Tag Archives: Bachelorette: Emily’s Season

The most unkindest cut of all: I cancel my Tivo season pass for The Bachelorette (6/11/2012)

12 Jun

Haven’t we all been waiting for a fresh perspective on London, getting past the Beefeaters, double-decker buses, and the Tower Bridge? Well, after this episode of the Bachelorette, we’re still waiting. The bros first meet Chris Harrison at the fresh location known as Trafalgar Square (groan), and not one London cliche fails to be trotted out.

A date card for the group date comes with the phrase “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” and Alejandro the mushroom farmer is the only one of the guys who recognizes it as a Shakespeare quote… uh-oh. It’s telling that Alejandro ‘is the guy selected to leave at the end of the show! Of course, the fact that these meatheads know nothing about Shakespeare makes their task of performing scenes by the Bard somewhat funny. And Arie adds the memorable line “I’m not a Thesbian (sic).”

We also got to see Kalon’s much-hyped “baggage” comment, though edited together quite differently than it was on the promos. So he’s out… but I’m afraid what little entertainment value the season had got into that taxi with him.

Emily is probably a good person and I hope she finds the right guy… but watching her go about it is just not interesting to watch. So the season pass just got canceled.

Sorry Emily, I realized I can’t commit… to two hours every Monday.

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“You’re outta here”: The Bachelorette 5/28/2012

29 May

We begin this episode with the guys gathering in the courtyard to… have the rules of the game explained to them for the second week in a row. Here’s an unwritten rule someone should have explained: if you’re going to stand around in a tight white T-shirt, you cannot have any trace of “man-boob.” Some of the bros did not get that memo.

The first date goes to Chris, and clearly Emily is feelin’ it. Possibly they are hitting it off because they’re both boring.

On to the group date, which actually turned out to be way more entertaining than it sounded: Emily’s friends, mothers one and all, interview the guys and report back to Emily. The two brunettes are nice, the Indian lady hardly gets a word in, and the blonde is either a bitch, is campaigning for her own show, or both. Who provides the most entertainment? The blonde, natch.

The biggest highlight is this exchange:

Bitchy Blonde: “Have you ever cheated on a girl? Don’t lie.”

John aka Wolf: (Pauses for 4 seconds and then gulps) “No.”

Blonde: “You’re outta here.”

Stevie, the Jersey Shore-like Party MC, busts some moves for the girls (making it three out of three shows for that shtick). Also, the women grill Travis about his ostrich egg (which he inexplicably has again after not having it last episode, and which he ends up smashing later in the show). After all of the interrogations are over, Emily brings in a bunch of kids for the dudes to play around with while she powwows with her friends.

Ryan the ex- NFL Europe player can’t resist the chance to crash the party to get extra face time with Emily. I did feel a bit sorry for the guy — his date on the last episode consisted of bringing in groceries and cooking, then he had to talk to Emily’s friends and play with some kids this time, and he escaped that only to be confronted with the scenario “what if Emily gets fat in years to come.” I bet running cone drills for the football coach didn’t compare with navigating that minefield, huh bro?

Anyway, the friends seem to agree that Sean (blonde insurance guy from Dallas) or Doug (sometimes-indignant father) would be best for Emily, except for one of the brunettes who didn’t object to studly Ryan’s honesty and gave him the nod. The fact that Emily’s pals ordered Sean to take off his shirt only to find that he looks like Steve Rogers after drinking the super solider serum likely didn’t hurt his case.

Back to Doug: we find out that he’s had a rough life, with an epileptic father and a mother Doug has nothing good to say about. Meanwhile, Tony (the lumber trader from Oregon) agonizes about being away from his son and leaves the show. I hate to say it, but I didn’t see him and Emily hitting it off anyway.

The second individual date of the episode goes to Arie, and he and Emily end up flying to Tennessee and the Dollywood amusement park. Emily is shocked to see Dolly Parton herself walk in … and even Dolly points out that it shouldn’t come as that big of a shock to see Dolly Parton at an amusement park owned by Dolly Parton. Gosh I wish I were watching Dolly Parton in the movie “9 to 5” instead of this show.

