“I wish I was more sober right now”: The Bachelor Season Premiere 1/7/13

9 Jan

Opening day of the baseball season is signaled with the words “play ball.” Opening day of the Bachelor season is signaled with the words “All right, bitch, game on,” which we hear just a minute or so into the season highlights that kick off the show.

Our Bachelor is the Captain America-like Sean Lowe, familiar from Emily’s season of The Bachelorette. After a bit of introduction and introspection, who should drop by but his bro/rival Arie from that same season! A pleasant chat between two fellas who seem like great guys. Superfluous, but we’ve got two hours to fill, after all.

Now it’s time to meet some of the women, like Desiree (Katie Holmes-like bridal dress designer), Tierra (seems psycho and has an annoying pet, plus the previews have made clear she’s the designated two-faced villainess of this season), Diana (salon owner from Utah, just like the famous/infamous Michelle Money), Sarah (a blonde with one arm), Ashley (a really weird girl who loves Fifty Shades of Grey), and Kristy (a model with one of the top agencies who, oddly given her profession, is not particularly good-looking… much like the odious Courtney of last season). Each girl is shown doing her daily routine, and coincidentally enough, each girl’s daily routine takes her past one of the best-known attractions of her respective hometown: the girl from Denver is shown walking the 16th Street Mall, etc. Too bad there’s no contestant from South Dakota, if there were I’m sure we’d see her doing a Zumba class right at the foot of Mount Rushmore.

Next up after some more formalities is the arrival of the limos with the women, most memorably Kelly (a country singer from Nashville who obviously spends lots of time in a tanning booth set to supernova levels), Lindsay who shows up in a wedding dress, and Paige, who looks vaguely familiar and wastes no time revealing she was on the last season of Bachelor Pad. Well, they say a news event that isn’t covered in the New York Times cannot be said to have really even happened, and similarly, a contestant on Bachelor Pad who wasn’t mentioned once in the recaps on this blog (I checked) can hardly be worthy of further discussion.

All 25 girls file in, then Chris Harrison reveals that one other woman wanted to see Sean. The tension is unbearable as we go to commercial. Then the limo pulls up and it’s none other than… Kacie Boguskie! YESSSSS! I love her. In fact she may be the only single person in the history of this blog who had an entire post dedicated to her. Sean seems pleasantly surprised to see her, but the same can’t be said for the other girls. They’re miffed that there’s a returnee, without exception … including the girl who just admitted to having been on Bachelor Pad!  A livid Desiree says “She had her chance at Ben so what makes her think that something will work with Sean?” The fact that Ben and Sean are two different men perhaps?

The Kacie question the gals don’t ask, but every guy watching does, is: “This chick can’t get a date on Saturday nights?”

Anyway, an additional subplot is that Sean has opted to hand out some of his roses before even getting to the rose ceremony. I didn’t think it was possible to make the women on this show any more insecure, but I guess I was wrong, because this does.

The most notable events of the cocktail party are that Lindsay (wedding dress) has too much to drink and does some goofy things that still come off as kinda adorable, and Ashley (Fifty Shades) has too much to drink and comes off as very obnoxious, and she can’t seem to talk about anything but Fifty Shades of Grey.

(By the way, I always want to try to pick the eventual winner after one episode… my guess is Desiree.)

When all is said and done, the Fifty Shades lover is sent packing to return to her no doubt mortified friends and family, as are Paige (Bachelor Pad… by the way her profession is Jumbotron operator), Kelly (tan & country), and a few others including a blonde whose opening line was something like “my Dad’s Italian and he says if you break my heart he’ll break your legs.”

Fuhgeddaboudit.

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