“We cry inside”: The Bachelorette June 17 2013 recap

18 Jun

There are “only” 13 guys left on the show. And as Chris Harrison, who’s never too proud to state the obvious, notes, they are “the thirteen that Des hopefully sees a future with.”

Both Desiree and the guys are off to Atlantic City, and the bros take up residence on the 44th floor of a spectacular hotel that looks like a Bond villain’s HQ.

The first solo date is with Brad, a cartoonishly square-jawed fellow from Denver who hasn’t been seen much on the show thus far. In his questionnaire he says “I can’t remember the last time a read a book.” Stay away from that type, girlfriend!

Brad and Desiree go on some rides on the boardwalk, including something called the Slingshot that I would not go on for less than $50,000. Scary! At the end of dinner, they take the winding stairs to the top of a lighthouse. Two seconds after getting to the top, Desiree tells Brad she doesn’t see a future with the two of them. She’s obviously quite experienced at this, and I’m sure he wonders why she couldn’t have just told him this at the bottom of that long staircase. Also, there’s no limo for him, not even an SUV, just a very “The Apprentice”-like yellow cab. Jersey, you know?

The next date is a group date featuring everyone except James and the just-ousted Brad. Though none of the hunks have a jacket on, it’s obviously absolutely freezing on the boardwalk, and the guys are soon ushered indoors where they find out they’ll be competing in a “Mr. America” competition, and in fact the reigning Miss America is there to help, wearing her crown no less. I don’t know if this is a sign of the coming Apocalypse or what, but Miss America is only about an 8 out of 10 in the looks department. What has the world come to?

One positive note to counteract that downer: somehow a show involving Atlantic City and Miss America did not feature an appearance by, or even one single mention of, Donald Trump. Amazing!

The guys’ personal pageant coach shows up… and let’s just say even Saturday Night Live’s “Girl with no gaydar” character would be onto this particular fellow. While he sort of coaches the guys, we find out that Juan Pablo the Latin stud can twirl a baton (?). Then they wheel out a rack with the bathing suits the guys have to wear for the swimsuit competition. If you guessed that means some of the guys have to wear Speedos, you have obviously seen a reality show in the last 10 years. Congrats.

Time for the competition in front of an audience of thous… er, hundr…. OK, tens of people. Plus an ultra-dark background to try and suggest the crowd is way bigger. The most notable moments are Mikey the thick-necked fellow (who’s not from New Jersey but looks like he is) saying that women think men are just about looks. “We cry inside,” Mikey notes. Also, Zak from the Texas Hill Country whips out a guitar and sings a tune reminiscent of Wes from a bygone season and “Love, It Don’t Come Easy”. The winner of the pageant is Kasey the social media guy, but he doesn’t automatically get the rose for doing so. Hashtag raw deal!

The show tries to squeeze much drama out of Ben the designated “villain,” but I don’t care what Desiree’s soundbite said, her body language says she is not into him. So his “threat” is minimal.

The other solo date goes to James, a tall dark and handsome type who is “a senior sales executive for the 5th fast [sic] growing marketing publisher in the U.S.” Their date ends up being a helicopter tour of the devastation wrought by Hurricane Sandy along the Jersey Shore, led by a lady from the Red Cross. James pays rapt attention to everything including a tour of an older couple’s wrecked home. When Desiree announces she wants to give their fancy date to the couple while she and James have a piece of pizza at a dive bar, he couldn’t be cooler with it.

So dads of America, ready to send a pic of your daughter to this dream son-in-law? Not so fast. For one thing, the “coming soon” previews indicate he’s going to get exposed for being on the show for the wrong reasons. For another, he tells Des that his longest relationship ran aground because he cheated on his girlfriend when he was a freshman in college. Frankly I don’t see too much chemistry between him and Desiree.

So who is the favorite this season anyway? That’s a darn good question.

We do know the winner will not be book publisher Zack K., who gets no rose and is sent home.

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