Tag Archives: The Bachelorette: Desiree’s Season

The Men Tell Little: The Bachelorette July 22 2013 recap

23 Jul

It’s time for these confrontation-shy guys (yeah, right) to tell all in front of a studio audience. But first, Chris Harrison shows scenes of himself and Desiree crashing some Bachelorette-watching parties. Obviously ever girl in America wants to hug Desiree, and I have to say, seeing Des next to a bunch of regular Janes, you can understand why all of these guys are so gaga over her. But since Des can only cover part of the USA, we also see some New York viewing party-crashing ably handled by none other than Ashley and J.P. The new Mrs. Rosenbaum is all smiles and having a per-FACT time, and I have to admit J.P. is growing on me a bit.

I do ask myself how Harrison and Co. know where Bachelorette viewing parties are going on. The women at them are so well-dressed, and turning out in such numbers (a group of 30?) that I suspect some pre-arrangement is going on here. Shocking for reality TV, I know.

Before we get to the action, it’s time for Des to get some tips from her predecessors Ali, Ashley, and Emily (note to Desiree: only one of the three is still with the man she chose, so you might want to listen to her more than the others).

OK, time for a real man, a man’s man. No, not the idiots on this show, I mean Sonny Corinthos from General Hospital who has an entire 30-second commercial devoted to him. I love Sonny.

Finally Chris sits down with the eliminated contestants, including some very unfamiliar faces. I believe the only one missing is Brian, whom Chris chides for passing up the chance to be there. Hmm, how come Brian didn’t want to be ambushed on national television and called a despicable liar a second time, despite there being zero upside in doing so? Weird.

The most shocking revelation of the night comes from Dan, the beverage sales guy who looks like a young Jeff Probst. He mentions that the mother of Ben’s son approached Dan in Las Vegas with some revelations that Ben is not much of a father. Cue gasps and astonished looks from a crowd that, unusually, includes a few men and even a gray-haired granny type.

James and Mikey and their supposed “tall beautiful women with a lot of money” conversation is discussed ad nauseam, the one saving grace being that Drew is still a contestant on the show so only Kasey is on hand to provide sanctimonious blather.

Finally, Zak is up, and Desiree exchanges a few words with him. He wants closure, which is a terrible idea. Younger guys out there, listen up: don’t ask a woman for closure. What happened is that she either liked someone else more or just decided she didn’t like you. Making her spell it out will not make you feel better. Anyway, Zak whips out a guitar and sings a little song he wrote about the whole matter. One lone woman (in the audience of a thousand) cries, so the camera zooms in on her.

At the end, Harrison announces we are heading for the most emotionally intense finale… ever. So much so that they had to stretch it over not two but four hours. Groan.


Mico and the Man: The Bachelorette July 15 2013 recap

16 Jul

Unlike the producers of the Bachelorette I have a hard time creating drama where none exists, so this recap of the “hometown visits” episode will be very brief.

We begin with Zak, who we’ve heard all season is from Mico in the Texas Hill Country. Now they say his hometown is Dallas, some 300 miles away. Hmm. We find out that his family operates a Sno-Cone truck. Zak takes Desiree on an ice cream run and even puts on a costume, allowing her to deliver the classic line “that penguin is my boyfriend.”

On to Drew in Scottsdale, Arizona. There is a tender moment as we meet his sister who has special needs. Drew has obviously been through a lot in his day. Probably a good man, unfortunately not an entertaining man to watch. By the way I’ve noticed it’s always the sisters of the guys who like to hog all of the attention at these events. Probably because all of them have watched every minute of every Bachelor episode since the beginning while the mothers, fathers, and brothers had never even heard of the show before.

Next up is Chris in McMinnville, Oregon. The lasting impression I will have from this visit is when his father, a chiropractor of some sort, has Chris lie down and then sprays something up his nose on national TV. Slightly creepy.