Cocktail party time. Kalon gets his face time right at the start… is this guy wearing makeup? He gets Emily peeved with his line “I love it when you talk but I wish you’d let me finish.” Then comes Alessandro, the Brazilian grain merchant who has not gotten much face time this season. His talk of making a “compromise” if he gets with Emily has her peeved, which at first I blamed more on her … don’t couples always need to compromise in a relationship? She understands it more along the lines of: he’d be compromising his principles as a stud bachelor if he got with her. The additional outtakes after the credits would seem to indicate that the latter is in fact what he was saying, at any rate Emily sends him packing even before the rose ceremony. As Sean later finds out and tells the guys, Alessandro told Emily’s friends that he had cheated on an ex with a one-night stand… and as we later find out, Alessandro’s girlfriend was a (distant) cousin! Whether the cousin was the long-term gal or the one-nighter will forever remain ambiguous, I fear.

Emily’s all insulted about her whole interchange with Alessando, so Arie gives her something else to think about: his lips. Ryan sees the smoochfest and gets bent out of shape. “He’s more of a dainty man and I’m more of a physical guy,” Ryan fumes to the camera. Though it’s safe to say Arie is no wuss, seeing as how he’s a professional Indy car racer. You would think the son of a Dutch racing legend and a former Amsterdam Admirals player would have hit it off, discussing windmills, wooden shoes, tulips and such. Oh well.

With Alessandro and Tony gone, only one person needs to be cut, and that person is Jersey’s favorite Party MC, Stevie.

Dude, you and Emily?

Fuhgeddaboudit.

 

“Is there a ‘but’ coming in here?” The Bachelorette 5/21/2012

21 May

The quotation above was spoken by Joe, who heard Emily talk about what a great guy he was at the end of their one-on-one date, and correctly surmised that she was about to dump him. Indeed, Joe did not get a rose, as Emily sensed that he was not “the” guy. If she’s that honest with everyone this is going to be a fast season!

The episode begins with scenes of Charlotte, including a sign with many arrows showing the distances from Charlotte to various cities and states. The camera zooms in on the part that says “Texas 1,275 miles.” Hmm, Charlotte and Texas are pretty far apart … did anyone fail to get that Brad reference? If so, you need my “Symbolism 101” DVD set which I’m offering for just $79.99.

The first one-on-one date of the week is actually with Ryan, the former NFL Europe football player. When he hears that he’s the one chosen, he changes from a T-shirt into a … different T-shirt. Then, as Emily drives him to her house, Ryan says that “to be honest” he doesn’t care what they do on the date. Yeah, right. As it turns out, they bring in groceries and make cookies, which is just as fun to watch as it is to read about.

Meanwhile, the group date involves the bachelors performing with the Muppets in front of a crowd that, like so many Bachelor crowds, has not one man in it other than Chris Harrison. The “opening up” moment comes when Charlie is visibly nervous about having to do comedy. Anybody who saw William’s disastrous “Ashley… who gives a s**t” routine from the previous season should be! But instead it turns out Charlie has a bit of a speech impediment that he’s self-conscious about.

The only bachelors left at home (along with date returnee Ryan) are Arie Luyendyk Jr., Travis the ostrich egg guy (who does not have the egg with him… didn’t he just swear an oath to carry it around forever?), Joe who would get the boot later in the episode, and Sean the towheaded Dallas guy. Whether Sean has seen the Charlotte-Texas sign is unknown.

Let’s talk about Kalon, the designated villain of the season. I still haven’t seen him do anything bad, though his smirk would likely get on almost anyone’s nerves. Among the bros in the house, the fact that Kalon has a big vocabulary is seen as a personal affront for some reason. Stevie the New Jersey party MC has a bee in his bonnet about Kalon, but the latter just says “I wouldn’t like me either if I were you, bro.” I think Emily is more amused by Kalon than interested in him. It’s a long way to Kalon’s hometown of Houston, Texas… you sure you don’t want to buy my symbolism DVD?

