Tapas and tattling: The Bachelorette July 1 2013 recap

1 Jul

Dateline: Barcelona! And the hunks are ready to enjoy it to the fullest, which they prove by trying out their Spanish phrases. I don’t believe I heard any Catalan mixed in there… but anyone who’s that much of an egghead would be a bad fit for Desiree anyway. Chris Harrison greets the bros, and after running down all the rules of the game yet again (hey, they have two hours to fill) he apprises the guys that there will be no cocktail party before the rose ceremony this week. Perhaps all the best locations were already booked.

The first solo date goes to Drew, who settles in with Desiree at a cozy tapas bar and chooses to come clean about his alcoholic father. The night ends with a makeout session in an alleyway. What a lovely way to end the evening! Oh but wait, he’s not done… he has to tell Desiree about the  overheard conversation between James and Mikey that was discussed among the bros last week.

The group date involves playing soccer at an impressive stadium, though not the stadium of FC Barcelona. Was that booked too? Juan Pablo, former pro soccer player that he is, would seem to have the inside track. But then we find out there will be a game with the guys teaming up against Desiree and a team of professional women’s soccer players.

Now, let’s be honest. Almost any guy who fancies himself a jock either secretly believes he could beat female pro athletes at sporting events, or declares openly that he could beat female pro athletes at sporting events. However, at least the weekend-warrior basketball-playing dude who wants to think he would be MVP of the WNBA likely plays basketball every chance he gets, and is very familiar with the game. Here, a bunch of guys who probably haven’t kicked a ball in years claim to be confident they can beat female pros. They are proven wrong by a score of 10-2, and I’m pretty sure they showed every single goal, complete with James the goalie half-assing it and looking like a wimp. Seriously, even Sylvester Stallone in the movie Victory was a better goalie.

At the afterparty, Chris is one of the first to take Desiree aside. I named him my favorite to win last week, and I have to say the lovey-dovey talk between him and her is already semi-sickening. You can already picture them grocery-shopping together, considering each individual orange as a couple before placing it in the shopping cart.

Soon Kasey takes it upon himself to confront James about the now infamous conversation. Though oddly, the “tall, beautiful women with a lot of money” comment, previously attributed to James, is now ascribed to the since-voted-out Mikey by Kasey. James denies everything, and Michael the prosecutor can’t resist joining in on this confrontation. The most interesting part is when James turns on Michael and says that when Michael said [this is bleeped out] the previous night he made sure the cameras weren’t on. Now, the guys’ multiple confrontations with James, and Desiree’s conversations with him about them, take up a good part of the show, but quickly become tiresome. The guys just can’t handle the idea that James was considering what would happen if Des didn’t choose him, despite the fact that his chances of being chosen were only about 10%.

Somehow amid the drama Des finds time to go on a date with Zak, the Mico, TX guy who spent the first episode without a shirt. Here, they go to a life-drawing class and the mischievous fellow decides to cap it off by doing a bit of posing of his own, wearing only boxer briefs. Just in case Des had forgotten about his abs in the meantime.

At the rose ceremony, I really thought the last rose would go to James but it went to the prosecutor, Michael. Sent home is not only James, but also the soccer-playing Latin Juan Pablo. And Kasey the social-media expert is “defriended” as well.

That leaves us with five fairly boring guys and a fairly boring girl. Bummer.

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