“I’m on board”: The Bachelorette July 29 2013 recap

29 Jul

Antigua: a nation that was cruelly overlooked in the lyrics of the Beach Boys song “Kokomo.” The Bachelorette is going to try and make up for that here. What any other show would call the second-to-last episode is, in Bachelor-speak, “Part I of the conclusion.”

Now, this is the week that features the Fantasy Suite cards. To recap if you’re new to the show, this means the suitors are given the choice of either spending the night in bed with the hottest woman any of them have ever met, or going back to their own rooms and watching Kimmel. So really, the only challenge is to try and look nonchalant and restrained when the overnight stay is brought up, and if possible to suggest that the quality time will help one explore every square inch of Desiree’s … personality. Drew and Chris both manage to pull this off with straight faces, with Drew saying “I’m on board.”

Drew’s date just begged to be fast-forwarded through, which is what I did. He is so boring. Chris isn’t as boring, but he and Desiree are just too  precious as a couple. I can just see them at Albertson’s having a cute 3-minute conversation about every grocery choice before putting it in the cart. Yecch.

On to Brooks, who heads for Boise to see his mother and sister before heading to Antigua. Basically he’s wondering if he’s even in love with Desiree. Of all the nerve, the producers must be saying! She’s hot and we say you should be in love, what’s your problem? Mom and Sis quickly get to the root of the matter: it’s not that he’s wondering whether he’s in love or not, it’s that he’s really sure that he isn’t. (And that’s not his only problem: can you imagine being in the middle seat on a plane on the flight from Boise to Antigua?)

Cut to Des and some introspection, the kind of introspection that is experienced wearing an incredibly skimpy outfit (guys, if you have it on TiVo check out the one hour 9 minute mark). Des makes a surprising admission: “Even though I’m falling in love with the other guys I still have deeper feelings for Brooks.” Uh-oh.

Suddenly Brooks, a minor character at most this season, is the leading man in this play! And when he meets Desiree, he wastes no time getting to the point. Well, let me rephrase that: he wastes no time sitting her down to tell her he has a point to make, it does take him a while to get there. Much crying ensues in the type of long conversation most of us have had at one time or another in our lives. Not fun.

Desiree says he is the only one she loved, and that she just doesn’t have the same type of feelings for Drew and Chris. “Honestly, for me, it’s over,” she says.

The stage is set for the most dramatic “part II of the conclusion” … ever.

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