Kacie throws an interception: The Bachelor 1/21/13 recap

21 Jan

When Peyton Manning threw the critical interception in the Broncos’ playoff game against the Ravens, America (and especially Denver) said, “Why did he throw the ball across his body?  A veteran quarterback should have known better.” Similarly, a veteran Bachelor contestant should know not to use her time with the Bachelor to report on any intrigues or two-faced behavior back at the house. Kacie witnessed it herself in Ben’s season when Emily (affectionate sigh) made this critical error a couple of times, yet Kacie just had to take the opportunity to brief Sean on the growing cattiness between Desiree and Amanda. After that misfired big-time, Kacie confided to the camera, “This has been a night I’d prefer to rewind and start again, or completely forget about.” Peyton Manning knows how you feel, honey.

Sean could not have been more turned off, and while he didn’t show Kacie the door immediately, he escorted her away from the rose ceremony to do so later. I must admit I’m as turned off by her as Sean is in the meantime. She seemed like such a sweetheart, and probably is, but also seems very confused.

A final word on Kacie before we move on: I never notice the clothes of any of the contestants unless they are godawful, and at the cocktail party Kacie sported a dress that looked like it was designed by Nike on a really bad day. It somehow succeeded in making even slender Kacie look chubby.

Sean starts the episode by taking Lesley (screamingly hot blonde from Arkansas by way of D.C.) to the Guinness Book of World Records museum in Hollywood. It seems Sean’s father holds a Guinness record, for driving through the 48 contiguous United States in 97 hours. Jeez Louise! That is right up there with the movies “Vanishing Point” (Denver to San Francisco in 15 hours) and “Smokey and the Bandit” (Texarkana to Georgia in 28 hours). If there’s one thing I learned from those movies, it’s that driving that fast gets every cop from every state you pass through on your trail. At 5 cops per state, that’s 240 police cars!

Anyway, Sean and Lesley try to set the record for longest onscreen kiss at three minutes and change. They master the not-too-tough task as some Hollywood boulevard weirdos, a couple of strikingly goregous passers-by, and scuzzy cameramen look on.

Later, we hear Daniella who’s on the group date say “This is literally my worst nightmare.” What could it be, death? Falling from a great height? A plague of locusts? No, it’s playing in a beach volleyball game to see who gets to stay with Sean and who has to go home. When the 6-on-6 affair is over, Kristy the model is bawling and some of the others aren’t far behind.

The remaining solo date goes to AshLee, but before we can get to that we see Tierra fall down the stairs. Tierra is already on everyone else’s bad side for jokingly calling out a wrong name as she read the last date card, and the girls take her fall about as seriously as soccer fans take a player writhing on the ground. Sure enough, just like an Italian midfielder, as soon as paramedics come to look at her she pops up and is basically fine.

AshLee has a surprise waiting for her: she and Sean have the entire Six Flags Magic Mountain all to themselves for a day. When they get to the empty park it’s very reminiscent of the Griswolds getting to Walley World at the end of National Lampoon’s Vacation. But then we find out they’ll be joined by two teenage girls with severe illnesses, courtesy of a charity that grants wishes to such unfortunate kids. It was very touching.

But at some point we must cut to the cocktail party, where to recap, the biggest rivalries are Desiree (Katie Holmes-like bridal designer) vs. Amanda (”
butterface” brunette), Desiree vs. Tierra (card-j0ke-maker and injury faker), and Tierra vs. just about everyone else. At the rose ceremony, we say goodbye to Taryn, the blonde fitness-club manager from Portland. Also, just as cheese is the best way to round out a meal, Sean finds booting out the girl from cheese-loving Wisconsin, namely Kristy, the perfect way to round out the episode.





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