/2013 recap

14 Jan

I give you Sean. All women want to have him, all men want to be his bro. This writer is an excep… aww, who am I kiddin’, I would love to have a few beers with the guy.

This episode begins with Sean showing up in a helicopter to pick up one-armed Sarah for a date. The other girls are impressed by the helicopter, including, oddly enough, Kacie. Surely she was in a helicopter at least five times during Ben’s season? Turns out the date consists of doing a free-fall off of a 33-story building. Thank God Ben’s not around to say something like “This was like a relationship, where you and your partner step into an abyss of uncertainty, and you must open up by telling 33 stories.” Sarah’s reaction can be summed up thus: “He’s OK with me having only one arm, woo-HOO!”

Next up is a group date featuring 13, yes 13, women, some of which I could swear were not on the previous episode, like a striking blonde named Daniella. One striking blonde who I did recall was Lesley, she was the girl from Arkansas via Washington DC who said she doesn’t like nerds and politicians. Lesley’s body is the bomb, and she and Sean definitely hit it off. Her home state is a minus, but let him who has never dated a girl from Arkansas cast the first stone!

Also along is Kristy, the model who’s not all that good-looking (though she does have some serious gams on her). The challenge is to do a modeling shoot for a Harlequin paperback cover, and her poses with Sean are so impressive that even her catty rivals admit the result is hot. She wins the modeling contest. Yes, the girl who makes her living as a model turns out to be the best in this group at modeling! Got that? By the way, when she says more than three sentences the Wisconsin accent comes out, big-time.

Then we come to Tierra, the leasing consultant from Denver who we’ve been told is the villain of the season. Tierra has huge boobs, perfect teeth, and a Sarah Palin-like wink. The other girls don’t love her, and Robyn makes no secret of it as she sits in the hairdresser’s chair. Somehow Tierra doesn’t hear that she’s getting dissed despite sitting 2 feet away… are the hair dryers blowing that loud?

Kacie Boguskie is there on the group date as well, and gets the rose, but I don’t think Sean is feelin’ it with her.

In other news, Katie the yoga instructor (who I don’t remember at all from last week) decides the show isn’t what she thought and leaves after giving Sean the most minimal hug of all time. Hey, that’s OK. If Sean were everyone’s type, there would be no women to be had in Dallas-Fort Worth, every single chick would be dating Sean!

If you read my last post you know that in Bachelor parlance I “put myself out there” by picking a favorite to win, that being Desiree, and her solo date with Sean this week did nothing to make me think the Katie Holmes lookalike doesn’t have the inside track. Personally, Desiree wouldn’t be my type. She has her cute dimpled cheek but that seems to be all. Prankster Sean sets up an elaborate Candid Camera-like hoax to trick her into thinking she has broken a priceless piece of art just to see her reaction. I personally thought her reaction was anything but adorable. Remember Sean, Tom Cruise got tired of Katie Holmes after just a few years!

Back at the cocktail party before the rose ceremony we see Lindsay, who wore the bridal gown last episode. Turns out she’s a general’s daughter. To me she seems nutty but in a fun way. I would ask her out and wouldn’t care what the General thought of it. Sean notes “Lindsay showed her other side.” I could just see Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets chiming in: “Yeah, her sober side!”

Elephant in the room time. I noticed there were four black women on the show this year, you noticed it, we all noticed it, and guess what, so did the contestants! Robyn is no dummy (as we saw when we learned she uses Post-its to learn Spanish vocabulary), so she brings the matter up to Sean. He explains that he has dated women of many different races and told the producers he was up for anything. Robyn is understandably relieved she’s not there to fill a quota, but thankfully she does not attempt a cartwheel given her previous mishaps when she tried gymnastics.

Cut to Selma teaching Sean some Arabic, and teaching me she’s not Mexican as I assumed. See, we all learned something about race!

At the rose ceremony, we say goodbye to Diana the single mother from Utah and Brooke the black community organizer. We don’t say goodbye to Amanda, who the other girls don’t like because she sits around sulking when she’s with them but is all smiles when she’s with Sean. Having seen her in jeans at the start of the episode, I can certainly see why Sean kept that her around one more week.

