“Tacky hos are a dime a dozen”: The Bachelor 1/14/2013 recap

14 Jan

I give you Sean. All women want to have him, all men want to be his bro. This writer is an excep… aww, who am I kiddin’, I would love to have a few beers with the guy.

This episode begins with Sean showing up in a helicopter to pick up one-armed Sarah for a date. The other girls are impressed by the helicopter, including, oddly enough, Kacie. Surely she was in a helicopter at least five times during Ben’s season? Turns out the date consists of doing a free-fall off of a 33-story building. Thank God Ben’s not around to say something like “This was like a relationship, where you and your partner step into an abyss of uncertainty, and you must open up by telling 33 stories.” Sarah’s reaction can be summed up thus: “He’s OK with me having only one arm, woo-HOO!”

Next up is a group date featuring 13, yes 13, women, some of which I could swear were not on the previous episode, like a striking blonde named Daniella. One striking blonde who I did recall was Lesley, she was the girl from Arkansas via Washington DC who said she doesn’t like nerds and politicians. Lesley’s body is the bomb, and she and Sean definitely hit it off. Her home state is a minus, but let him who has never dated a girl from Arkansas cast the first stone!

Also along is Kristy, the model who’s not all that good-looking (though she does have some serious gams on her). The challenge is to do a modeling shoot for a Harlequin paperback cover, and her poses with Sean are so impressive that even her catty rivals admit the result is hot. She wins the modeling contest. Yes, the girl who makes her living as a model turns out to be the best in this group at modeling! Got that? By the way, when she says more than three sentences the Wisconsin accent comes out, big-time.

Then we come to Tierra, the leasing consultant from Denver who we’ve been told is the villain of the season. Tierra has huge boobs, perfect teeth, and a Sarah Palin-like wink. The other girls don’t love her, and Robyn makes no secret of it as she sits in the hairdresser’s chair. Somehow Tierra doesn’t hear that she’s getting dissed despite sitting 2 feet away… are the hair dryers blowing that loud?

Kacie Boguskie is there on the group date as well, and gets the rose, but I don’t think Sean is feelin’ it with her.

In other news, Katie the yoga instructor (who I don’t remember at all from last week) decides the show isn’t what she thought and leaves after giving Sean the most minimal hug of all time. Hey, that’s OK. If Sean were everyone’s type, there would be no women to be had in Dallas-Fort Worth, every single chick would be dating Sean!

If you read my last post you know that in Bachelor parlance I “put myself out there” by picking a favorite to win, that being Desiree, and her solo date with Sean this week did nothing to make me think the Katie Holmes lookalike doesn’t have the inside track. Personally, Desiree wouldn’t be my type. She has her cute dimpled cheek but that seems to be all. Prankster Sean sets up an elaborate Candid Camera-like hoax to trick her into thinking she has broken a priceless piece of art just to see her reaction. I personally thought her reaction was anything but adorable. Remember Sean, Tom Cruise got tired of Katie Holmes after just a few years!

Back at the cocktail party before the rose ceremony we see Lindsay, who wore the bridal gown last episode. Turns out she’s a general’s daughter. To me she seems nutty but in a fun way. I would ask her out and wouldn’t care what the General thought of it. Sean notes “Lindsay showed her other side.” I could just see Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets chiming in: “Yeah, her sober side!”

Elephant in the room time. I noticed there were four black women on the show this year, you noticed it, we all noticed it, and guess what, so did the contestants! Robyn is no dummy (as we saw when we learned she uses Post-its to learn Spanish vocabulary), so she brings the matter up to Sean. He explains that he has dated women of many different races and told the producers he was up for anything. Robyn is understandably relieved she’s not there to fill a quota, but thankfully she does not attempt a cartwheel given her previous mishaps when she tried gymnastics.

Cut to Selma teaching Sean some Arabic, and teaching me she’s not Mexican as I assumed. See, we all learned something about race!

At the rose ceremony, we say goodbye to Diana the single mother from Utah and Brooke the black community organizer. We don’t say goodbye to Amanda, who the other girls don’t like because she sits around sulking when she’s with them but is all smiles when she’s with Sean. Having seen her in jeans at the start of the episode, I can certainly see why Sean kept that her around one more week.

The shocking preview of next week shows Tierra being carried off on a stretcher after a fall, and we hear her saying something to the effect of “why would these girls do this to me?” Either a banana peel will be strategically placed next week by one of the gals, or all of this is incredibly misleading. Tune in next week to find out!

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