Cross exami-dating: The Bachelorette June 24 2013 recap

25 Jun

It’s the 100th post for this blog, and time to take this season of The Bachelorette overseas. The show begins with the hunks disembarking from the Munich subway at the historic Odeonsplatz. Is one of them planning a Beer Hall Putsch… of love?

Before we can get to that, the bros need to look around the city a bit. And much like the visit to Switzerland in a previous Bachelor or Bachelorette, only approximately 1/5 of the usual amount of people are milling about. Where is Munich’s population?

Well, Bryden the ex-GI is not worrying about that. Rather, he realizes that he’s just not feelin’ it with Des. Remember, while in the real world it’s considered good to be honest with someone that a relationship isn’t working out, in the Bachelor world this is a high crime that outrages one and all. Anyway, Bryden doesn’t want to wait to say his goodbyes, and the fact that Des is on a date with mortgage broker Chris is no hindrance. His plan to track the gal down is to simply walk around Munich asking if anyone has seen TV cameras until he finds her. Bryden may not be the sharpest knife in the utility belt.

After he breaks the news to Des, she cries. And no doubt so do the producers who realize they just wasted a round-trip plane ticket to Europe on the guy.

Meanwhile, the other bros are at the swanky hotel Vier Jahreszeiten, and they’re discussing the pros and cons of one-on-one dates, group dates, and the annual two-on-one which Harrison has announced will be this week. Now, the bros are game to discuss anything, and the producers are game to show anything the bros discuss to help kill two hours, no matter how obvious the subject matter is. If someone asked the bros what they thought about shoes, one would say “Shoes are huge if you want to walk on gravel without hurting your feet,” while another would add “If you don’t have shoes in winter, your feet will be seriously cold.”

On the group date, the guys head for the mountain known as the Zugspitze. They learn how to yodel, and the guys also learn that Desiree has the hots for James, whom she joined on a one-on-one date last week. However, Brooks, the tall guy with a wimpy beard, gets the rose.

Time for the two-on-one. It’s Michael, the lawyer from Florida, vs. this season’s designated villain, Ben the bar owner from Dallas. Michael declares “Ben will be found guilty of fraud and impersonation of a Southern gentleman.” They head for the lovely lake known as the Tegernsee, and Desiree has an interesting contraption known as the “hot tug” — a hot tub that you can steer across the water like a boat. It sounds like something Cosmo Kramer would come up with, but it works. The trio’s bodies are comfy, but the atmosphere is anything but: Michael talks about how tough it was to be a little boy whose father was away a lot, an unmistakable dig at Ben who has been playing up his single fatherhood yet had no problem leaving little Mr. Perfect for months to go on this show.

Meanwhile we cut back to the hotel, as a couple of the guys tell the others what they overheard on the van ride back after the group date (the Zugspitze is about a two-hour drive from Munich so they would’ve had plenty of time to talk). Supposedly James told Mikey that he already “runs Chicago” now, but that after being on this show “I can introduce you to tall, good-looking women that have a lot of money.” (I think most guys would settle for “short, good-looking and only one maxed-out credit card”.) Anyway the clear implication is that James is only on the show to be a star and possibly the next Bachelor.

But back to the 2-on-one date. Michael is dead set on making Des realize that Ben is a jerk. And I have no doubt he is. Alas, Michael’s plan to expose Ben involves Michael being an even bigger jerk. Ben proclaims that when he’s married he wants the whole family to be together and go to church every Sunday, and that’s just the opening Michael the lawyer needed. He points out that it was just Easter a couple of days before, and every one of the guys except Ben went to church… including the Jewish guy (perhaps he converted to Christianity on the spot)! And by the way, Ben, Mr. Family and Church Are Everything, made no effort to talk to his son on Easter. Perry Mason never made such compelling arguments, however they were out of place at a pseudo-friendly dinner and Des is P.O.’d. She doesn’t have chemistry with either one of them, but less with Ben than Michael, so she sends Ben home, and Ben’s reaction makes him look ever so slightly psycho.

At the end of the episode, a couple of guys decide it’s time to do a little J’accuse on James for the “tall, good-looking women” business, and the previews last week made clear that this would happen. Well, they lied.  Desiree tells Chris Harrison she has already made up her mind on whom to sent home, and it’s Mikey the plumbing contractor. I guess he now gets first crack at going home and “running” Chicago.

Six episodes in, I guess it’s time I made some kind of prediction, but the best I can do is break the remaining eight guys into three groups.

NO CHANCE GROUP:

Drew: Earnest guy, probably a good guy, but I don’t see the chemistry.

Michael: His cross-examining is just too much. No chemistry here either.

Zak: He has a wild-eyed expression no matter what the situation. Not good for romance.

STILL NOT SURE GROUP:

Brooks: The ugliest guy on the show by a wide margin, but Des seems to like his sense of humor.

Kasey: The social media specialist. Will Desiree “like” him, or will the hashtagger make a hash of it?

FAVORITES:

James: The other guys think he’s insincere, and he probably is, but Desiree does have the hots for him.

Juan Pablo: We have learned nothing except that Desiree loves his accent. He has probably made love to every woman on the show’s crew six weeks in.

Chris: I have to say I think the mortgage broker might be “a-loan” at the top when all is said and done.

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