Skeletons in the Closet: The Bachelor February 11 2013 recap

12 Feb

Often on this blog I comment that a contestant being sent home hardly constitutes the end of the world for her, since what she’s shown on TV will have hordes of guys champing at the bit. A case in point is Lesley. The DC resident has got to be one of the hottest women our nation’s capital has to offer, and while she perhaps didn’t show an all-time Hall of Fame personality, she seems agreeable enough and also very bright.

However, I cannot say the same for Tierra. In fact I can’t think of one guy who would want to have anything to do with her, spectacular chest or no spectacular chest. Tierra is the type who, if you gave her a Rolls-Royce, would be disappointed that she didn’t get … whatever the top-of-the-line Rolls Royce with every extra is. And she can hardly blame editing… she was on the screen so much this season, what’s to edit?

Anyway, this episode begins with Sean and the gals flying to St. Croix (Croix rhymes with “boy” — I learned something!) together in some puddle-jumper of a plane. Errr, I don’t think they came all the way from Banff, Canada in that. The gals check out their new digs and Tierra grabs a foldout cot rather than share a double bed with another girl. Actually I don’t think I can fault her for that, as these women are a bit old to be sharing beds, no?

Speaking of age, when AshLee gets the first date Tierra murmurs “The cougar’s back in town,” referring to AshLee being 32. I do have to say I don’t think a younger man is right for AshLee. I see her being perfect for a 50-year-old widower who has a couple of kids. OK, maybe 47 but no younger than that. I feel the need to play matchmaker with AshLee for some reason.

On the date with AshLee Sean broaches the subject of Tierra and he doesn’t need to do much to get that topic started. She gives him the full lowdown, and then the two reenact the makeout scene in “From Here To Eternity.” As we go to commercial we learn that when we come back, AshLee will be making a… shocking revelation. Aaand we’re back. Sean says something to the effect of, “Are there any shocking revelations that I need to know about?” And then AshLee spends more time prefacing her point than the lady in the Monty Python “dinosaur theory” sketch. There was so much prefacing I thought we might reach the next commercial break before she got to the story. She eventually divulges that it regards something that happened when she was 17. Wow, this must be bad … did she have sinful 6-ways with the entire Houston Rockets’ starting lineup? Gulp, she’s still prefacing… could it have been sinful 12-ways with the entire Houston Oilers’ starting lineup? No, actually she got married when she was 17, and it lasted one year. No biggie for Sean, and sighs of relief all around.

The next one-on-one date goes to Tierra. Sean asks early on: if you had to do it all over again, would you relate to the other girls differently? She says no, those girls aren’t going to be around much longer so who cares about them. Bad answer, sister. Guys want wives who the rest of the world likes, not ones the rest of the world hates.

Next is a group date with Desiree, Catherine, and Lindsay. Sean gets to roust them out of bed to see what they look like at 4 a.m., and he even snaps Polaroids of all of ’em… yessss! That information is gold when figuring out if he wants to spend the rest of his life with one of them. Off they go to the easternmost tip of the island to be, according to Sean, the first people in the USA to see the sunset that morning. What the…? Turns out St. Croix is part of the U.S. Virgin Islands and thus a territory of the United States. I say territories, schmerritories, and that people from Maine (like the Bachelorette Ashley Hebert) have reason to be upset by this claim. And I’ll tell you what proves my point: during the show we see that in St. Croix they drive on the left. Can you get more un-American than that?

Anyway, Sean’s second genius move of the day is to take the gals to a treehouse. Anyone who does not find treehouses cool is not someone I care to associate with, and no doubt Sean sees it the same way. Catherine and Lindsay like treehouses well enough, but they don’t like seeing that Sean seems to have a stronger connection to Desiree than to either of them.

At night, Catherine has a shocking revelation for the second week in a row: it’s that her father has a troubled past and she no longer sees him very often. Sean does have a rose to give out and it goes to… Lindsay? That means she has a home visit in the bag and Sean will be meeting her father the General next week. Boo ya!

Nobody goes without a date this week, and that means Lesley has a one-on-one. Frankly if there were a nuclear apocalypse and you had to restart the human race, you could do worse than Lesley and Sean as your specimens. Anyway, Sean asks if she has a shocking revelation. And she’s on the verge of saying that…. she loves him… but doesn’t stay it. Instead, true to her Beltway profession, she launches into a sort of romantic filibuster. Mind you, to me it’s no negative that she doesn’t say she loves him after 2-3 dates, but in the alternate reality that’s The Bachelor, this is considered a shocking slight.

Time for a previously unseen female face. namely Sean’s sister Shay. He mentioned earlier in the season that the reason he grew up a quiet guy is that his sister never stopped talking, and we certainly see that here. Talk turns to Tierra, and he suggests bringing her over to meet Sis to get her take, but when Sean goes to get Tierra she’s in the midst of her breakdown du jour. Even Sean has had enough and (despite 10 producers no doubt on their knees begging him to keep her around) he sends her packing. Don’t worry Bachelor fans, I’m sure she’ll be back for more on “The Women Tell All.” Or you can find her in her job as a leasing consultant in Denver. “Here’s an upstairs unit with two bedrooms. I DESERVE THE BEST! And you see it’s got a stackable washer dryer. I HAVE SUFFERED! And the deposit is two months’ rent. Did I mention that I DESERVE THIS?”

Cocktail party time! Well, actually it’s not. Sean has made his decision and wants to go straight to the rose ceremony. Alas, Lesley does not get a rose and has to go home, leading to long, uncontrolled sobbing… by Catherine? Quote from Catherine (still in tears later that night): “If he doesn’t want Lesley I don’t know why I’m here… She has more in common with him than I do… My beliefs are shattered about what he wants.” And mine are shattered about why Catherine is sticking around.

Well, after last year, when I correctly predicted the final four, I obviously got too cocky. Back on January 28th I did pick Desiree and Catherine to get this far, and at least had AshLee fifth, but the biggest surprise is Lindsay. I guess there was more chemistry there than I thought.

In the teaser for next week we not only see that Catherine has two hot sisters, but also that Desiree has a redneck brother who (the preview implies) is no fan of Sean and might even want to step outside with him and settle this like men! Can’t wait.

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