Finally, it’s on to Brooks and his clan’s fairly fabulous home in Utah. The house is more interesting than the family.

Now for the moment I’ve been waiting for all season: the meeting with her brother Nate, who pretty much ruined Desiree’s life and dashed her dreams when she brought Sean home to the family on The Bachelor. It turns out the two of them have not seen each other since that fateful day, and she doesn’t seem to be enjoying meeting him now. But she gamely runs down the list of her suitors while he gives her an ultra-skeptical look. Briefly things are looking up when he says he’d like to meet the guys, but then he clarifies “I’d like to get in their heads.” Later, when we see the guys arrive at the posh Beverly Hilton, there’s an ultra-creepy shot of Nate in the background observing them in stalker-like fashion.

At the rose ceremony, alas it’s Zak who didn’t get the rose. Abs and Sno-Cones only get you so far. Also, before he gets in the limo she gives back a ring that she gave him. A few minutes later he orders the limo to pull over and chucks it out the window.





The prosecution rests: The Bachelorette July 8 2013 recap

8 Jul

When an episode begins with a look at highlights of the show you’re about to see, and they can’t put together 1 minute of interesting highlights of a 2-hour show, you know you’re in trouble. The guys who are left on this season, and the girl who’s the star of it, are just too boring!

Luckily, Desiree starts the episode by telling us via voiceover that she has “invited some girlfriends out to Madeira.” And lo and behold, those girlfriends are three former Bachelor contestants. First there’s Catherine, the freaky Filipina who is engaged to studly Sean from last season. Then there’s Lesley, the blonde from Arkansas via Washington D.C. who longtime readers of this blog know that I consider to be atom-smashingly hot. Lesley needs her own show, if not her own channel. Her one weakness is that she’s perhaps a bit too in love with her designated “enigmatic” facial expression that she loves to put on. And last and definitely least, we have Jackie, the redhead whose impact on “The Bachelor” was minimal at best. I barely even saw fit to mention her on this blog, which clinches it!

So what will happen when these four hotties meet? Well, after looking at their midriffs, the one thing I can rule out is that the four of them will enjoy a meal together!

Desiree politely begins by asking for an update on how Catherine and Sean are doing… but frankly this seems to be a sore subject for Des to this day. Thankfully, they move on to Des running down the list of her current suitors, and the gals asking questions about which one has the best body, cutest eyes, etc. Near the end of the conversation the guys are sent out to frolic at a nearby pool while the women check them out via binoculars and ask further questions of Desiree. I protest this objectification of men!

Oh, before I forget: Desiree’s description of Drew is “the sweetest person you’ll ever meet.” Now, there was a time when I was young and foolish when I would have taken that remark to mean that Drew has the best shot with her. Of course, being older and wiser I now know it means Drew has no shot with her.

Two hours of boredom ensue, so let’s fast-forward to the rose ceremony. It was pretty obvious that one of the two crazy-eyed guys would be sent home: Michael the prosecutor or Zak the Central Texas wacko. Turns out it’s Michael, and he’s crushed. Desiree tries to comfort him, but her comforting words are “we have a great foundation of friendship.” Ouch. And then we have what may be a Bachelorette first: Michael whips out his cell phone and calls his mother right from the limo! Way to confirm Desiree’s choice, dude.

When I saw him whip out the phone I was half-expecting to hear, “Hey, James and Mikey? Michael here. Ummm, maybe I was a little harsh with my scathing comments the other day. Er, if you guys still ‘run Chicago,’ any chance I could, um, drop by and party with those tall, beautiful women you were talking about?”

Finally we see the preview for next week. Boring-boring-boring until we see that the moment I’ve been praying for is at hand: Desiree’s jerky brother is back! I can’t wait.

