“He took the Iraqi to a desert”: The Bachelor 1/28/13 recap

28 Jan

The good news is, we begin this episode with many lingering shots of a rear end. Alas, it’s not one of the ridiculously fit ladies getting these closeups, but rather Sean. Hey, everyone’s favorite guy has a date to get ready for, namely a rock climbing date with Selma somewhere in the desert. Afterwards when it’s time for dinner they journey to an odd “upscale trailer park” or as Selma dubs it “country glam.” Too cute by half.

The group date promises more entertainment: it’s a roller derby challenge! As the eight girls file in they find some seasoned roller derby players doing their thing to show how it’s done, and one of the women greets our love-seeking friends. I’m trying to think of something less attractive than a woman who plays roller derby, and failing. These gals do not look anything like Raquel Welch in “Kansas City Bomber,” believe you me.

Drama quickly ensues. Part of roller-skating, especially if you’re not used to it, is holding out your arms to balance, which is a problem if you only have one arm like Sarah does. AshLee comforts her. Then Amanda (the “butterface” brunette), who’s the best skater of any of them, takes a nasty spill and there’s some thought that she might have broken her jaw. After the paramedics take her away, Sean tells the remaining gals, hey, instead of two teams of girls facing off, let’s all just have a free skate! Yay Sean! Or more accurately, yay ABC lawyers fretting about liability issues!

Now then: how can you possibly spend hours roller skating and not do the hokey pokey at any point? Hmm, I guess a roller derby track is different than a roller rink. Bummer. I like the hokey pokey. However, while Sean and the fillies do their free skate the producers do play the lovely and underrated 80s ballad “Foolish Heart” by Steve Perry. An excellent choice!

Time for dinner and drinks after all of that fun. Alas, Tierra is more interested in a round of sulking, but does say she doesn’t want to get a rose out of pity. Amanda comes back from the hospital no worse for wear. Tierra could hardly accuse Amanda of exaggerating an injury to gain sympathy and extra time with Sean, seeing as how Tierra used that exact tactic just one short week ago. Tierra melts down anyway and threatens to go. Meanwhile Lindsay is locking lips with the Seanster and spontaneously suggests a dip in the pool, as they sit there with him in a suit and her in a formal dress. Cut to the two of them heading for the pool wearing bathing suits that materialized as if by magic. However Tierra is sulking in the stairwell, and Sean goes to comfort her as bikini-clad Lindsay and her 2 ounces of body fat slink away. When all is said and done, Sean offers Tierra a rose out of pity, and  luckily she has changed her policy on such pity roses in the meantime.

The second solo date of the episode goes to Leslie the black poker dealer. Leslie is goofy and fun, and says “holy moley” about 5 times in half an hour, sometimes turning it into “holy moley Batman.” I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say that Sean’s handsomeness had her so out of sorts that she simply forgot that holy moley is not a catchphrase of Robin, but rather Captain Marvel. Her date involves shopping on Rodeo Drive, and Sean acts like nothing can be more fun than sitting in a store while a woman tries on tons of clothes. Of course that attention hog Neil Lane has to get into the mix. It seems the ringmaster has a convenient Rodeo Drive location, and has evidently decided that one annual appearance on this show, plus every Bachelorette,  reunion show, Ashley and JP’s wedding, etc. is not enough to get his message out there.

And the fantasy date is rounded out by… Leslie getting sent home because Sean’s not feelin’ it. She even has to give the Neil Lane necklace back, but apparently gets to keep her other  purchases. This triggers the obligatory scene where the girls back at the house are horrified to see some flunky walk into the house and take Leslie’s luggage away. The idea that one bag can have all of a woman’s clothes for not just a month-long show, but a month-long show where no outfit is never worn more than once, strains credibility. And this bag especially so: for that to be Leslie’s complete luggage it would have to have the physical properties of Dr. Who’s TARDIS.

Cocktail party time. You might recall this season began with four sistas among the cast. Robyn (the failed somersaulter) is the only black woman left, and for the second week in a row, she plays the romantic race card, asking Sean “Do you like the taste of chocolate?” (The double entendres on this show are not likely to go over anyone’s head.) In other news, Tierra tries to mend some fences while using the expression “your bad” (i.e. the opposite of “my bad”). Also,  Amanda fails to get a rose and goes home to her puzzling career of “fit model”. In the preview for next week find out that there will be two two-hour episodes on consecutive days, and also that everyone will be in some cold-weather climate where Tierra will have cause to flee something with an expression of sheer terror on her face. The Yeti perhaps?

Time to break down odds on the 11 remaining contestants.

Jackie 200:1 She’s cute, but have she and Sean even met yet this season?

Daniella 100:1 Quite a striking blonde in her own right, but the fact that we never see her talking to Sean leads me to believe there’s not much chemistry.

Lindsay 20:1 Cute but I could see her being ever so slightly psycho.

Selma 20:1 The fake-boobed Iraqi’s charms don’t really translate to the screen but Sean seems to be feeling it somewhat.

Robyn 15:1 Goofily endearing, but that probably won’t be enough with the likes of Lesley and Desiree in the room.

Sarah 15:1 Sean isn’t bothered that she has only one arm, but I don’t see many sparks flying either.

AshLee 15:1 Sean certainly whispered some sweet nothings to the over-30 personal organizer.

Catherine 12:1 An Asian or Polyniesian-looking graphic designer who is pretty darn hot and has decent chemistry with Sean, it seems.

Tierra 12:1 No doubt the producers are praying that she sticks around to continue mixing things up.

Lesley 4:1 Absurdly hot when she doesn’t have Tammy Bakker doing her makeup like she did tonight.

Desiree 3:1 The Katie Holmes lookalike may well have Sean jumping on Oprah’s couch before all is said and done.




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