“It ain’t Survivor unless you’re lyin’.” Survivor: One World Episode 3

Troyzan’s line mentioned above is a classic.

I’m worried for the men’s tribe, as I’m still waiting for a strong player to emerge while the women have two for sure in Sabrina and Monica. I put Michael on my early favorites list last time, but we didn’t see much of him this episode, as once again the women and Colton got the lion’s share of the camera time.

Other observations:

– Bad-weather episodes usually make for good TV and this was no exception. My favorite part was the shot of a bat hanging upside down in the rain. I don’t know what makes me more unlikely to go to Samoa — the cold rain or the bats.

– For a while I thought Bill might have a shot to go far in the game as sort of a black version of goofball Jud “Fabio” Birza, but Bill doesn’t seem to be the low-key kind of goofball. Plus he is no Boston Rob in the puzzle-solving department. Anytime a Survivor contestant looks over to see how the other tribe is doing, he or she loses.

– Tom Selleck has a moustache again and thus the natural order of the world has been restored. However, he seems to be cast in roles lately where he broods a lot. He needs more lighthearted fare. (All of which is a comment on a commercial that aired during the show, in case you were wondering).

– Alas, we’ll never get to see where Matt might have ranked on the all-time Survivor villain list, as the grade-A douchebag was voted out. His bio lists him as an attorney, which was a great loss to the world of automobile sales.

– That brings me back to Michael who I mentioned earlier. He must be in serious panic right now, and not just because he lost his pec-alike pal Matt. The likes of a gay drama queen, black Fabio, and a midget lend diversity but are not the core of a tribe you’d feel confident will get you to the finals.  There are more chickens than roosters, to use Matt’s terminology.

Early favorites: Sabrina, Kim, Chelsea, Monica, Michael

No-chance list: Colton, Alicia.

The Bachelor: Ben’s wang goes 3 for 3

Well, I smugly posted last time that it was incredibly obvious that Ben’s surprise visitor would be Ashley. Oops, it was Kacie.

But we did see Ashley as she joined her predecessor Ali for an interlude in which they told Emily Maynard and her big forehead what to expect as the next Bachelorette. Then the three did what girls do to bond, which is to get in a shameless plug for the release of Titanic in 3-D. At least they got to see a certified hit — I can remember the Survivor: Nicaragua movie night where the featured entertainment was Gulliver’s Travels . The Jack Black version.

This is as good a time as any to note that I love Ali and can’t stand Emily. At first I thought I just won’t be able to watch Emily’s season. Now I’m thinking that maybe if I fast forward every time she mentions Ricky (the little girl or the dead boyfriend) I can get through it.

I will give Emily this: when Brad offered her the opportunity to hit the Fantasy Suite she politely demurred. And of course this episode was all about seeing who would use the key and who wouldn’t. Obviously Courtney was a lock to say yes, and my pre-show prediction was that Lindzi would say yes and Nikki would say no (this is before I noticed Nikki’s tramp-stamp tattoo mind you). Well, Ben went three for three.

The dates were all very boring (for us, not Ben, wink wink) with only the Swiss setting providing some entertainment. However, I was amused to see Ben get into an empty plane, walk through an airport without passing everyone, and be the only person in every train car he was in. In Europe! If Europe were really that sparsely populated, I would be living there now. Trust me, it’s not.

You know, to succeed in a relationship you need to have many qualities. You need to be able to cut it short if need be, but also to hold your lover under a magnifying glass. Sort of like the many tools in a Swiss army knife. Moving on from that lame analogy (though no lamer than the ones that made the show), let’s talk about Kacie. She needed answers after the fact on why Ben broke up with her, so she sought him out to get those answers. I think everyone has tried to have this conversation at some point. It has no chance of going well, does not bring the desired closure, and is sure to leave you feeling worse than before you had that talk. Poor Kacie, she is only 22 and doesn’t know these things.

Ben went on record saying “I see myself with her for the rest of my life” (talking about Lindzi now). But I have to say I don’t see the chemistry. So I will go on record as predicting pigeon-toed Courtney will beat her out.

But the girls who I was cheering for are now all gone. So from here on out, I am neutral. Just like you-know-what country.

Celebrity Apprentice premiere: Thank goodness I don’t wake up next to Debbie Gibson

Debbie Gibson used to be cute. And I do mean used to be. Not a well-preserved 41. I am reminded that I wanted her to be my girlfriend in 1987. It was “Only In My Dreams”.. thank God!

Other observations on the premiere:

– I wasn’t prepared to see Dee Snider with an ear to ear smile. Maybe he had just heard about the Tipper Gore divorce? (I don’t have a problem with Tipper Gore. Among other things she has aged way better than Debbie Gibson has).