Tapas and tattling: The Bachelorette July 1 2013 recap

1 Jul

Dateline: Barcelona! And the hunks are ready to enjoy it to the fullest, which they prove by trying out their Spanish phrases. I don’t believe I heard any Catalan mixed in there… but anyone who’s that much of an egghead would be a bad fit for Desiree anyway. Chris Harrison greets the bros, and after running down all the rules of the game yet again (hey, they have two hours to fill) he apprises the guys that there will be no cocktail party before the rose ceremony this week. Perhaps all the best locations were already booked.

The first solo date goes to Drew, who settles in with Desiree at a cozy tapas bar and chooses to come clean about his alcoholic father. The night ends with a makeout session in an alleyway. What a lovely way to end the evening! Oh but wait, he’s not done… he has to tell Desiree about the  overheard conversation between James and Mikey that was discussed among the bros last week.

The group date involves playing soccer at an impressive stadium, though not the stadium of FC Barcelona. Was that booked too? Juan Pablo, former pro soccer player that he is, would seem to have the inside track. But then we find out there will be a game with the guys teaming up against Desiree and a team of professional women’s soccer players.

Now, let’s be honest. Almost any guy who fancies himself a jock either secretly believes he could beat female pro athletes at sporting events, or declares openly that he could beat female pro athletes at sporting events. However, at least the weekend-warrior basketball-playing dude who wants to think he would be MVP of the WNBA likely plays basketball every chance he gets, and is very familiar with the game. Here, a bunch of guys who probably haven’t kicked a ball in years claim to be confident they can beat female pros. They are proven wrong by a score of 10-2, and I’m pretty sure they showed every single goal, complete with James the goalie half-assing it and looking like a wimp. Seriously, even Sylvester Stallone in the movie Victory was a better goalie.

At the afterparty, Chris is one of the first to take Desiree aside. I named him my favorite to win last week, and I have to say the lovey-dovey talk between him and her is already semi-sickening. You can already picture them grocery-shopping together, considering each individual orange as a couple before placing it in the shopping cart.

Soon Kasey takes it upon himself to confront James about the now infamous conversation. Though oddly, the “tall, beautiful women with a lot of money” comment, previously attributed to James, is now ascribed to the since-voted-out Mikey by Kasey. James denies everything, and Michael the prosecutor can’t resist joining in on this confrontation. The most interesting part is when James turns on Michael and says that when Michael said [this is bleeped out] the previous night he made sure the cameras weren’t on. Now, the guys’ multiple confrontations with James, and Desiree’s conversations with him about them, take up a good part of the show, but quickly become tiresome. The guys just can’t handle the idea that James was considering what would happen if Des didn’t choose him, despite the fact that his chances of being chosen were only about 10%.

Somehow amid the drama Des finds time to go on a date with Zak, the Mico, TX guy who spent the first episode without a shirt. Here, they go to a life-drawing class and the mischievous fellow decides to cap it off by doing a bit of posing of his own, wearing only boxer briefs. Just in case Des had forgotten about his abs in the meantime.

At the rose ceremony, I really thought the last rose would go to James but it went to the prosecutor, Michael. Sent home is not only James, but also the soccer-playing Latin Juan Pablo. And Kasey the social-media expert is “defriended” as well.

That leaves us with five fairly boring guys and a fairly boring girl. Bummer.

Cross exami-dating: The Bachelorette June 24 2013 recap

25 Jun

It’s the 100th post for this blog, and time to take this season of The Bachelorette overseas. The show begins with the hunks disembarking from the Munich subway at the historic Odeonsplatz. Is one of them planning a Beer Hall Putsch… of love?

Before we can get to that, the bros need to look around the city a bit. And much like the visit to Switzerland in a previous Bachelor or Bachelorette, only approximately 1/5 of the usual amount of people are milling about. Where is Munich’s population?

Well, Bryden the ex-GI is not worrying about that. Rather, he realizes that he’s just not feelin’ it with Des. Remember, while in the real world it’s considered good to be honest with someone that a relationship isn’t working out, in the Bachelor world this is a high crime that outrages one and all. Anyway, Bryden doesn’t want to wait to say his goodbyes, and the fact that Des is on a date with mortgage broker Chris is no hindrance. His plan to track the gal down is to simply walk around Munich asking if anyone has seen TV cameras until he finds her. Bryden may not be the sharpest knife in the utility belt.

