Archive | June, 2012

“I’m street smart, not common sense smart.” Glass House Episodes 1 and 2

26 Jun

Glass House is basically Big Brother with a nicer house and better production values. Also, the casting resulted in a disproportionate amount of women whose boobs are not just big, but almost comically enormous. I’m sure that was a coincidence.

One knucklehead  (the author of the quote above), has already quit.

Another even bigger knucklehead has gotten voted out, but not before unsuccessfully trying to coin a new catchphrase in “baby-back bitch.”

Let’s look at who’s left:

Mike: A 48-year-old …. Bar Mitzvah DJ from Boston? Well, I guess St. Patrick’s Day DJs would only work one day a year, whereas there are bar mitzvahs year round. Good career move.

Gene: A 6’7″ 300-pound-plus black stuntman. Which action stars he plausibly doubles for is unclear.

Holly: Doesn’t appear in the cast photo so was evidently a last-minute replacement for the blonde who is shown there. Made an elimination vote that made no sense in the first episode, then compounded that error by confessing it. Then the housemates were able to determine she was lying about being an art history major after she could not name one artist. Her backup lie, that she was a psychology major, was exposed when she was asked to name a single psychologist and said Dr. Phil. On the plus side, she’s hot and looks like a girl who once hit on me.

Ashley: Thus far we know she’s from New Orleans and that’s about it.

Robin: An Ariana Huffington lookalike who says she’s 43 and probably is, though Holly described her as “60, maybe late 50s.” Her art history question to Holly was “who painted the Sixteenth Chapel.” I’m sure Ariana Huffington was aghast at that.

Joy: A nurse who mentions at every opportunity that she has posed for Playboy, and mentions she’s a nymphomaniac almost as often. In other words a reality show producer’s dream.

Jeffrey: If you want to see stereotypes about gay guys demolished, do not watch Jeffrey.

Erica: Mouthy cocktail waitress from Denver.

Apollo: Self-proclaimed poet who resembles Ali G. Announced that he would make his elimination choices by randomly drawing a playing card, but appears ready to ditch that shtick after one round.

Stephanie: Mensa member and scientist who alas was not in on the “Sixteenth Chapel” conversation.

Andrea: Pretty Mormon who’s more the quiet type. Not proving to be reality show gold so far.

Kevin: Cop from Ohio.

This show has the potential to be more fun than a Boston Bar Mitzvah!



Bachelor Pad Cast Announced!

18 Jun

With a heavy heart I had canceled my season pass to Emily’s boring season of the Bachelorette. But I had forgotten all about the impending season of Bachelor Pad! Let’s break down the newly announced cast!

The headliner of the group is surely Kalon, the metrosexual SMU alumnus famous for his line “I love it when you talk but I wish you’d let me finish.” Yesss!!!! Entertainment is almost guaranteed here. Can’t wait.

Also on hand:

Michael Stagliano…. what the? Has this guy not been dragged through the dirt enough? Last season he was joined by Holly, the ex-fiancee Michael had initiated a breakup with. He was very possessive of her and made it clear he still had strong feelings for her, though it was obvious to everyone but him that she was no longer really into it. Michael was the winner of the season, but at the reunion show Holly broke the news to him that she was engaged to Blake, the douchey dentist who was a quasi-villain. I’m not sure what indignities are left to heap on the dude, but I guess we’ll find out.

Ryan Hoag : His biggest claim to fame is that the last person picked in the 2003 NFL draft, earning him the title of Mr. Irrelevant! Unfortunately, this was almost a decade before that title led to an automatic lay. Bachelor Pad should make up for that.

Nick Peterson (“Bachelorette” season 7, Ashley Hebert): Bleach-blonde personal trainer with a soul patch, best remembered for being majorly ripped.

Tony Pieper (“Bachelorette” season 8, Emily Maynard): Another “what the…” choice. This was the lumber trader and single father from Oregon who was so guilty about being away from his son that he left the Bachelorette. So why is he doing an even more ridiculous show? By the way, this dude is ripped too. Do you see a trend here?

Ed Swiderski (“Bachelorette” season 5, Jillian Harris). W-wait… he was the winner of the Bachelorette, how come he didn’t live happily ever after? Just kidding.

Reid Rosenthal (“Bachelorette” season 5, Jillian Harris). Until recently he was dating Miss USA. Damn dude.

Lindzi Cox (“Bachelor” season 16, Ben Flajnik): Best remembered for coming to the Bachelor mansion on horseback as well as not knowing where her own parents were married. Also, when Ben invited her to spend a night in the fantasy suite she answered in the affirmative. That last thing is probably what caught the attention of the Bachelor Pad casting crew.

Blakely Jones (“Bachelor” season 16, Ben Flajnik): The VIP cocktail waitress who looked 10 years older than whatever age she was supposed to be. Other women love to make catty comments about her age and lack of virtue. You’ll recall Courtney the model’s line “Who knew hookers could play baseball” (or words to that effect). Who could have predicted Blakely would be on Bachelor Pad? Oh, that’s right, me, four months ago.

