Archive | February, 2014

“I’m not gonna let you manipulate Momma”: The Bachelor February 24 and 25 2014 recap

26 Feb

OK, we have 4 hours of show to get to, so I’m dispensing with all formalities!

Monday’s episode begins with mooing cows. That means Kansas City and Nikki. They start by going to a place named Oklahoma Joe’s barbecue. Having seen Nikki’s body, I very much doubt that she eats more than a thimbleful of barbecue per year. Her family is very nice, and there is not much controversy. As they say their goodbyes, she wants to tell him that she loves him but “it didn’t feel right.”

The commercial break includes an ad for Rooms to Go, featuring the Cindy Crawford Collection. Since Cindy Crawford is very possibly the hottest woman of all time, I paid close attention to this. She must be 45 or 50, but still looks darn good.

The next hometown date is in Atlanta, where Andi takes Juan Pablo to a gun range. She is an assistant DA, after all. They then head to her home, where a sign says “Welcome Home Pookie.” When the family (including Andi’s equally cute sister) sit down, things don’t go so well. Andi notes, “I saw the sense of disapproval on my dad’s face within the first five minutes.” As it turns out, Dad simply thinks the time he should give the relationship his blessing is when Juan Pablo says Andi is the only girl for him, and no other woman is in the picture. Fair enough! And JP thinks so too.

Renee’s hometown is Sarasota, Florida. Not much happens, and what does happen is interrupted by Chris Harrison and JP plugging a new movie called Need for Speed. Much like Nikki, Renee wants to wrap things up by declaring her love for JP, but the moment just isn’t right.

Finally, we head for Sacramento and Clare, who turns out to be the youngest of six daughters (their father is deceased). None of the daughters look like any of the others, but they all seem normal enough except for the homeliest one of the bunch, Laura. When Clare wants a heart-to-heart with her mother, Laura insists on tagging along. Then she stands up and says “I’m not gonna let you manipulate Momma.” When Clare objects to this, Laura takes a few steps away but still lurks around very creepily. JP is OK with talking to both Laura and Momma at once, and it turns out Clare’s mother is a Spanish speaker. A nice bonus eh, J.P.?

At the rose ceremony, to the surprise of no one Renee is the one eliminated. All in all she is circumspect about it.

Tuesday’s episode begins with shots of various kinds of frogs and lizards. This is to show that we are in St. Lucia! Clare has the first date, blah blah blah. Let’s cut to the chase: how will she react to the fantasy suite offer? She talks at great length about why she is OK with it. The next morning JP clarifies that they “talked and talked.” Got it?

The next date goes to Andi. She and JP take a stroll to the music of a steel drum band. This is straight out of the song “Kokomo”! She is OK with the fantasy suite. JP says that “she is wife material” and the next morning he says “we talked and talked for hours.”

Now we come to the moment that was played up to no end in the previews: we knew we would see  Andi’s fantasy suite date go horribly wrong. The implication was that something truly heinous would take place. Perhaps even the unthinkable, date rape? It turns out the horrible event was … just your basic bad date. Juan Pablo only wanted to talk about himself and didn’t listen to her, plus he brought up the fact that he had had an overnight date with Clare too (though I don’t know what’s so bad about bringing up common knowledge). When Andi woke up, she couldn’t wait to get out of the fantasy suite.

Ah, but there is one more date, namely the one with Nikki. Her outfit is absolutely outrageous, and outrageously revealing. When the fantasy suite card comes out, Nikki says she’s up for it in the least wordy fashion of any of the girls.

Time for JP’s talk with Chris Harrison, which is as exciting as these always are (yawn). When they’re done, since there’s no cocktail party, Chris announces that the three girls have recorded video messages to JP. Clare and Nikki say what you might expect, but Andi says she wants to convey her thoughts in person.

Andi walks up the hill to where JP is waiting, and voices the concerns mentioned above. She says she has realized he’s not the guy for her. JP says “that’s OK,” which upsets her.

She is evidently upset that he isn‘t upset, and that he doesn’t beg her to reconsider or the like. She put her life on hold for months, just for this? Really I don’t think Andi has much of a beef, or rather her beef is with the concept of the show, not with JP. They had been on just two dates before, so on the third date she found out he wasn’t that great after all. And he’s probably not, but what harm has been done here? Also, JP is in his thirties and has been around. When a woman tells you she has lost interest in you, when has it ever done any good to ask her to reconsider? He obviously knows that all too well.

The other two girls come to the rose ceremony and are informed that Andi is gone. Nikki seems freaked out, Clare seems fine with the concept. And when JP arrives he is quite pissy, but he gamely hands out the two roses.