– I had never heard of some of the “celebrities”on the show, including Dayana Mendoza, who dressed as if she was cast in Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love” video.

– Nor had I heard of Patricia Velasquez, who claims in passing that she was the first Latina model??? She looks like she’s about 40 — was no Latina ever photographed in a bathing suit prior to 1988?

– Still, many women can look great at 40. Just not Debbie Gibson.

– The key to winning the challenge was calling up a bunch of buddies who would contribute money out of their own pockets. Odd that on Celebrity Apprentice it’s the key to winning the show, while doing the same thing on the Apprentice gets you thrown off the show!

– Ivanka Trump is hot. Not because of her looks but because of her brain.

– Donald no longer does his “cobra-strike” motion when he’s firing someone, which used to be the best part.

I won’t be setting a Tivo Season Pass for this one.

 

 

 

Best Survivor Alliances Ever: My Ranking

[This has been edited to reflect the end results through Season 36.]

In the Tribal Council of Wednesday’s Episode 2 of Survivor One World, several members of the women’s tribe admitted that they wished they could go back and choose their alliances over again. If you’re in a bad alliance your chances to win the game are very poor.

All of this got me thinking about previous seasons: which have been the best alliances in the history of Survivor?

I quickly established ground rules.

–       The minimum prerequisite to be considered was all alliance members finishing in the top 4. Getting to the top 4 should be the goal of any alliance, and anyone who promises to take an ally to the finals is almost always lying. And rightly so – once you make the final immunity challenge, the alliance has served its purpose, and winning the game should be the only goal.

–       I didn’t consider any of the all-star seasons since pre-existing relationships factored into all of those. I know the Battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton, but I’d hate to think the seeds of a Survivor alliance had been sown at a TGI Friday’s months before the show.

–       Also, I ruled out any repeating players. Yes, Boston Rob formed a great group in Redemption Island but he had the advantage of competing for a fourth time.

–       An alliance formed early in the game has to withstand the most adversity, so I was most impressed by those.

On to the list.

#10 Yul, Ozzy, Sundra, and Becky (Cook Islands)

This group beat the odds with an amazing run.

Finish: Yul 1st, Ozzy 2nd, Becky 3rd at the finals, with Sundra finishing 4th as the last voted out.

Why They’re Not Higher: They weren’t an alliance from the beginning of the season unlike some ranked ahead of them.

 

#9 Kim, Chelsea, and Sabrina (One World)

This day-one alliance ended up as the game’s final three.

Finish: Kim 1st, Sabrina 2nd (getting two votes at the finals), Chelsea 3rd

Why They’re Not Higher: They were literally the only alliance in the game! Very weak competition that season.

#8 J.T. and Stephen (Tocantins)

The unlikely duo of the good ol’ boy and the Ivy Leaguer teamed up from the start of the game and made it all the way to the finals. They had help from Taj (4th place) for most of that time, but I didn’t include her as part of the alliance since she didn’t seem privy to the guys’ deliberations.

Finish: J.T. 1st, Stephen 2nd (not getting a single vote at the final two)

Why They’re Not Higher: J.T. shouldered much more of the burden in the social game (Stephen started at his feet in most of the group conversations). Then there’s the fact nobody ever even tried to take them out, though of course that is a tribute to them in some ways.

#7 Wendell and Domenick (Ghost Island)

Just when you thought game-long alliances were dead (nobody from the ten-season stretch of 26-35 made this list), these two revived the art form.

Finish: Wendell 1st, Domenick 2nd. They tied in the actual jury vote, but then Laurel, the third finalist, was charged with the tiebreaking vote.

Why they’re not higher: They both seemed to have idols the entire game, sometimes multiple idols, which made them safer throughout than a lot of these other alliances.

#6 Earl and Yau-Man (Fiji)

It’s amazing that this ultra-boring season could give us the top 10 of anything, but how could you not love the game being won by a black man in his 30s teaming up with an Asian in his 50s! And the older man is the one of the two who could win challenges!

Finish: Earl 1^st, Yau-Man 4^th (when Yau Man didn’t win the last immunity Earl wisely voted against him).

Why they’re not higher: The overall dullness of the season works against them, and Earl was effective but not memorable.

#5 Malcolm and Denise (Philippines)

Thrown together as the only two competent members of a weak tribe, these two made it all the way to the final four before severing the alliance because each was the biggest threat to the other. Denise became the first player to be at every tribal council for an entire season.

Finish: Denise 1st, Malcolm 4th

Why They’re Not Higher: Nobody ever really tried that hard to get rid of either one of them, their season was not as dramatic as some ranked above them, and Malcolm did way more than Denise did.