Sarah Newlon (“Bachelor” Season 11, Brad Womack). Hails from Brad’s first season… how ridiculous that they used the same guy for two seasons!

Jamie Otis (“Bachelor” Season 16, Ben Flajnik). Seemed like a sweetheart until her most infamous moment, the incredibly awkward climb onto Ben’s lap. If your inhibitions disappear when you have a couple of drinks in you, the folks from Bachelor Pad want to talk to you.

Erica Rose (“Bachelor” Season 9, Prince Lorenzo Borghese). Tired of women proposing sex in too-subtle or too-roundabout ways? Then Erica is the gal for you. She’s unrepentant about being a slut. On the weird side, she wears a tiara at every opportunity. Rumor has it that she and fellow Houstonite Kalon have known each other for a while. They are both TV gold.

Jaclyn Swartz (“Bachelor” Season 16, Ben Flajnik). My summary of her on her season was “Not cute and a BIG-time crier.” Apparently the latter outweighed the former in the minds of the producers.

Rachel Trueheart (“Bachelor” Season 16, Ben Flajnik). Beautiful, well-spoken and classy. Hmm, that last thing does not fit this group.

Mystery Man from Emily’s Season: Apparently one contestant from the ongoing season who has not yet been given the boot will be joining this cast. The heavy favorite in my book would be Ryan, the ex-football player who was not shy about saying he should be the next bachelor. Well, this is the next-best thing, bro.

The intrigues and hot hookups begin July 23rd.

The most unkindest cut of all: I cancel my Tivo season pass for The Bachelorette (6/11/2012)

12 Jun

Haven’t we all been waiting for a fresh perspective on London, getting past the Beefeaters, double-decker buses, and the Tower Bridge? Well, after this episode of the Bachelorette, we’re still waiting. The bros first meet Chris Harrison at the fresh location known as Trafalgar Square (groan), and not one London cliche fails to be trotted out.

A date card for the group date comes with the phrase “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” and Alejandro the mushroom farmer is the only one of the guys who recognizes it as a Shakespeare quote… uh-oh. It’s telling that Alejandro ‘is the guy selected to leave at the end of the show! Of course, the fact that these meatheads know nothing about Shakespeare makes their task of performing scenes by the Bard somewhat funny. And Arie adds the memorable line “I’m not a Thesbian (sic).”

We also got to see Kalon’s much-hyped “baggage” comment, though edited together quite differently than it was on the promos. So he’s out… but I’m afraid what little entertainment value the season had got into that taxi with him.

Emily is probably a good person and I hope she finds the right guy… but watching her go about it is just not interesting to watch. So the season pass just got canceled.

Sorry Emily, I realized I can’t commit… to two hours every Monday.

“I’m called to something bigger”: The Bachelorette 6/4/2012

5 Jun

The above quote came from Ryan… and what was he referring to exactly? I knew it wasn’t the priesthood. At first I thought he meant a stud such as himself was meant to be with an even better-looking woman than Emily. But it soon became clear that he meant… he thinks he should be the next Bachelor! This is supposed to cause great outrage, but I’m not feeling it. Better him than another season of Ben.

Having covered Ryan, here’s the rest of the bro-by-bro:

Alejandro: The mushroom farmer continued to be kept in the dark, as it were, about the state of Emily’s affections. And the viewers have not seen much of him either. Is he a fun guy or does he just grow fungi? I doubt he lasts past the next episode.

Arie: The race car driver might well have the — this is bad even for me — inside track.

Charlie: Cried… after losing the sailing challenge? Jeez, the guys on the last Bachelorette didn’t even cry after losing at boxing! He did not get a rose at the end, so to quote a commercial that came out before Emily was born, sorry Charlie.

Chris: What is this guy’s problem? He seems to have declared a lifelong vendetta against Doug because of Doug’s ultra-controversial statement that… 30-year-olds have more life experience than 25-year-olds. His other beef with Doug? “You’re over-the-top humble… that’s kind of something that pisses me off.”

Doug: Had this episode’s one-on-one date. By the way, remember when Kalon said that Doug had “put being a dad on hold,” and Doug took offense? Two episodes later, it’s Doug saying “I put my entire life on hold to come down here.”

Jef: The skateboardin’ 1950s teen idol got the rose after the group date, but Emily laments that he hasn’t made a move yet. Cut him some slack, by all appearances the kid is 14!

John and Nate: Would hate being mentioned together just as much as they hated their 2-on-1 date with Emily. John got the rose on this one.

Kalon: To the producers’ chagrin, he did not do anything villainous in this episode, and he seems to have toned down his metrosexuality some.

Michael: Which would come first, the longhair from Austin being booted from the show or getting some camera time? It was the former.

Sean: Seems to like working “I played D-one football” into many a sentence. Like I wouldn’t.

Travis: The ostrich egg is gone, but he’s still around.

I’m called to something bigger… going to sleep. Good night.