So all we’ve got left is the “Women Tell All” special, then the finale.


“Quality, quality women”: The Bachelor February 17 2014 recap

24 Feb

The bevy of leggy beauties arrives in Miami for more romance with Juan Pablo. And before you can say Dan Marino, the first date card is out and it goes to Sharleen. Alas, the opera singer is “confused” to get it. I’ll tell you who isn’t confused: Bachelor viewers, on the subject of what channel is on the TV. That’s because the first commercial break of the episode is framed with a rose pattern, something we last saw a couple of weeks ago.

Back to Sharleen: all of the girls are somewhat mystified about what her deal is. Chelsie says semi-diplomatically about Sharleen and Juan Pablo, “I can’t figure out how they’re having a relationship.” On the date itself, Sharleen hints that opera singing might not be the top priority in her life. Still, her ambivalence comes across on the date, and when she gets back to the hotel, she seeks out everyone’s mother confessor, Renee. I don’t see too much romance blooming between Renee and Juan Pablo, but Renee certainly makes herself useful as a sounding board. She is like the R.A. of the freshman dorm that is The Bachelor.

An aside: this season there was no dreaded 2-on-1 date all year. Odd that the producers passed up a chance for drama and crying. That’s not like them.

The second individual date goes to Nikki, and it consists of attending the dance recital of J.P.’s daughter, with his parents and the girl’s mother also in attendance. No pressure! After that they head to the Marlins ballpark where J.P. works. We get to see that Nikki has an awful tattoo on the side of her torso.

Meanwhile, Sharleen has decided to say her goodbyes to J.P. and the season. She certainly likes making out with Juan Pablo but “He doesn’t have what I’m looking for in terms of the forever part.” J.P. is bummed that she’s leaving, and tells the camera that she definitely would have been one of the four to get the hometown date.

This late in the season, there are no roses given out on the individual dates (if 3 girls out of 6 had roses, it would make for a short rose ceremony). But there is one to be handed out on the group date. And the girls find out that once the rose is awarded halfway through, only the girl who gets that rose gets to stick around for the second half. That person turns out to be insecure Andi. Much to the chagrin of Clare, who tells the world “I deserve something amazing and wonderful.” Watch it Clare, you’re veering dangerously close to the kind of thing Tierra, villainess of  Sean’s season, would say.

The three gals who are “rejected,” namely Renee, Clare, and Chelsie, mope their way back to the room. Sharleen being gone, only Nikki is there to lend a sympathetic ear. Actually, not so much: as they discuss their woes, Nikki abruptly gets up and leaves. Clare goes upstairs to confront her about this, and Nikki says “I don’t like you, we’re never going to be friends.”

By the way, in the commercial break our local news plugs tonight’s lead story, “What’s being done to protect young models?” Something tells me this is ratings month.

Most of the rest of the show is devoted to the Clare-Nikki feud. Clare tells the camera, “There’s quality, quality women here. We aren’t brats.” Unlike you-know-who. At one point the two are seated next to each other, wordless, with no one else around. The moment is reminiscent of John Cage’s 4:33.

The rose ceremony is notable for having no “final rose” announcement by Chris Harrison! Chelsie is the one sent home, and everyone else gets a hometown date next week.

This Geyser’s In Love With You: The Bachelor February 10 2014 recap

11 Feb

Juan Pablo and the gals arrive in New Zealand to continue their “journeys.” America breathes a sigh of relief as we are spared Chris Harrison running down the rules of the game as he does on a near-weekly basis.

The first date goes to Andi the assistant district attorney, who’s the only one left who hasn’t yet had a one-on-one date. She and JP settle in for a boat ride that’s relatively uneventful, until the driver heads for some mysterious foliage. JP announces it’s time to strip down for a swim. And folks, having seen the DA in her bathing suit, I think I can say with a fair degree of certainty that Andi works out. Wow. It turns out that some semi-submerged caves are hidden behind that foliage, and the couple goes through some scenery suitable for “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” Well, at the very least “Romancing The Stone.”

After all of that fun, they settle in for dinner right near a geyser. And — surprise! — the geyser blows. The symbolism of all of this is not lost on JP and Andi. And neither is the fact that they are now drenched.

