Archive | January, 2015

The Bachelor: Chris Soules’ Season in Review (So Far)

29 Jan

Four episodes in, it’s time to take stock of the ongoing season, contestant by contestant. Let’s start with the ones who are no longer around.

Alissa: A sweet little airline stewardess who gamely did a fake onboard “safety briefing” on the first episode. When she watched the broadcast of that, she was probably mortified.

Amanda: Mostly memorable for having strangely huge eyes. Her limo shtick was to make the limo driver give Chris a note telling him to turn around, and refusing to let him see her until they were inside the house later. She is from Lake in the Hills, IL which she told the Bachelor is “super-north” of Chicago.

Ashley S.: An insane blonde who sort of looks like Courtney Thorne-Smith. It’s hard to pick her low point, but it was probably on a group date that involved playing paintball against fake zombies. Ashley kept saying “Mesa Verde” and somehow managed to make that sound creepy. Her specialty was stringing together sentences that didn’t make any sense. Either she’s mentally ill or it was all just an act, probably the latter.

Amber: The one black (presumably?) contestant, she only made it a couple of episodes.

Bo: A plus-size model who was ousted the first week.

Brittany: Her job is “WWE diva-in-training.” When did being a diva become something positive? Her limo gimmick involved a sign with the hashtag “#soulesmates.” Groan.

Jillian: An energetic type who is into bodybuilding, she had a de facto one-on-one date when she won a group competition, but spoiled the mood by being uncouth and talking about herself all the time. Also see the note on her under Jordan. Any time Jillian turned her back to the camera, a black box was superimposed on her rear end by the producers, presumably because of thongs that just left too little to the imagination. A note about female bodybuilders: I’m sure there are men out there who find them attractive…. but very, very, very few.

Jordan: Student from Colorado who was drunk much of the time. Her most memorable moment was her comment, “Jillian has the hairiest ass I’ve ever seen on a woman.” When a producer asked if she was referring to “peach fuzz,” she stressed that she didn’t mean that: “This is, like, hair inside your ass.”

Juelia: A gorgeous esthetician from Portland. I had never heard of that job, but apparently it means a beautician whose specialty is the skin. Her deep dark secret was that she has a child and is widowed, and that her husband committed suicide. When Chris let her go in Episode 4 he even walked her out, unusual for that early in the season.

Kara: A “25-year-old” from Kentucky. I just cramped my fingers making air quotes as I typed.

Kimberly: A brunette yoga instructor who was eliminated on the first episode but turned around and went back into the room, and actually convinced Chris to keep her around another week. And it was only one more week.

Michelle: A stunning wedding cake decorator from Utah. She probably can’t walk to the mailbox without being hit on.

Nicole: Realtor from Scottsdale. If she got any camera time at all, I missed it.

Nikki: Brunette ex-New York Jets cheerleader who looks like she works out a lot, but in a good way (unlike Jillian). On the first episode she bragged that she had just come from Peru. Other than that, her personality seemed low-key, and home she went in Week 4.

Reegan: Her job involves cadavers, and her limo gimmick was to pull out a fake bloody heart. Also, who wants to date someone with the same name as the girl on “The Exorcist”?

Tandra: An executive assistant from Utah. She made no impression in her two episodes (on Chris or me).

Tara: A 5-foot-10 “sport fishing enthusiast” from Fort Lauderdale. Her talent, according to her, is that she can look great in jeans but also sport high heels with the best of them. I’ve never heard that one before … except in every match.com profile ever.¬† She got so sloshed on the first episode it looked like she wouldn’t be able to stand up through the whole rose ceremony. Asked in her questionnaire about the most outrageous thing she had ever done, she wrote, “I went to a different country using my identical twins’ (sic) I.D. and passport.” If her twin is identical, this doesn’t sound like that much of an accomplishment, really.

Tracy: Elementary school teacher from Florida. See Tandra.

Trina: Special Ed teacher from California. See Tandra.

Now for the eleven ladies who are still left in the season.

Ashley I: She mentions incessantly that she is a virgin and has never had a boyfriend. So many times that this topic surely adds up to an hour of the eight hours of show we’ve had so far. When she doesn’t get the “Cinderella” date she goes on and on about how she sees herself as a princess. Ashley has zero chance to make it to the end. It’s impossible to imagine her moving in with Chris on his farm in Iowa.

Becca: She’s a virgin too, the difference is that she only mentions it one time. Becca is neither spectacular-looking nor does she have any crazy personality trait. She just seems normal, which to me means she has a chance to win.

Britt: Wears less makeup than Tammy Bakker. But only slightly. I don’t see the appeal, but Chris seems to have a connection with her until Episode 4 when she annoys him by asking insecure questions about other women.

Carly: Won a goat-milking contest despite having to face off against Jillian who competed with the ruthlessness of the Terminator. Here’s a fact that has not been mentioned on the air yet: it seems Carly is the younger sister of Zak Waddell who was one of the final few contestants on Desiree’s season of the Bachelor. Zak was the wild-eyed guy who whipped his shirt off at every opportunity. Carly is a cruise ship singer, and her limo gimmick was to sing to Chris using a karaoke machine. Quite a sweetheart, or at least that’s the only side we have seen so far.

¬†Jade: Definitely one of the favorites to win. After not getting much face time with Chris early, she did get a tour of his pad during the pool party, and then in a later episode Chris’ sisters chose her to go on a one-on-one date with Chris. She’s originally from Nebraska so it isn’t too much of a stretch to envision her living in Iowa.

Kaitlyn: Her limo gimmick was to tell Chris: “I know you are a farmer. And you can plow the f*** out of my field any day.” She is a goofy Canadian who’s the type that’s a bit too “one of the guys” for my taste. Chris seems to dig her though.

Kelsey: One of two widows on the show. She seemed refreshingly normal until Episode 4 but some prickly aspects of her personality have begun to emerge. One of the group dates involved going to a lake, and she sniffed that Michigan lakes are much better. Nobody from Minnesota was around to try and one-up her.

Mackenzie: This dental assistant from Washington is 21 but acts more like 16. Just not what a man in his 30s is looking for, in any respect. When she heard about Ashley I. being a virgin she told Ashley this was a huge advantage, noting “Guys like taking your virginity.”

Megan: I have no idea if her spectacular chest is why Chris is keeping her around, but at worst it is doing no harm to her candidacy.

Samantha: So far she has the Bachelor record for least camera time, averaging around five seconds per two-hour episode. So she’s evidently not particularly quotable, but she was a contestant in the Miss Indiana pageant. I’m sure the Indiana-to-Iowa adjustment would be doable.

Whitney: Fertility nurse from Chicago who certainly seems like a nice person, but her squeaky voice is her Achilles heel.

Final Four prediction: For now, I will go with Becca, Jade, Kaitlyn and Kelsey.