After he breaks the news to Des, she cries. And no doubt so do the producers who realize they just wasted a round-trip plane ticket to Europe on the guy.

Meanwhile, the other bros are at the swanky hotel Vier Jahreszeiten, and they’re discussing the pros and cons of one-on-one dates, group dates, and the annual two-on-one which Harrison has announced will be this week. Now, the bros are game to discuss anything, and the producers are game to show anything the bros discuss to help kill two hours, no matter how obvious the subject matter is. If someone asked the bros what they thought about shoes, one would say “Shoes are huge if you want to walk on gravel without hurting your feet,” while another would add “If you don’t have shoes in winter, your feet will be seriously cold.”

On the group date, the guys head for the mountain known as the Zugspitze. They learn how to yodel, and the guys also learn that Desiree has the hots for James, whom she joined on a one-on-one date last week. However, Brooks, the tall guy with a wimpy beard, gets the rose.

Time for the two-on-one. It’s Michael, the lawyer from Florida, vs. this season’s designated villain, Ben the bar owner from Dallas. Michael declares “Ben will be found guilty of fraud and impersonation of a Southern gentleman.” They head for the lovely lake known as the Tegernsee, and Desiree has an interesting contraption known as the “hot tug” — a hot tub that you can steer across the water like a boat. It sounds like something Cosmo Kramer would come up with, but it works. The trio’s bodies are comfy, but the atmosphere is anything but: Michael talks about how tough it was to be a little boy whose father was away a lot, an unmistakable dig at Ben who has been playing up his single fatherhood yet had no problem leaving little Mr. Perfect for months to go on this show.

Meanwhile we cut back to the hotel, as a couple of the guys tell the others what they overheard on the van ride back after the group date (the Zugspitze is about a two-hour drive from Munich so they would’ve had plenty of time to talk). Supposedly James told Mikey that he already “runs Chicago” now, but that after being on this show “I can introduce you to tall, good-looking women that have a lot of money.” (I think most guys would settle for “short, good-looking and only one maxed-out credit card”.) Anyway the clear implication is that James is only on the show to be a star and possibly the next Bachelor.

But back to the 2-on-one date. Michael is dead set on making Des realize that Ben is a jerk. And I have no doubt he is. Alas, Michael’s plan to expose Ben involves Michael being an even bigger jerk. Ben proclaims that when he’s married he wants the whole family to be together and go to church every Sunday, and that’s just the opening Michael the lawyer needed. He points out that it was just Easter a couple of days before, and every one of the guys except Ben went to church… including the Jewish guy (perhaps he converted to Christianity on the spot)! And by the way, Ben, Mr. Family and Church Are Everything, made no effort to talk to his son on Easter. Perry Mason never made such compelling arguments, however they were out of place at a pseudo-friendly dinner and Des is P.O.’d. She doesn’t have chemistry with either one of them, but less with Ben than Michael, so she sends Ben home, and Ben’s reaction makes him look ever so slightly psycho.

At the end of the episode, a couple of guys decide it’s time to do a little J’accuse on James for the “tall, good-looking women” business, and the previews last week made clear that this would happen. Well, they lied.  Desiree tells Chris Harrison she has already made up her mind on whom to sent home, and it’s Mikey the plumbing contractor. I guess he now gets first crack at going home and “running” Chicago.

Six episodes in, I guess it’s time I made some kind of prediction, but the best I can do is break the remaining eight guys into three groups.


Drew: Earnest guy, probably a good guy, but I don’t see the chemistry.

Michael: His cross-examining is just too much. No chemistry here either.

Zak: He has a wild-eyed expression no matter what the situation. Not good for romance.


