“Let me introduce you to our EMT”: The Bachelor February 5 2013 recap

12 Feb

Alas, I’m an entire week behind, but I would not want to gloss over the two hours from last Tuesday in which “the two-night event concludes.”

The scene is Banff, Canada. And Catherine awaits her one-on-one date with Sean. The producers apparently had no problem sending her into the freezing cold wearing a light jacket and no hat! After letting her shiver a bit, Sean motors up at the wheel of a huge “snow bus,” but the really good news is that he has brought a snowsuit for her. Apparently Catherine has some sort of bus driver fantasy, as she seems majorly turned on by the whole thing.

When the evening rolls around, it’s time for a romantic carriage ride — and again they don’t give her much to wear, while Sean has a nice warm scarf! The carriage takes them to nothing less than a specially made ice castle…. groan. This thing looks like it took 10 skilled artisans a month to make.

Cut to the spectacular hotel in Banff, where the group date card is read out, and it becomes apparent that Desiree will get the one-on-one date and Daniella and Tierra will have to keep waiting for their first one-on-one. The women arguably look even more amazing in sweaters than they did in bikinis.

Back to Catherine, and time for her to “open up”: it seems that when she was 12 she saw another girl die by having a tree fall on her (through no fault of Catherine’s).

She and Sean close in for a kiss, and I couldn’t help but notice that Sean’s nose is running BIG time. Now, whipping out a Kleenex and blowing your nose is not the most romantic thing in the world, but Sean, I have to say it beats the alternative, bro. Remember that next time.

The group date begins, and Sean and the girls have to paddle canoes across Lake Louise. Yes, that’s right: Sarah the girl with only one arm now has had to paddle a canoe for the second consecutive episode! Once everyone gets to the other side, Sean challenges the girls to join him by taking the “Polar Bear Plunge” and totally immersing themselves in the near-freezing water. I’ll tell you what, any finishing school headmistress would approve of the forced smiles the gals somehow managed to keep on their faces. It’s not exactly encouraging when Sean then introduces an EMT and a lifeguard (the latter looks like a nerdy version of Andy Dalton) to talk about all of the dangers.

Remember, these are girls who couldn’t roller-skate without getting hurt. Did the producers really think this through? The gals disrobe, all feeling peer pressure to participate, except for Selma who values her life more (I think Selma may have made the best decision). We see a quick glimpse of a godawful tattoo on the top of someone’s foot, but can’t see whose it is. Then they make the girls stand around in robes for a really long time, jeez producers! Cue AshLee and the most sobering blanket statement of the day: “No one’s ever in my life made me want to do something for them.”

Now the action comes thick and fast. Sean and all the girls except Selma shuck their robes to reveal swimsuits and take the plunge, and everyone gets right back out and cheers, except Tierra who acts like she’s dying. They put her on a stretcher and carry her all the way around the lake, then bundle her into a car. Then it gets confusing: did they just circle the circular driveway one time and let her back out? We soon see Tierra with a Starbucks cup and mascara running, saying “I miss time with him.”

All and all it was amazing and the experience of a lifetime… but enough about seeing Lesley in a bikini.

The general consensus is that Tierra was faking to gain sympathy. For the second week in a row she tries to crash the group date, though this time the other girls are still there when she arrives. The pity quest only goes so far though, as Lesley gets the rose.

Later that night, Sean realizes that he is not “feeling it” with Sarah (the girl with one arm), and he wants to do her a favor by not keeping her in suspense for two more days. So he sends her home. I had a couple of witty quips all ready for this eventuality, but as it turns out it’s one of the most heartbreaking moments since I’ve been watching the show.

Don’t put the Kleenex away too fast, Bachelor fans. Desiree, now on her second one-on-one date and still the favorite to win, is ready to open up too, namely about having lived in a tent at the trailer park for months at a time when she was a child. I think I might hear the peal of wedding bells for Sean and Des.

Cocktail party: Selma decides, traditional Iraqi family be damned, it’s time to kiss Sean. Only one problem from my point of view: when the light hits her a certain way she looks like Michael Jackson, circa Dangerous album. That’s a romance killer.

By the way, can any of these girls say a sentence without using the word “like”? Any sentence? Case in point is AshLee opening up by saying “I, like, adore you.”

Despite Sarah’s ouster Sean has two more girls to cut. He decides Selma, if not exactly Dangerous, is no Thriller, and Daniella is left without a rose as well. Poor Daniella, how will she ever get a man interested now? Oh wait, she’s 24 and a knockout. I think she’ll recover.

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