The shocking preview of next week shows Tierra being carried off on a stretcher after a fall, and we hear her saying something to the effect of “why would these girls do this to me?” Either a banana peel will be strategically placed next week by one of the gals, or all of this is incredibly misleading. Tune in next week to find out!

“I wish I was more sober right now”: The Bachelor Season Premiere 1/7/13

9 Jan

Opening day of the baseball season is signaled with the words “play ball.” Opening day of the Bachelor season is signaled with the words “All right, bitch, game on,” which we hear just a minute or so into the season highlights that kick off the show.

Our Bachelor is the Captain America-like Sean Lowe, familiar from Emily’s season of The Bachelorette. After a bit of introduction and introspection, who should drop by but his bro/rival Arie from that same season! A pleasant chat between two fellas who seem like great guys. Superfluous, but we’ve got two hours to fill, after all.

Now it’s time to meet some of the women, like Desiree (Katie Holmes-like bridal dress designer), Tierra (seems psycho and has an annoying pet, plus the previews have made clear she’s the designated two-faced villainess of this season), Diana (salon owner from Utah, just like the famous/infamous Michelle Money), Sarah (a blonde with one arm), Ashley (a really weird girl who loves Fifty Shades of Grey), and Kristy (a model with one of the top agencies who, oddly given her profession, is not particularly good-looking… much like the odious Courtney of last season). Each girl is shown doing her daily routine, and coincidentally enough, each girl’s daily routine takes her past one of the best-known attractions of her respective hometown: the girl from Denver is shown walking the 16th Street Mall, etc. Too bad there’s no contestant from South Dakota, if there were I’m sure we’d see her doing a Zumba class right at the foot of Mount Rushmore.

Next up after some more formalities is the arrival of the limos with the women, most memorably Kelly (a country singer from Nashville who obviously spends lots of time in a tanning booth set to supernova levels), Lindsay who shows up in a wedding dress, and Paige, who looks vaguely familiar and wastes no time revealing she was on the last season of Bachelor Pad. Well, they say a news event that isn’t covered in the New York Times cannot be said to have really even happened, and similarly, a contestant on Bachelor Pad who wasn’t mentioned once in the recaps on this blog (I checked) can hardly be worthy of further discussion.

All 25 girls file in, then Chris Harrison reveals that one other woman wanted to see Sean. The tension is unbearable as we go to commercial. Then the limo pulls up and it’s none other than… Kacie Boguskie! YESSSSS! I love her. In fact she may be the only single person in the history of this blog who had an entire post dedicated to her. Sean seems pleasantly surprised to see her, but the same can’t be said for the other girls. They’re miffed that there’s a returnee, without exception … including the girl who just admitted to having been on Bachelor Pad!  A livid Desiree says “She had her chance at Ben so what makes her think that something will work with Sean?” The fact that Ben and Sean are two different men perhaps?

The Kacie question the gals don’t ask, but every guy watching does, is: “This chick can’t get a date on Saturday nights?”

Anyway, an additional subplot is that Sean has opted to hand out some of his roses before even getting to the rose ceremony. I didn’t think it was possible to make the women on this show any more insecure, but I guess I was wrong, because this does.

The most notable events of the cocktail party are that Lindsay (wedding dress) has too much to drink and does some goofy things that still come off as kinda adorable, and Ashley (Fifty Shades) has too much to drink and comes off as very obnoxious, and she can’t seem to talk about anything but Fifty Shades of Grey.

(By the way, I always want to try to pick the eventual winner after one episode… my guess is Desiree.)

When all is said and done, the Fifty Shades lover is sent packing to return to her no doubt mortified friends and family, as are Paige (Bachelor Pad… by the way her profession is Jumbotron operator), Kelly (tan & country), and a few others including a blonde whose opening line was something like “my Dad’s Italian and he says if you break my heart he’ll break your legs.”