Archive | July, 2013

“I’m on board”: The Bachelorette July 29 2013 recap

29 Jul

Antigua: a nation that was cruelly overlooked in the lyrics of the Beach Boys song “Kokomo.” The Bachelorette is going to try and make up for that here. What any other show would call the second-to-last episode is, in Bachelor-speak, “Part I of the conclusion.”

Now, this is the week that features the Fantasy Suite cards. To recap if you’re new to the show, this means the suitors are given the choice of either spending the night in bed with the hottest woman any of them have ever met, or going back to their own rooms and watching Kimmel. So really, the only challenge is to try and look nonchalant and restrained when the overnight stay is brought up, and if possible to suggest that the quality time will help one explore every square inch of Desiree’s … personality. Drew and Chris both manage to pull this off with straight faces, with Drew saying “I’m on board.”

Drew’s date just begged to be fast-forwarded through, which is what I did. He is so boring. Chris isn’t as boring, but he and Desiree are just too  precious as a couple. I can just see them at Albertson’s having a cute 3-minute conversation about every grocery choice before putting it in the cart. Yecch.

On to Brooks, who heads for Boise to see his mother and sister before heading to Antigua. Basically he’s wondering if he’s even in love with Desiree. Of all the nerve, the producers must be saying! She’s hot and we say you should be in love, what’s your problem? Mom and Sis quickly get to the root of the matter: it’s not that he’s wondering whether he’s in love or not, it’s that he’s really sure that he isn’t. (And that’s not his only problem: can you imagine being in the middle seat on a plane on the flight from Boise to Antigua?)

Cut to Des and some introspection, the kind of introspection that is experienced wearing an incredibly skimpy outfit (guys, if you have it on TiVo check out the one hour 9 minute mark). Des makes a surprising admission: “Even though I’m falling in love with the other guys I still have deeper feelings for Brooks.” Uh-oh.

Suddenly Brooks, a minor character at most this season, is the leading man in this play! And when he meets Desiree, he wastes no time getting to the point. Well, let me rephrase that: he wastes no time sitting her down to tell her he has a point to make, it does take him a while to get there. Much crying ensues in the type of long conversation most of us have had at one time or another in our lives. Not fun.

Desiree says he is the only one she loved, and that she just doesn’t have the same type of feelings for Drew and Chris. “Honestly, for me, it’s over,” she says.

The stage is set for the most dramatic “part II of the conclusion” … ever.


The Men Tell Little: The Bachelorette July 22 2013 recap

23 Jul

It’s time for these confrontation-shy guys (yeah, right) to tell all in front of a studio audience. But first, Chris Harrison shows scenes of himself and Desiree crashing some Bachelorette-watching parties. Obviously ever girl in America wants to hug Desiree, and I have to say, seeing Des next to a bunch of regular Janes, you can understand why all of these guys are so gaga over her. But since Des can only cover part of the USA, we also see some New York viewing party-crashing ably handled by none other than Ashley and J.P. The new Mrs. Rosenbaum is all smiles and having a per-FACT time, and I have to admit J.P. is growing on me a bit.

I do ask myself how Harrison and Co. know where Bachelorette viewing parties are going on. The women at them are so well-dressed, and turning out in such numbers (a group of 30?) that I suspect some pre-arrangement is going on here. Shocking for reality TV, I know.

Before we get to the action, it’s time for Des to get some tips from her predecessors Ali, Ashley, and Emily (note to Desiree: only one of the three is still with the man she chose, so you might want to listen to her more than the others).

OK, time for a real man, a man’s man. No, not the idiots on this show, I mean Sonny Corinthos from General Hospital who has an entire 30-second commercial devoted to him. I love Sonny.

Finally Chris sits down with the eliminated contestants, including some very unfamiliar faces. I believe the only one missing is Brian, whom Chris chides for passing up the chance to be there. Hmm, how come Brian didn’t want to be ambushed on national television and called a despicable liar a second time, despite there being zero upside in doing so? Weird.

The most shocking revelation of the night comes from Dan, the beverage sales guy who looks like a young Jeff Probst. He mentions that the mother of Ben’s son approached Dan in Las Vegas with some revelations that Ben is not much of a father. Cue gasps and astonished looks from a crowd that, unusually, includes a few men and even a gray-haired granny type.

James and Mikey and their supposed “tall beautiful women with a lot of money” conversation is discussed ad nauseam, the one saving grace being that Drew is still a contestant on the show so only Kasey is on hand to provide sanctimonious blather.