Meanwhile Emily confronts Jef (“I Was A Teenage CEO”) about why he avoids talking to her or even making much eye contact with her. I’m not sure, but: could you picture Dolly Parton dating Anthony Michael Hall from the Breakfast Club? If not, you’ll have a hard time seeing Emily with Jef.

It’s time for the cocktail party, and Tony the lumber exec sees Ryan, who already has a rose, monopolizing Emily’s time. Tony heads over to cut in, but Ryan counters by whipping out a letter he wrote to Emily, which she proceeds to read out loud in its entirety as Tony waits in the wings. Oh yes, and it’s seven single-spaced pages, which is ever so slightly creepy after one single date. Shouldn’t the dudes me more annoyed by that than by Kalon who neatly articulates his feelings in brief, pithy sentences?

At the Rose Ceremony, two are given the boot: Aaron, the biology teacher whose glasses were just too darn gay-looking to overcome, and a nondescript guy named Kyle who I hadn’t even noticed was on the show.

By the way, a final note about Joe who didn’t get a rose on his date: Emily said “He reminds me of Matthew McConaughey,” who of course, hails from Central Texas. See above sign. Buy my DVD.

Bachelorette Season Premiere: I “put myself out there” for another season of recaps

14 May

Hmm, a mere 90-minute premiere? If memory serves the first episode of The Bachelor last season ran three hours!

I have a feeling there will be a lot of fast-forwarding this season, since Emily is a really boring person. So I decided to start the pilot by skipping right to the new contestants.

Notables include:

Kalon: He says his meeting with Emily “could be the first day of the rest of my life.” Uhhh, Kalon, it will definitely be that.

Kalon makes his grand entrance in … a helicopter! Dude, Emily was on the Bachelor, which means she’s logged more hours in a helicopter than some guys who were in ‘Nam. I don’t think she’ll be impressed.

Anyway, the luxury brand consultant seems to be the “designated villain” of the season, but I have yet to see Kalon do anything bad. That does not bode well for drama potential.

David: A songwriter who sings a song he just composed about Emily. It goes “Emily, Emily, Emily, uh-oh.” Shades of Wes and his favorite (and only) composition, “love… it don’t come ee-ZAY…”

Jef: His look and hairstyle are that of a 1950s teen idol. He’s CEO of some kind of water company. He’s from Utah. And makes his entrance into the show (and Emily’s heart) on a skateboard, as the producers add music that reminds me of the music in one of my favorite levels from Crash Bandicoot 2.

Tony: A single father, workout fiend and lumber trader from Oregon. His come-out-of-the-limo shtick involves a Cinderella slipper. He missed the golden opportunity to take this tack: “I trade in the finest quality lumber, but I’ve never gotten wood like I did when I saw you.” No charge for that line, Tony.

Randy: His shtick is a grandma outfit, in a parody of the girl in Ben’s season of the Bachelor who brought her mother with her.

Ryan: Ex-football player in the Arena League and with the Amsterdam Admirals. I have actually watched some Admirals games in my day, believe it or not.

Stevie: Besides being a professional Kalon-hater, he’s a party MC who busts some moves for Emily when he gets out of the limo. This MC is wack.

Wolf: A “data destruction specialist.” No, he did not offer to “erase any records of Brad in your brain.”

Michael: Long-haired rehab consultant from Austin. His bio reveals that he has no tattoos. Bro, I thought you were from Austin!

The first impression rose goes to Doug, who has kids of his own and bonds with Emily that way. BO-ring!

Given the ouster tonight by Emily are: the only black contestant; a 41-year-old guy from Midland who has 6 kids and 6 tattoos; the marine biologist (no, not George Costanza); a couple even more forgettable guys, plus Jackson the fitness model. As the credits rolled, Jackson said “She missed out on a great guy, and a great body too,” and took of his shirt to reveal a physique not seen outside of Men’s Health or Marvel Comics. You may be a wee bit too in love with yourself, homes.