“I have some bizarre news”: The Bachelorette Episode 3 recap

12 Jun

Notes from a fast-forward viewing of this one:

Desiree takes a bunch of the guys on a dodgeball group date. Now, I’m not sure if dodgeball is always played wearing 1970s-style striped tube socks pulled all the way over the calves, crotch-hugging shorts, tank tops, and Loverboy headbands. But that’s how they outfitted the guys this time. The team in blue wins the first round, causing Desiree to give the red team a pep talk. Ever the strategist, she coaches them up as follows: “Whatever you’re doing… it’s not working.”

The blue team wins the game (the stakes being an evening with Des for the winners), and Des promptly announces she’s decided both teams will spend the evening with her. When something similar happened on the last season of The Bachelor, incredible cattiness broke out among the women, but here the bros are cool with it. That evening the rose goes to Chris, a tall fellow who lacks the cartoonish physique of some of the others but proved to be quite the ace dodgeball player.

The next day, Des is lounging around her airy home wearing flesh-colored tights. I mention the latter because I have observed from this comic that wearing flesh-colored pants can make one appear to be wearing no pants at first glance. Anyway, Chris Harrison calls and says he has bizarre news, which usually means he has discovered that a contestant has a girlfriend back home. Sure enough, that’s the case here, so Desiree runs a little entrapment sting by taking Brian outside and asking him about past relationships. No sooner has he said that his last relationship is done with than Chris ushers in Brian’s (ex-?) girlfriend. She goes on a tirade in which she calls Brian a coward, a pig, and a jerk, among other things. She claims he left to do the show telling her he was going to a business meeting (doesn’t shooting the show last for weeks or months?). Chris moderates, being his usual sanctimonious self. It’s not clear what exactly Brian is guilty of, but he does seem to be guilty of lying to someone about something, and in the Bachelor court of law that’s all the due process that Harrison needs to send someone packing.

These moments are strange. I wonder why these maybe-jilted women don’t just tell the guy in question never to call them again (or even tell him he’s a jerk, off-camera). Instead they feel the need to go on national TV and become famous for going on an ugly rant.

Anyway, this fairly fake moment is followed by a genuinely touching moment, as Brandon, an outdoorsy fellow with a Minnesota accent, hears that Brian’s ex-girlfriend is a single mother. Brandon talks about growing up without a father and becoming attached to his mother’s boyfriends as father figures, only to be crushed when they would suddenly be gone. Definitely one of the most sincere moments I can remember seeing on this show.

Immediately after all of the drama with Brian, Des goes on a date with Kasey, the social media worker who thankfully has dropped his “hashtag” shtick from the first episode. And no, despite the “Kasey with a K” this guy is nothing like Kasey the “guard and protect your heart” guy whose singing was one of the most cringeworthy moments in the show’s history.

Most of the rest of the episode’s drama comes from the guys being annoyed by Ben as he continues to try and sneak in extra time with Desiree.

Ousted this week are two guys (besides the prematurely booted Brian). One is Dan who I hadn’t even noticed at all except to observe that his job is listed as Beverage Sales Manager, which seems to be a really common occupation among contestants on this show. Is this their way of saying “bartender”? Also booted is Brandon, the sincere guy mentioned above, and he’s absolutely crushed. Don’t take it so hard, bro. Chicks just don’t dig a guy who sounds like he’s part of the cast of “Fargo.” But you’re OK in my book.

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