#4 Russell and Natalie (Samoa)

The tribe that went to the merge down 8-4 eliminated 7 of their opponents in a row, one of the most incredible runs ever. Their tribemate Mick finished third.

Finish: Natalie 1^st, Russell 2^nd

Why they’re not higher: Not exactly an even alliance, as this was Russell’s show all the way.

#3 Danni and Rafe (Guatemala)

The sportscasting gal from Tonganoxie, KS, allies with the gay wilderness guide. They rack up six individual immunity challenge wins between them. They promise to take each other to the finals, but there’s a big moment when Danni wins the final immunity and Rafe releases her from the promise. She votes him out and takes Stephenie instead.

Finish: Danni 1^st, Rafe 3^rd.

Why they’re not higher: Staying under the radar early was a key to their success, but I’m more impressed by the alliances that had an impact throughout the season.

#2 Tom and Ian (Palau)

It will be hard to ever top the drama of the final immunity challenge, with these two enduring for 12 hours until Ian felt guilty and gave up, with Tom voting him out on the spot and dispensing with tribal council.

Finish: Tom 1^st, Ian 3^rd

Why they’re not higher: They were in a strong group from the start, and it seems like they had fewer threats to withstand during the game than some other alliances.

#1 Todd and Amanda (China)

What a team – they formed their alliance in Episode 2 and were often shown strategizing throughout the game. They teamed up to find an idol and engineered the memorable blindside of James who had two idols. But the main reason I have them #1 is that they were both so good. I have Amanda in my top players of all time list, but Todd was just as devious, and it’s impressive that he was able to beat her out to win that season.

Finish: Todd 1^st, Amanda 3^rd

The tribe has spoken.

Survivor One World Episode 2: “Hold Me!”

Recycled challenges are not always a bad thing. This episode, the producers reused a challenge that forces both teams to balance on a long pole, and requires the person on the end to squeeze past all of the others until everyone is off the pole. There is built-in comedy here, at least with guys, because no man ever touches another man if he can avoid it, and in this challenge it’s unavoidable. Also, many funny quotes result such as Colton repeatedly shouting “Hold me!” Monica was the MVP of the girls’ tribe (not saying much because they were blown out) but perhaps overreacted a bit with her postgame assessment “I’m sad for women.”

Colton spent the entire show looking like one of the dumbest and worst players in the history of the show, but at least showed a glimmer of strategy when he conferred with his alliance-mates Troyzan, Jonas, and Leif. Still, he has made everyone in both tribes dislike or distrust him within just a couple of days, quite a feat. Declaring yourself an outsider before anyone else has had a chance to do so never works. When he gets voted out, he will probably spin it as nobody accepting his being gay. Guess what, idiot, some gay guys have done really well on this show, and a couple have won, in fact I just named one of them the 5th-best player of all time. Consider this: Richard Hatch whipped off his pants before half of the challenges and competed with his wiener flopping around, and even he related to everyone way better than Colton does!

Also, I tend to think that Colton came up with a repertoire of “killer” lines before coming on the show, and he’s just waiting for chances to work all of them in, to maximize screen time.

Colton should have gone on Big Brother, not Survivor. I could definitely see him saying “Who wants to see my HOH rooooom?”

Let’s briefly review the rest of the cast.

Nina (voted out): The older, super-outspoken type never wins, and I notice that police officers never do well on the show even though there is one in the cast almost every season. My analysis is that they are so used to having authority by virtue of their position that they are  ill-prepared to succeed in a more democratic setting.

Alicia: All talk and too outspoken. No chance to win.

Chelsea: Smart, seems athletic and knows not to have too high of a profile. One Survivor given is that if a female contestant has spectacular boobs, they will be on camera at every opportunity, Ashlee from Survivor Palau being exhibit A. Or rather Exhibit T. Anyway, Chelsea will continue to be on screen a lot.

Christina: The other women say she’s not playing the game, but we haven’t seen why. I always seem to like the Asian women who go on this show, yet they never seem to get far.

Kat: Dumb, but probably no more so than any 22-year-old.

Kim: The bridal shop owner is tight with Chelsea, and I could see these two taking that alliance all the way to the final 4 or 5, if not further. As mentioned previously, no doubt Kim’s experience dealing with bridezillas is the reason she’s handling the difficult personalities here. Or maybe I just have a crush on her. Or both.

Monica: Her profession is given as ex-NFL player’s wife, and that player is … Brad Culpepper? I remember him as a defensive lineman for the Vikings and Buccaneers. Monica is certainly athletic too, and seems to know what she’s doing.