Finally, Zak is up, and Desiree exchanges a few words with him. He wants closure, which is a terrible idea. Younger guys out there, listen up: don’t ask a woman for closure. What happened is that she either liked someone else more or just decided she didn’t like you. Making her spell it out will not make you feel better. Anyway, Zak whips out a guitar and sings a little song he wrote about the whole matter. One lone woman (in the audience of a thousand) cries, so the camera zooms in on her.

At the end, Harrison announces we are heading for the most emotionally intense finale… ever. So much so that they had to stretch it over not two but four hours. Groan.

Mico and the Man: The Bachelorette July 15 2013 recap

16 Jul

Unlike the producers of the Bachelorette I have a hard time creating drama where none exists, so this recap of the “hometown visits” episode will be very brief.

We begin with Zak, who we’ve heard all season is from Mico in the Texas Hill Country. Now they say his hometown is Dallas, some 300 miles away. Hmm. We find out that his family operates a Sno-Cone truck. Zak takes Desiree on an ice cream run and even puts on a costume, allowing her to deliver the classic line “that penguin is my boyfriend.”

On to Drew in Scottsdale, Arizona. There is a tender moment as we meet his sister who has special needs. Drew has obviously been through a lot in his day. Probably a good man, unfortunately not an entertaining man to watch. By the way I’ve noticed it’s always the sisters of the guys who like to hog all of the attention at these events. Probably because all of them have watched every minute of every Bachelor episode since the beginning while the mothers, fathers, and brothers had never even heard of the show before.

Next up is Chris in McMinnville, Oregon. The lasting impression I will have from this visit is when his father, a chiropractor of some sort, has Chris lie down and then sprays something up his nose on national TV. Slightly creepy.

Finally, it’s on to Brooks and his clan’s fairly fabulous home in Utah. The house is more interesting than the family.

Now for the moment I’ve been waiting for all season: the meeting with her brother Nate, who pretty much ruined Desiree’s life and dashed her dreams when she brought Sean home to the family on The Bachelor. It turns out the two of them have not seen each other since that fateful day, and she doesn’t seem to be enjoying meeting him now. But she gamely runs down the list of her suitors while he gives her an ultra-skeptical look. Briefly things are looking up when he says he’d like to meet the guys, but then he clarifies “I’d like to get in their heads.” Later, when we see the guys arrive at the posh Beverly Hilton, there’s an ultra-creepy shot of Nate in the background observing them in stalker-like fashion.

At the rose ceremony, alas it’s Zak who didn’t get the rose. Abs and Sno-Cones only get you so far. Also, before he gets in the limo she gives back a ring that she gave him. A few minutes later he orders the limo to pull over and chucks it out the window.





The prosecution rests: The Bachelorette July 8 2013 recap

8 Jul

When an episode begins with a look at highlights of the show you’re about to see, and they can’t put together 1 minute of interesting highlights of a 2-hour show, you know you’re in trouble. The guys who are left on this season, and the girl who’s the star of it, are just too boring!

Luckily, Desiree starts the episode by telling us via voiceover that she has “invited some girlfriends out to Madeira.” And lo and behold, those girlfriends are three former Bachelor contestants. First there’s Catherine, the freaky Filipina who is engaged to studly Sean from last season. Then there’s Lesley, the blonde from Arkansas via Washington D.C. who longtime readers of this blog know that I consider to be atom-smashingly hot. Lesley needs her own show, if not her own channel. Her one weakness is that she’s perhaps a bit too in love with her designated “enigmatic” facial expression that she loves to put on. And last and definitely least, we have Jackie, the redhead whose impact on “The Bachelor” was minimal at best. I barely even saw fit to mention her on this blog, which clinches it!

So what will happen when these four hotties meet? Well, after looking at their midriffs, the one thing I can rule out is that the four of them will enjoy a meal together!

Desiree politely begins by asking for an update on how Catherine and Sean are doing… but frankly this seems to be a sore subject for Des to this day. Thankfully, they move on to Des running down the list of her current suitors, and the gals asking questions about which one has the best body, cutest eyes, etc. Near the end of the conversation the guys are sent out to frolic at a nearby pool while the women check them out via binoculars and ask further questions of Desiree. I protest this objectification of men!

