“They look really good in piyamas”: The Bachelor January 20 2014 recap

22 Jan

I wish they would show subtitles when this person talks. No, not Juan Pablo. I’m talking about Kelly the dog lover. Between her nasality and her Valley-Girl-ness, I have no idea what she said to begin this show.

After Kelly’s comments, Chris Harrison arrives at the house to find all of the girls “surprised” to see him. But not so surprised that they weren’t all sitting together in a semicircle, shoulder to shoulder. So they’re not really surprised at all. Chris is either wearing a two-tone blue shirt, or just a blue shirt with water spilled on the top half of it. He runs down the basic rules of the game, as he does almost every show. When it comes to complexity, we are not talking about the rules of 43-man squamish here, and I have no doubt that all of the girls are 100% clear on what happens if you don’t get a rose on a date.

The first date goes to Cassandra, a beautiful if oddly long-necked “former NBA dancer.” JP picks her up in an amphibious vehicle and drives right out into the water! Then they go to… JP’s house! How forward!

Meanwhile, back at the house, the participants in the group date are announced, and it’s everyone but Elise (the blonde Italian-American teacher with the one-in-a-million chest) and Chelsie (another blonde teacher, a perky sort).

The group date is what has turned out to be almost an annual event on this show: playing soccer. I think the producers like it because either the players will get competitive, or someone unathletic will embarrass herself, or both. It turns out that a minimum of cattiness ensues. Alas, Sharleen the opera singer is hopeless at soccer, and takes more balls to the face than … (insert your own joke here). Meanwhile, Ally the nanny, who I’m not sure has been on camera more than 1 minute all season, turns out to be quite skilled at soccer.

The afterparty is at the stadium itself. Nikki the pediatric nurse gets some alone time with JP, and he tells her “You have a no sé que.” Anyone who has seen her body would probably tend to say “Yo que,” but whatever. Andi the district attorney gets some time with JP as well, in her case it’s behind the concession counter, and a makeout session in the kitchen ensues.

On to Sharleen the opera singer, who has made no secret of being underwhelmed by everything. Well, one look at JP takes this ice queen from cold to … the cold side of lukewarm. “There’s a chemistry there that you don’t necessarily come across every day,” is the best she can do. However, once she and JP are alone at midfield, things heat up. “What was that sweet word you taught me, mondo?” she asks. For an exotic-looking type who’s from Canada and lives in Germany, she seems to know surprisingly little about the world. Anyway, JP clarifies that the “sweet” word was mundo, or world. And soon thereafter they make out.

The rose goes to Nikki, to the great horror of every other woman there, as each thought she had a stronger connection with JP than Nikki does. Even blasé Sharleen has to admit, “It both surprises and bothers me that I care.”

In the meantime, we got a look at Elise and Chelsie lounging by the pool discussing the world. Elise (27) tells the camera that Chelsie (24) does not seem like a grown woman to her who could be a stepmother to a child. She thinks of Chelsie as more of a little girl, and proceeds to repeat this thought many times throughout the show. Hmm, I’m not saying Chelsie strikes me as the ideal mother, but neither does Elise, now that we know she “was once Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino’s booty call.”

By the way, it is Chelsie who got the other date. Which turns out to involve a Venezuelan meal in Pasadena (so far so good), followed by a “tandem ankle bungee jump.” The latter is administered by a guy who I miiiight trust to pump gas in my car. That’s about as far as I’d go, though. Chelsie gets strapped in, shuffles out to the end of the bridge and freaks out. Now, give JP credit — he’s the first Bachelor I’ve seen to say “holy s–t, I’m scared.” Who wouldn’t be? JP also tells Chelsie she doesn’t have to do it, and he’s OK with her decision either way. What a guy! She does ultimately decide to do it. Gulp!

Later, Chelsie says “I’m proud of you for talking me off that ledge.” Though of course the expression “to talk someone off a ledge” means convincing them not to jump. Well, I will cut her some slack.

Back at Bachelor Mansion, JP pulls up at the house in what’s supposed to be the wee hours of the morning, though it looks like it’s about 11. He wants to surprise the gals by making breakfast for them, and sneaking some peeks at what they look like when they’re not all made up. (All in all they look pretty darn good). He tells them he likes their “piyamas” and then announces there will be a pool party instead of a cocktail party. A few petty jealousies aside, the pool party is uneventful. But Clare, the 32-year-old hairdresser, freaks out anyway, and for the third time in two shows Renee ends up comforting somebody who’s crying.

Two girls are ousted at the rose ceremony:

– Christy, a blonde who hadn’t been seen much on screen, and:

-Lucy, who loves to get naked and whose best friend is Kate Upton. Those two things being the case, I think she’ll be OK as far as drawing interest from guys.

 

 

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