Sabrina: Had the “leader” role thrust upon her, which can be the kiss of death, but the high school teacher handled it well.

In all, it seems that the women, though a weaker team, have some of the best individual players. But maybe we just know them better since they get most of the camera time.

I would break down the guys but… other than Colton none of them are on screen long enough to form an impression. Maybe next week?

Show highlight: The immunity challenge

Early favorites: Sabrina, Kim, Chelsea, Monica, Michael

No-chance list: Colton, Alicia.

I’m sad for women.

Followup Post … All-Kacie Edition!

I felt the need to go back and get another look at Ben’s ultra-lame answer to Kacie’s father’s question. Here it is:

Mr. Boguskie: “What made you choose Kacie to get this far?”

Ben: “Kacie has surprised me, I really… I like her a lot and I have since the very start.”

Mr. Boguskie: “Mm-hmm.”

Ben: “And, um, I don’t know, her ability to communicate, I think was… was a big thing and I just, I sensed this, this, this good quality in her and since that first meeting we’ve had, um, you know, a great relationship.”

Very weak. Either he should have had a better answer (beautiful, blew me away, etc.), or as an alternative, he could have sung the Officer Krupke song from West Side Story, adapting the lyrics to  say “Gee, Buster Boguskie…”

I also had another look at the climactic limo cry. Now, it so happens I made the drive from (near the) Beverly Wilshire Hotel to LAX airport just a few months ago. At no time did I need to drive down any secluded mountain roads en route. However in between each shot of Kacie you see the limo heading down just such a road. Conclusion: I suspect stock footage may have been used.

Hmm, something in a reality show wasn’t real? Perish the thought.

 

 

The girls are all-in, Ben’s not. Plus: How To Creep Out A Guy in 10 Seconds.

I’m not sure I can type because I’m in such suspense about the mystery visitor Ben will get next week! Just kidding, the chances are about one to a googolplex that it is anybody but Ashley, and any doubt was removed by seeing those spindly legs on the preview. Gosh, I hope she announces that she has dumped J.P., who is so annoying.

On to this Monday’s show, the eagerly awaited “hometowns” show. Hmm, why are all of these parents so skeptical just because their daughters are proclaiming Ben the love of their lives after one date? Yes, I looked it up: Kacie B. was the only one of the four to have two one-on-one dates, the others only had one date each.

We begin with Lindzi Cox, whose name is just that second X away from being in pornstar territory (or third X). Hmm, her horse farm is in Florida, how unusual. Maybe not really, but I associate Florida with two groups: Crockett and Tubbs and old Jewish men. Neither group is particularly easy to envision on horseback. I could not envision Edward James Olmos or Dan Marino on horseback either.

Lindzi is a nice person. Not a particularly good listener though, since it seems she never knew where her parents had gotten married and is shocked when they say it was at City Hall in San Francisco. Perhaps that never came up in 27 years of conversations. She loves Ben, but it’s not mutual. Ben’s go-to line for the chicks he isn’t that into is: “There are moments when I could see myself loving this woman.” He uses a variation on that here.

Then we come to Kacie Boguskie. Yes, I said Boguskie — that name was spoken on air for the first time this week. Hmm, if it’s between Ms. Boguskie, Ms. Cox or Ms. Shteamer (see an earlier post) I guess Boguskie doesn’t sound so bad. Back on January 20th,  I wrote, “Kacie is a lock to at least make the hometown visits, and I would give her about a 95% chance to make the final two.” What a naive fool I was back on January 20th! At least I was right about the hometowns.

I’m not sure what went wrong exactly (and neither is she), but when her father asked Ben what he likes about her he wasn’t really able to come up with anything! Did he really say “She communicates well, blah blah blah?” I did not see that coming, but I knew right there that either she or Lindzi would be going home. A bad situation because Kacie loves Ben.

Nicki is still around believe it or not, and thank goodness for that because I was dreading having to see her cry. When that comes, it will be the most heartbreaking cry of the season, I triple guarantee you. A corny date at the Fort Worth Stockyards is followed by the nicest of the family visits. As for Ben getting serious with her, “Why wouldn‘t he want that,” she says. Why indeed. Ben seemed less glib on this visit than the others, and hard to read — is that because he has the least feelings for her or the most?

Her last name didn’t come up, but my curiosity drove me to look it up just now: Nicki Sterling. Slight pornstar potential there, but she is such a sweetheart that I will ignore that. As is the case with the previous two, she is nuts about Ben.

