The prosecution rests: The Bachelorette July 8 2013 recap

8 Jul

When an episode begins with a look at highlights of the show you’re about to see, and they can’t put together 1 minute of interesting highlights of a 2-hour show, you know you’re in trouble. The guys who are left on this season, and the girl who’s the star of it, are just too boring!

Luckily, Desiree starts the episode by telling us via voiceover that she has “invited some girlfriends out to Madeira.” And lo and behold, those girlfriends are three former Bachelor contestants. First there’s Catherine, the freaky Filipina who is engaged to studly Sean from last season. Then there’s Lesley, the blonde from Arkansas via Washington D.C. who longtime readers of this blog know that I consider to be atom-smashingly hot. Lesley needs her own show, if not her own channel. Her one weakness is that she’s perhaps a bit too in love with her designated “enigmatic” facial expression that she loves to put on. And last and definitely least, we have Jackie, the redhead whose impact on “The Bachelor” was minimal at best. I barely even saw fit to mention her on this blog, which clinches it!

So what will happen when these four hotties meet? Well, after looking at their midriffs, the one thing I can rule out is that the four of them will enjoy a meal together!

Desiree politely begins by asking for an update on how Catherine and Sean are doing… but frankly this seems to be a sore subject for Des to this day. Thankfully, they move on to Des running down the list of her current suitors, and the gals asking questions about which one has the best body, cutest eyes, etc. Near the end of the conversation the guys are sent out to frolic at a nearby pool while the women check them out via binoculars and ask further questions of Desiree. I protest this objectification of men!

Oh, before I forget: Desiree’s description of Drew is “the sweetest person you’ll ever meet.” Now, there was a time when I was young and foolish when I would have taken that remark to mean that Drew has the best shot with her. Of course, being older and wiser I now know it means Drew has no shot with her.

Two hours of boredom ensue, so let’s fast-forward to the rose ceremony. It was pretty obvious that one of the two crazy-eyed guys would be sent home: Michael the prosecutor or Zak the Central Texas wacko. Turns out it’s Michael, and he’s crushed. Desiree tries to comfort him, but her comforting words are “we have a great foundation of friendship.” Ouch. And then we have what may be a Bachelorette first: Michael whips out his cell phone and calls his mother right from the limo! Way to confirm Desiree’s choice, dude.

When I saw him whip out the phone I was half-expecting to hear, “Hey, James and Mikey? Michael here. Ummm, maybe I was a little harsh with my scathing comments the other day. Er, if you guys still ‘run Chicago,’ any chance I could, um, drop by and party with those tall, beautiful women you were talking about?”

Finally we see the preview for next week. Boring-boring-boring until we see that the moment I’ve been praying for is at hand: Desiree’s jerky brother is back! I can’t wait.

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