Brooks: The ugliest guy on the show by a wide margin, but Des seems to like his sense of humor.

Kasey: The social media specialist. Will Desiree “like” him, or will the hashtagger make a hash of it?


James: The other guys think he’s insincere, and he probably is, but Desiree does have the hots for him.

Juan Pablo: We have learned nothing except that Desiree loves his accent. He has probably made love to every woman on the show’s crew six weeks in.

Chris: I have to say I think the mortgage broker might be “a-loan” at the top when all is said and done.

“We cry inside”: The Bachelorette June 17 2013 recap

18 Jun

There are “only” 13 guys left on the show. And as Chris Harrison, who’s never too proud to state the obvious, notes, they are “the thirteen that Des hopefully sees a future with.”

Both Desiree and the guys are off to Atlantic City, and the bros take up residence on the 44th floor of a spectacular hotel that looks like a Bond villain’s HQ.

The first solo date is with Brad, a cartoonishly square-jawed fellow from Denver who hasn’t been seen much on the show thus far. In his questionnaire he says “I can’t remember the last time a read a book.” Stay away from that type, girlfriend!

Brad and Desiree go on some rides on the boardwalk, including something called the Slingshot that I would not go on for less than $50,000. Scary! At the end of dinner, they take the winding stairs to the top of a lighthouse. Two seconds after getting to the top, Desiree tells Brad she doesn’t see a future with the two of them. She’s obviously quite experienced at this, and I’m sure he wonders why she couldn’t have just told him this at the bottom of that long staircase. Also, there’s no limo for him, not even an SUV, just a very “The Apprentice”-like yellow cab. Jersey, you know?

The next date is a group date featuring everyone except James and the just-ousted Brad. Though none of the hunks have a jacket on, it’s obviously absolutely freezing on the boardwalk, and the guys are soon ushered indoors where they find out they’ll be competing in a “Mr. America” competition, and in fact the reigning Miss America is there to help, wearing her crown no less. I don’t know if this is a sign of the coming Apocalypse or what, but Miss America is only about an 8 out of 10 in the looks department. What has the world come to?

One positive note to counteract that downer: somehow a show involving Atlantic City and Miss America did not feature an appearance by, or even one single mention of, Donald Trump. Amazing!

The guys’ personal pageant coach shows up… and let’s just say even Saturday Night Live’s “Girl with no gaydar” character would be onto this particular fellow. While he sort of coaches the guys, we find out that Juan Pablo the Latin stud can twirl a baton (?). Then they wheel out a rack with the bathing suits the guys have to wear for the swimsuit competition. If you guessed that means some of the guys have to wear Speedos, you have obviously seen a reality show in the last 10 years. Congrats.

Time for the competition in front of an audience of thous… er, hundr…. OK, tens of people. Plus an ultra-dark background to try and suggest the crowd is way bigger. The most notable moments are Mikey the thick-necked fellow (who’s not from New Jersey but looks like he is) saying that women think men are just about looks. “We cry inside,” Mikey notes. Also, Zak from the Texas Hill Country whips out a guitar and sings a tune reminiscent of Wes from a bygone season and “Love, It Don’t Come Easy”. The winner of the pageant is Kasey the social media guy, but he doesn’t automatically get the rose for doing so. Hashtag raw deal!

The show tries to squeeze much drama out of Ben the designated “villain,” but I don’t care what Desiree’s soundbite said, her body language says she is not into him. So his “threat” is minimal.

The other solo date goes to James, a tall dark and handsome type who is “a senior sales executive for the 5th fast [sic] growing marketing publisher in the U.S.” Their date ends up being a helicopter tour of the devastation wrought by Hurricane Sandy along the Jersey Shore, led by a lady from the Red Cross. James pays rapt attention to everything including a tour of an older couple’s wrecked home. When Desiree announces she wants to give their fancy date to the couple while she and James have a piece of pizza at a dive bar, he couldn’t be cooler with it.

