“I’m not gonna let you manipulate Momma”: The Bachelor February 24 and 25 2014 recap

26 Feb

OK, we have 4 hours of show to get to, so I’m dispensing with all formalities!

Monday’s episode begins with mooing cows. That means Kansas City and Nikki. They start by going to a place named Oklahoma Joe’s barbecue. Having seen Nikki’s body, I very much doubt that she eats more than a thimbleful of barbecue per year. Her family is very nice, and there is not much controversy. As they say their goodbyes, she wants to tell him that she loves him but “it didn’t feel right.”

The commercial break includes an ad for Rooms to Go, featuring the Cindy Crawford Collection. Since Cindy Crawford is very possibly the hottest woman of all time, I paid close attention to this. She must be 45 or 50, but still looks darn good.

The next hometown date is in Atlanta, where Andi takes Juan Pablo to a gun range. She is an assistant DA, after all. They then head to her home, where a sign says “Welcome Home Pookie.” When the family (including Andi’s equally cute sister) sit down, things don’t go so well. Andi notes, “I saw the sense of disapproval on my dad’s face within the first five minutes.” As it turns out, Dad simply thinks the time he should give the relationship his blessing is when Juan Pablo says Andi is the only girl for him, and no other woman is in the picture. Fair enough! And JP thinks so too.

Renee’s hometown is Sarasota, Florida. Not much happens, and what does happen is interrupted by Chris Harrison and JP plugging a new movie called Need for Speed. Much like Nikki, Renee wants to wrap things up by declaring her love for JP, but the moment just isn’t right.

Finally, we head for Sacramento and Clare, who turns out to be the youngest of six daughters (their father is deceased). None of the daughters look like any of the others, but they all seem normal enough except for the homeliest one of the bunch, Laura. When Clare wants a heart-to-heart with her mother, Laura insists on tagging along. Then she stands up and says “I’m not gonna let you manipulate Momma.” When Clare objects to this, Laura takes a few steps away but still lurks around very creepily. JP is OK with talking to both Laura and Momma at once, and it turns out Clare’s mother is a Spanish speaker. A nice bonus eh, J.P.?

At the rose ceremony, to the surprise of no one Renee is the one eliminated. All in all she is circumspect about it.

Tuesday’s episode begins with shots of various kinds of frogs and lizards. This is to show that we are in St. Lucia! Clare has the first date, blah blah blah. Let’s cut to the chase: how will she react to the fantasy suite offer? She talks at great length about why she is OK with it. The next morning JP clarifies that they “talked and talked.” Got it?

The next date goes to Andi. She and JP take a stroll to the music of a steel drum band. This is straight out of the song “Kokomo”! She is OK with the fantasy suite. JP says that “she is wife material” and the next morning he says “we talked and talked for hours.”

Now we come to the moment that was played up to no end in the previews: we knew we would see  Andi’s fantasy suite date go horribly wrong. The implication was that something truly heinous would take place. Perhaps even the unthinkable, date rape? It turns out the horrible event was … just your basic bad date. Juan Pablo only wanted to talk about himself and didn’t listen to her, plus he brought up the fact that he had had an overnight date with Clare too (though I don’t know what’s so bad about bringing up common knowledge). When Andi woke up, she couldn’t wait to get out of the fantasy suite.

Ah, but there is one more date, namely the one with Nikki. Her outfit is absolutely outrageous, and outrageously revealing. When the fantasy suite card comes out, Nikki says she’s up for it in the least wordy fashion of any of the girls.

Time for JP’s talk with Chris Harrison, which is as exciting as these always are (yawn). When they’re done, since there’s no cocktail party, Chris announces that the three girls have recorded video messages to JP. Clare and Nikki say what you might expect, but Andi says she wants to convey her thoughts in person.

Andi walks up the hill to where JP is waiting, and voices the concerns mentioned above. She says she has realized he’s not the guy for her. JP says “that’s OK,” which upsets her.

She is evidently upset that he isn‘t upset, and that he doesn’t beg her to reconsider or the like. She put her life on hold for months, just for this? Really I don’t think Andi has much of a beef, or rather her beef is with the concept of the show, not with JP. They had been on just two dates before, so on the third date she found out he wasn’t that great after all. And he’s probably not, but what harm has been done here? Also, JP is in his thirties and has been around. When a woman tells you she has lost interest in you, when has it ever done any good to ask her to reconsider? He obviously knows that all too well.

The other two girls come to the rose ceremony and are informed that Andi is gone. Nikki seems freaked out, Clare seems fine with the concept. And when JP arrives he is quite pissy, but he gamely hands out the two roses.

So all we’ve got left is the “Women Tell All” special, then the finale.

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