The group date likewise gets off to a ho-hum start with picnic on a hillside (and, as the “deleted scenes” played during the credits show, a chance for JP and the girls to toss animal turds at one another). But things soon get interesting as they head over to the hilltop to find 10-foot-tall transparent plastic balls which people can get into to roll down the hill. These really look like fun, and what’s also fun is that the dress code is swimwear. Nikki wearing a bikini could almost be an hour-long show in and of itself. I doubt JP disagrees, since he gets in more than a few besitos with the pediatric nurse en route to the bottom of the hill.

The afterparty is in a Lord of the Rings-themed park. JP seems as interested in that as he is in talking with Sharleen (though he shows considerable interest in locking lips with Sharleen). Meanwhile, Cassandra has mentioned at least five times that this is her birthday, and the girls even sing her an odd song of the kind  a Roger Ebert book once dubbed “Jolly Bornday.”

Jolly Bornday. Any obviously concocted song sung during a birthday party scene, chosen so the producers can avoid paying the royalty fees for “Happy Birthday.”

Anyway, Cassandra has a heart-to-heart with JP, and badly wants the rose. While at the same time, Renee… badly wants Cassandra to get the rose? I take that as Renee’s admission to herself that she will not be the winner of this season. The rose actually goes to Sharleen, and JP immediately takes Cassandra aside. He explains that he couldn’t bear to have her be away from her son a day longer than necessary, so this is adios. Cue some crying by Cassandra… but also some by Sharleen!

The other one-on-one date (the second one for Clare) is uneventful except at one point when they cut to commercial and for just one second we see an odd shot of the sun blanketing the landscape. It looks like an outtake from one of those “day after a nuclear holocaust”-type movies. Weird!

At the cocktail party everyone is quite glum. Three girls have roses, and somehow everyone senses that the person sent home will not be Nikki (because her connection to JP seems so strong) or Renee (he couldn’t have sent Cassandra packing yet kept a different mother away from her child at the same time). So Chelsie and Kat know it will be one of them, and Kat is shown the door.



“Suckin’ face again” The Bachelor February 3 2014 recap

4 Feb

Who says nothing ever changes about this show? The first commercial break had all of the ads appearing in a frame of roses, so you know the show at hand is in fact The Bachelor. Super-neat!

Juan Pablo and the gals are now in Vietnam, and the first one-on-one date goes to Renee. The highlight is when they stop in at a dress shop and the Vietnamese lady seems to spend an inordinate amount of time measuring Renee’s boobs. Also, we find out JP is sticking with his no-kissing policy, which oddly enough only applies to some of the women, Renee being one of them.

Clare is not one of them, and on a group date which has everyone pairing up for a ride in unusual circular boats, JP is quick to give his boatmate Clare a little “besito,” and she gets another one in the pool later. Meanwhile, Sharleen the opera singer tells us “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.” JP kisses her too.

Meanwhile, Andi the DA has been on screen about every five minutes, saying the same thing: that she’s bummed that she hasn’t had a one-on-one date. JP allays her concerns with — you guessed it — a little makeout session. “Next thing you know, suckin’ face again. Sorry mom,” Andi says.

The gals go back to the plush hotel, but Clare takes a page out of the book of Courtney from two seasons ago and looks up JP for a little late-night swim. Scandalous!

The other one-on-one date goes to Nikki the pediatric nurse. We find out she’s not crazy about rappelling, and that’s pretty much it.

Back to Clare: at the cocktail party JP says he’s all about fairness and therefore “maybe it wasn’t right” that they went for a swim. Clare starts crying. My own gal’s comment on all of this was: “Being a whore never pays.”

At the rose ceremony, three girls are sent home: Kelly the dog lover, Alli the nanny who confusingly looks very similar to Andi, and also a black (?) woman named Danielle who only got to say about 10 sentences the entire season. Juan Pablo has tears in his eyes big-time, which is the first time I can recall such a thing happening (at least as early in the season as the round of 8). And Sharleen is bawling too, for reasons unknown.

Now that we’re down to eight, let’s look at the remaining contestants, in order from least likely to win to most:

Chelsie: A pretty girl and a nice person, but I will be shocked if she is not sent home next week.

Cassandra: Wow, does she have the looks, and JP likes the fact that she has a child also, but she is just too young.

Andi: Might have the most personality of anyone left, but I don’t see much of a connection forming here.

Kat: I think JP likes her looks, but I don’t see much more.

Clare: Has certainly been locking lips with JP a lot, but looks like her act might be wearing thin.

Renee: Yes they bond over both being parents, I just don’t know that they have much else.

Sharleen: The fact that she’s so different from every other woman on the show seems to be a turn-on for JP.

Nikki: If her occasional bouts of negativity don’t torpedo things, I still think she’s the most likely to get the final rose.