The Bachelor Season Premiere recap: “I do have some insecurities”

10 Jan

This season’s two-hour premiere was preceded by a two-hour Sunday night “countdown to Juan Pablo.” I don’t watch the Super Bowl pregame show, so why watch a Bachelor pregame show?

If you were worried that skipping  Sunday night would make you miss some important fact about Juan Pablo, Monday night’s show calmed your fears, as it recapped every possible fact about Juan Pablo. Follow that up with a shirtless jog and a talk with his boring predecessor Sean, and it’s time for us viewers to meet some of the ladies, including: Amy, a brunette massage therapist who you only need to look at for one second to see she’s the season’s designated psycho. All of the others are more or less saints, or at least portrayed as such.

Time to head for the mansion as JP has his final talk with Chris Harrison. Big news: rather than the usual 25, this time there will be 27 women vying for JP’s affection (JP being my abbreviation for Juan Pablo, not to be confused with the J.P. who is now married to the “perr-fact” Bachelorette Ashley Hebert). Among the people the limousines disgorge are:

– Nikki, a blonde pediatric nurse from Missouri. My opening line would have been, “I think you might need a nurse yourself, because you have a sick body.”

– Lucy, whose occupation is described as “free spirit.” She proves it by showing up barefoot. Frankly I suspect that this shtick might have been concocted by the producers. Also, I had a look at her bio, and one of her answers on the questionnaire begins “I admire my best friend Kate Upton…” Holy Moley, talk about burying the lead! I would definitely give my (real) number to Kate Upton’s best friend. Probably even her third-best.

– Elise, a first-grade teacher from Pennsylvania who has the most spectacular chest this side of Pennsylvania. Either the cameraman is under orders to put her at the center of every group shot, or my eyes are drawn to her no matter where she is in the frame. Or both. It seems she has won just about every pageant that involves Pennsylvania, Italian-Americans, or Italian-Americans from Pennsylvania. I had no idea so many pageants existed.

– Lauren H., a mineral coordinator from Oklahoma. She never explains what the heck that job entails, but does explain her last breakup at great length. At the cocktail party, she’s not one of the first to get a conversation with JP, and this fact turns her into a basket case, such that she can’t get a sentence out when she does finally talk to JP.

– Lauren S., a composer from Austin who doesn’t get out of the limousine, but rather comes down the driveway pushing a piano (and playing it at the same time). This notwithstanding, lame opening gimmicks are at an all-time low this season. Most of the gals just introduce themselves and not much more. Or perhaps their gimmicks were so weak that they were edited out.

– Sharleen, an exotic-looking Canadian opera singer who lives in Germany. She and JP have a normal conversation, and JP is so impressed with how un-psycho she is that she receives the first impression rose… which she seems to only accept with great reluctance!

There’s a minimum of drama, so let’s go right to the rose ceremony, with all 27 women and a dog. You read that right, a dog is at the rose ceremony. It belongs to Kelly, whose occupation is given as “dog lover.”

The most interesting thing that happens is that Kylie, an interior designer from Rockford, IL, thinks she heard her name when in fact the heavily-accented JP said someone else. Much embarrassment ensues, and in interviews Kylie has expressed shock that the moment was used on-air. Kylie, it’s the only interesting thing that happened in two hours!

Kylie, Amy the psycho massage therapist, and Lauren the “I do have some insecurities” mineral coordinator are among those shown the door.

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