Oh, before I forget: Desiree’s description of Drew is “the sweetest person you’ll ever meet.” Now, there was a time when I was young and foolish when I would have taken that remark to mean that Drew has the best shot with her. Of course, being older and wiser I now know it means Drew has no shot with her.

Two hours of boredom ensue, so let’s fast-forward to the rose ceremony. It was pretty obvious that one of the two crazy-eyed guys would be sent home: Michael the prosecutor or Zak the Central Texas wacko. Turns out it’s Michael, and he’s crushed. Desiree tries to comfort him, but her comforting words are “we have a great foundation of friendship.” Ouch. And then we have what may be a Bachelorette first: Michael whips out his cell phone and calls his mother right from the limo! Way to confirm Desiree’s choice, dude.

When I saw him whip out the phone I was half-expecting to hear, “Hey, James and Mikey? Michael here. Ummm, maybe I was a little harsh with my scathing comments the other day. Er, if you guys still ‘run Chicago,’ any chance I could, um, drop by and party with those tall, beautiful women you were talking about?”

Finally we see the preview for next week. Boring-boring-boring until we see that the moment I’ve been praying for is at hand: Desiree’s jerky brother is back! I can’t wait.

Tapas and tattling: The Bachelorette July 1 2013 recap

1 Jul

Dateline: Barcelona! And the hunks are ready to enjoy it to the fullest, which they prove by trying out their Spanish phrases. I don’t believe I heard any Catalan mixed in there… but anyone who’s that much of an egghead would be a bad fit for Desiree anyway. Chris Harrison greets the bros, and after running down all the rules of the game yet again (hey, they have two hours to fill) he apprises the guys that there will be no cocktail party before the rose ceremony this week. Perhaps all the best locations were already booked.

The first solo date goes to Drew, who settles in with Desiree at a cozy tapas bar and chooses to come clean about his alcoholic father. The night ends with a makeout session in an alleyway. What a lovely way to end the evening! Oh but wait, he’s not done… he has to tell Desiree about the  overheard conversation between James and Mikey that was discussed among the bros last week.

The group date involves playing soccer at an impressive stadium, though not the stadium of FC Barcelona. Was that booked too? Juan Pablo, former pro soccer player that he is, would seem to have the inside track. But then we find out there will be a game with the guys teaming up against Desiree and a team of professional women’s soccer players.

Now, let’s be honest. Almost any guy who fancies himself a jock either secretly believes he could beat female pro athletes at sporting events, or declares openly that he could beat female pro athletes at sporting events. However, at least the weekend-warrior basketball-playing dude who wants to think he would be MVP of the WNBA likely plays basketball every chance he gets, and is very familiar with the game. Here, a bunch of guys who probably haven’t kicked a ball in years claim to be confident they can beat female pros. They are proven wrong by a score of 10-2, and I’m pretty sure they showed every single goal, complete with James the goalie half-assing it and looking like a wimp. Seriously, even Sylvester Stallone in the movie Victory was a better goalie.

At the afterparty, Chris is one of the first to take Desiree aside. I named him my favorite to win last week, and I have to say the lovey-dovey talk between him and her is already semi-sickening. You can already picture them grocery-shopping together, considering each individual orange as a couple before placing it in the shopping cart.

Soon Kasey takes it upon himself to confront James about the now infamous conversation. Though oddly, the “tall, beautiful women with a lot of money” comment, previously attributed to James, is now ascribed to the since-voted-out Mikey by Kasey. James denies everything, and Michael the prosecutor can’t resist joining in on this confrontation. The most interesting part is when James turns on Michael and says that when Michael said [this is bleeped out] the previous night he made sure the cameras weren’t on. Now, the guys’ multiple confrontations with James, and Desiree’s conversations with him about them, take up a good part of the show, but quickly become tiresome. The guys just can’t handle the idea that James was considering what would happen if Des didn’t choose him, despite the fact that his chances of being chosen were only about 10%.

Somehow amid the drama Des finds time to go on a date with Zak, the Mico, TX guy who spent the first episode without a shirt. Here, they go to a life-drawing class and the mischievous fellow decides to cap it off by doing a bit of posing of his own, wearing only boxer briefs. Just in case Des had forgotten about his abs in the meantime.

At the rose ceremony, I really thought the last rose would go to James but it went to the prosecutor, Michael. Sent home is not only James, but also the soccer-playing Latin Juan Pablo. And Kasey the social-media expert is “defriended” as well.

That leaves us with five fairly boring guys and a fairly boring girl. Bummer.