The Worst Survivor Players of All Time: My Ranking

29 Mar

This ranking is not possible to do scientifically for one main reason: by definition, the first couple of players voted out each season have got to be among the worst, and these players seldom receive enough screen time to be evaluated in full. There might be some really terrible players who we just didn’t see enough badness from.

So while I think my ranking of the ten best is pretty much definitive, the most I can do is offer up some suggestions for the five worst.

But first it’s time for a number of dishonorable mentions, in alphabetical order:

Abi-Maria (Philippines and Cambodia)

Abi decided to torpedo her own alliance for no reason by picking a fight with R.C. In doing so she basically brought down the chances to win of herself, R.C. and Pete all at once. She doesn’t make the bottom five because she did actually start to play the game a bit… after it was too late. In her second chance season, Cambodia, she swore to me a different person but was exactly the same.

Billy (Cook Islands)

Unathletic guy with a “heavy metal” look. Didn’t do well in challenges, and embarrassingly thought that when Candace said “we love you” she was saying “I love you,” prompting him to declare his love for her (Note to Billy: Candace is kind of a bitch anyway, you wouldn’t have wanted to be with her).

Brandon Hantz (Caramoan)

Turned psychotic in Survivor Caramoan and started trashing the camp. Left the game early. The fact that he was a decent player in his first season keeps him out of the bottom five.

Chicken (Survivor China)

Hick who had nothing to offer but his hick-itude and was voted out on the first show.

Colton (One World and Blood vs. Water)

Faked an illness to quit the game when it wasn’t going his way. Then he was brought back for another season and … quit the game when it wasn’t going his way. However, he had some success as the bullying “puppet master” of his original tribe in One World, and even though that was the worst tribe in the history of the show, that little bit of success keeps him out of the bottom five.

Crystal (Gabon)

Was a terrible athlete despite being an Olympic gold medalist in track and field. Case in point, she tried to dunk on a 5-foot-high basket and missed! Still, she did make an alliance with Kenny the video gamer, and was too successful to be in the bottom five.

Erik Reichenbach (Micronesia and Caramoan, aka Fans vs. Favorites I and II)

Gave up an immunity necklace and got voted out of the game just because some girls asked him to. Then in his later season found an immunity idol and immediately handed it to Andrea, who didn’t even ask him to. Also in his second season, refused to strategize at all and just wanted to be told the name to vote for. Erik really wasn’t playing the game of Survivor at all. Only his considerable ability in challenges keeps him out of the bottom five.

Jonny Fairplay (Micronesia)

Announced on the first episode that he missed his girlfriend and wanted to be voted out. Very lame indeed. But I still give him credit for doing well in his first season, Pearl Islands.

Keith (San Juan del Sur and Cambodia)

Keith was darn good in challenges, especially for an older guy, but he gets mention here for being perhaps the worst strategist in the history of the game. Exclaiming “stick to the plan” when he was supposed to pretend like he had no allies was perhaps his lowest point. But declining to even try to use Kelley Wentworth’s convincing fake idol when he had absolutely no chance to stay in the game other than trying that comes very close.

Max (Worlds Apart)

In fairness, he’s nowhere near as bad as most of the players listed here. But he’s more disappointing than any of them. When it was announced that he was a Survivor expert who even teaches a class on the show, I was hoping he would use that knowledge to combine all the best traits of all the best players. Instead, all he did was make lame references to prior seasons at every opportunity.

Na’Onka (Survivor Nicaragua)

Quit very late in the game, to the chagrin of her ally Sash. Also infamous for general bad attitude, and also for pushing a crippled girl! And this woman is a teacher! Frankly it’s tough to leave Na’Onka out of my bottom five. But this is not a ranking of the most annoying contestants in Survivor history, but of the worst.

Osten (Pearl Islands)

Very athletic-looking guy who was terrible in challenges, and also quit the game. I believe he was the first person ever to quit.

Rick (South Pacific)

The cowboy hat-wearer never said or did anything the whole time he played. The fact that he low-keyed his way into fifth place keeps him out of the bottom five.

Scout (Vanuatu)

Mellow to the point of almost not playing at all, and a horrible challenge competitor. At least she rode a strong alliance with Twila into third place, and out of my bottom five.

Wanda (Palau)

Is known for only one thing, singing a Survivor song on the first episode that she had composed herself. Also on that first episode, the tribes were picked schoolyard-style and that season’s twist would be that the last two people would not be on a tribe, and be instantly eliminated. Wanda was one of them. If she’d only hung on for one episode more she might have shown enough to be in my bottom five, alas the sample size was just too small.

And now it’s time for the bottom five.

#5 Zane (Survivor Philippines)

Misdeeds: On the very first episode he didn’t do well on the challenge and he asked his tribe to send him home. Then later in the episode, he claimed this was strategy! By the way, he’s memorable for his many tattoos as well as his profession: tire repair specialist. He also thought it was a good idea to wait to quit smoking until his first day on Survivor.

Why he’s not ranked lower: At least he was a memorable character, unlike…

#4 “Purple Kelly” (Nicaragua)

Misdeeds: Nonentity for her season, with arguably the least camera time of any player ever. That in itself isn’t so bad, but then she quit 28 days in, when there were only eight people left in the game! And her ally Sash was pretty much screwed as a result.

Why she’s not ranked lower: Doing nothing is not as bad as doing lots of bad things, a case in point being…

#3 J’Tia (Cagayan, aka Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty)

Misdeeds: Panicked in every challenge, costing her “Brains” tribe more than one challenge. When she thought it was likely she’d be voted out, she dumped out all of her tribe’s rice. Then when she wasn’t voted out, she complained about there not being any rice!

Why she’s not ranked lower: Actually seemed like a nice enough person, unlike…

#2 Shamar ( Caramoan)

Misdeeds: Ex-Marine who was incredibly lazy and also psycho. Stuck around longer than he should have because some on his tribe thought he’d be a great choice to take to the finals because everybody hates him. At one point announced that others should get him food. Then quit the game claiming injury from “a grain of sand scratching his eye.”

Why he’s not ranked even lower: He was OK in challenges, and someone else was even more annoying, namely…

#1 Janu (Palau)

Misdeeds: Being incredibly annoying and quitting while not really wanting to admit she was quitting. Plus, since she made the jury we had to see even more of her at tribal council. Though this did lead to a semi-classic moment at the final tribal council when Katie told Janu flat-out she wasn’t going to answer her stupid questions. I can’t really say why Janu is more annoying than the odious Shamar. She just is.

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4 Responses to “The Worst Survivor Players of All Time: My Ranking”

  1. pipkin42 September 24, 2017 at 5:57 pm #

    No Shambo?

    • bbachelorblog September 27, 2017 at 5:09 am #

      Shambo (Samoa) definitely had her shortcomings, but to me she’s an all-star compared to the J’Tias and Purple Kellys of the world!

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