So dads of America, ready to send a pic of your daughter to this dream son-in-law? Not so fast. For one thing, the “coming soon” previews indicate he’s going to get exposed for being on the show for the wrong reasons. For another, he tells Des that his longest relationship ran aground because he cheated on his girlfriend when he was a freshman in college. Frankly I don’t see too much chemistry between him and Desiree.

So who is the favorite this season anyway? That’s a darn good question.

We do know the winner will not be book publisher Zack K., who gets no rose and is sent home.

“I have some bizarre news”: The Bachelorette Episode 3 recap

12 Jun

Notes from a fast-forward viewing of this one:

Desiree takes a bunch of the guys on a dodgeball group date. Now, I’m not sure if dodgeball is always played wearing 1970s-style striped tube socks pulled all the way over the calves, crotch-hugging shorts, tank tops, and Loverboy headbands. But that’s how they outfitted the guys this time. The team in blue wins the first round, causing Desiree to give the red team a pep talk. Ever the strategist, she coaches them up as follows: “Whatever you’re doing… it’s not working.”

The blue team wins the game (the stakes being an evening with Des for the winners), and Des promptly announces she’s decided both teams will spend the evening with her. When something similar happened on the last season of The Bachelor, incredible cattiness broke out among the women, but here the bros are cool with it. That evening the rose goes to Chris, a tall fellow who lacks the cartoonish physique of some of the others but proved to be quite the ace dodgeball player.

The next day, Des is lounging around her airy home wearing flesh-colored tights. I mention the latter because I have observed from this comic that wearing flesh-colored pants can make one appear to be wearing no pants at first glance. Anyway, Chris Harrison calls and says he has bizarre news, which usually means he has discovered that a contestant has a girlfriend back home. Sure enough, that’s the case here, so Desiree runs a little entrapment sting by taking Brian outside and asking him about past relationships. No sooner has he said that his last relationship is done with than Chris ushers in Brian’s (ex-?) girlfriend. She goes on a tirade in which she calls Brian a coward, a pig, and a jerk, among other things. She claims he left to do the show telling her he was going to a business meeting (doesn’t shooting the show last for weeks or months?). Chris moderates, being his usual sanctimonious self. It’s not clear what exactly Brian is guilty of, but he does seem to be guilty of lying to someone about something, and in the Bachelor court of law that’s all the due process that Harrison needs to send someone packing.

These moments are strange. I wonder why these maybe-jilted women don’t just tell the guy in question never to call them again (or even tell him he’s a jerk, off-camera). Instead they feel the need to go on national TV and become famous for going on an ugly rant.

Anyway, this fairly fake moment is followed by a genuinely touching moment, as Brandon, an outdoorsy fellow with a Minnesota accent, hears that Brian’s ex-girlfriend is a single mother. Brandon talks about growing up without a father and becoming attached to his mother’s boyfriends as father figures, only to be crushed when they would suddenly be gone. Definitely one of the most sincere moments I can remember seeing on this show.

Immediately after all of the drama with Brian, Des goes on a date with Kasey, the social media worker who thankfully has dropped his “hashtag” shtick from the first episode. And no, despite the “Kasey with a K” this guy is nothing like Kasey the “guard and protect your heart” guy whose singing was one of the most cringeworthy moments in the show’s history.

Most of the rest of the episode’s drama comes from the guys being annoyed by Ben as he continues to try and sneak in extra time with Desiree.

Ousted this week are two guys (besides the prematurely booted Brian). One is Dan who I hadn’t even noticed at all except to observe that his job is listed as Beverage Sales Manager, which seems to be a really common occupation among contestants on this show. Is this their way of saying “bartender”? Also booted is Brandon, the sincere guy mentioned above, and he’s absolutely crushed. Don’t take it so hard, bro. Chicks just don’t dig a guy who sounds like he’s part of the cast of “Fargo.” But you’re OK in my book.