Montana to (wedding) rice?: The Bachelor February 4 2013 recap

8 Feb

Alas, your faithful correspondent has gotten behind on his blog: this Dallas guy spent last weekend having a wonderful romance at a spectacular lodge in the mountains. Back home, and it’s time to watch a Dallas guy have some fake romances at a spectacular lodge in the mountains. This week brought a staggering four hours of “Bachelor,” so let’s start by covering the first two, shall we?

The one-on-one date for the week in Montana goes to general’s daughter Lindsay, and befitting the military theme, she and Sean get into a helicopter that has a bit of a Black Hawk Down vibe. Will their date be as disastrous at the U.S. engagement in Somalia? Or will I feel like Blue Thunder’s JAFO watching it? Neither, as it turns out, though when Lindsay’s gone Sean does psychoanalyze her father issues a bit. Also, I don’t think he’s feelin’ it.

We soon find out there will also be a group date as well as the season’s dreaded two-on-one, the latter to involve Jackie and Tierra (who seems more Sarah Palin-like each week). Tierra insists that the two-on-one is her dream while the other girls maintain that’s impossible. Tierra soon switches to saying it’s her nightmare.

Time for the group date, and a challenge that seems more appropriate for one of the “Real World/Road Rules Challenges,” involving paddling a canoe, carrying some hay, and milking a goat. The potential double-entendres on the latter part quickly become clear, and Selma, who wouldn’t let Sean kiss her for fear of causing controversy in her conservative culture, has no problem pantomiming a certain jerking motion as the goat-milking is discussed. The red team wins and the four losing girls are sent back to the hotel, but Sean reconsiders and summons them back, meaning that Desiree drank warm goat’s milk for nothing. Blecch. Naturally the four girls on the winning team are furious that they have to split time with their favorite hunk eight ways.

Meanwhile Tierra hasn’t been on camera for a solid five minutes, and she’s not one to take that sitting down. So she crashes the party (the editing makes it seem like this happens while the other girls are still there, but it seems pretty obvious that it actually happened after they were gone). “This is so bold for me to do,” she is sure to mention a couple of times.

We move on to the usual conflict as one woman tries to cut in even though another one has only been with Sean for a few seconds. In the seasons I have watched this show, never once has one of the Bachelors said “Hey sweetheart, be with you in 5 minutes, I just sat down with this other girl.” Why is that exactly?

By the way, early in the show a “coming up” teaser tells us that the scene we saw in last week’s teaser of Tierra fleeing something in terror in a snowy region (a Yeti?) is actually part of Tuesday‘s episode. Thanks a lot, that tells us Tierra will still be around tomorrow, and removes what little drama there was in the Jackie-and-Tierra two-on-one date this week.

After perhaps an hour of hand-wringing by, involving, or about Tierra, the show comes to an end with Robyn being ousted. Was this the Rooney Rule of love?

The other girls have very long faces after this result.

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