On to the date with Courtney. Much like Ashley did with William the cellphone salesman on the Bachelorette, Courtney decides doing a fake marriage ceremony complete with rings would be a good idea. Very creepy, and even Ben who has the hots for Courtney in a big way is nonplused by the turn of events. I have to say this whole thing gave me insight into Courtney, though. Maybe she really isn’t a bad person but just a 12 year old, or even 10 year old, emotionally. Sigmund Freud, get the heck down to Arizona and bring Carl Jung with ya!

I had been fairly curious to see what Courtney’s parents were like. Her mom slips into borderline baby voice at times, so now we know where Courtney got her own baby voice. Wow, two baby-voiced women, one of whom is a model who needs Freud to make a house call, plus a sister who can’t listen to a secret without blabbing it out five minutes later. Dad must be going insane sharing a house with these three women. Apparently he deals with it by making signs that say “Casa De Robertson” and similarly twee things.

I suppose Courtney has to be the favorite to win now. I just don’t see the chemistry with Lindzi, and although Nicki seems to be making such a strong push at the end, I saw too little before this week to really buy it.

To the Rose Ceremony at… the Beverly Wilshire hotel! Why was the Bachelor mansion booked, I wonder? Anyway, Kacie B did not get a rose. I legitimately think she was shocked, too. In the limo she said “What the f— happened?”

Sweetheart, better to be Miss Boguskie than Mrs. Bogus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Top Ten Survivor Players Ever

[Updated to include seasons through #40]

Having ranked the previous seasons in another posts, I got to thinking about the greatest individual players in Survivor history.

This list has evolved over the years. When I first did it, the likes of Johnny Fairplay, Rob Cesternino, or Danni were at least in consideration for the top ten. I have since cleaned it up to reflect players who remain in that conversation after 40 seasons.

Honorable Mentions (in alphabetical order)

Brenda was certainly formidable. “You’re the black widow, king cobra and black mamba all rolled into one,” said Marty. Brenda was one sharp cookie and used her looks to soften up all of the men. She was the best player on her season (Nicaragua).  Ultimately, I had to leave her off the list because of her last day on the show when she seemed like she was “too good” to scramble for a vote. An Amanda, Parvati, or even Danni would never have been that passive. Then when Brenda came back for Survivor Caramoan, she was low-key and aside from a couple of challenge wins, didn’t do much.

Cirie: I don’t share America’s fascination with her (or Jeff Probst’s), but I do admit that she had a strong social game and was awfully crafty throughout. A successful, good player, but not top ten. And she was awfully good in her fourth appearance, Game Changers.

Colby: I had him in my top ten when I first did the list some years ago. A tough competitor in Australia but goofed by taking the wrong person to the finals. Plus, in his subsequent two Survivor appearances he was a dud.

Jeremy: I wondered what all the fuss was about in San Juan Del Sur but he answered that question by winning Cambodia. And in Winners at War he was a huge threat to win the game despite never having a strong alliance.

Joe (Worlds Apart, Cambodia, Edge of Extinction): Could very well be the best challenge competitor of all, but that arguably hurts him more than it helps as everyone is continually obsessed with voting him out.

Malcolm is certainly an excellent player, and very fun to watch, but not top ten. For all of his positives, the negatives are that he never made the finals, overconfidence knocked him out in two of his three seasons, and he was a good but not great challenge competitor. He’s one of the few three-timers I would want to see back for a fourth time.

Mike (Worlds Apart) was in my top ten for years but has dropped out. He pulled off the incredibly impressive feat of winning five of the last six immunity challenges (and he played an idol the one time he didn’t win). Every other player was gunning for him all six weeks, so if he had one even one less he would not have made the finals. His social game was also good except for his food auction blunder when he tried a trick he had just promised he wouldn’t try.

Ozzy has also been knocked out of the top ten. The freakishly athletic guy climbs trees and swims like a jungle animal. When it was time for a concentration-type challenge he had the concentration of a Zen master. Strung together a number of challenge wins in South Pacific. Made it to the finals of Cook Islands, only losing by one vote 5-4, and was the last person voted out of South Pacific. On the downside, he did not master the social game, and he got crushes on a couple of the women in the game which led him to make poor decisions.

Sandra: If she’s won the show twice, that proves it’s not luck, right? Well, sort of. While an unpleasant person who’s not much for challenges, she was a good strategist who mastered the art of staying out of the fray while bigger personalities self-destructed. I give her credit for that, but luck also played a part both times. Her best game actually came in Game Changers even though she was taken out fairly early. I’m going to disregard her halfhearted effort years later on Winners at War.

Stephenie: This New Jersey gal is tough as nails, very athletic and incredibly competitive. She was the last surviving member of her tribe in Palau. When she came back for Guatemala, she made it to the final two and you could make an argument that she deserved to win. The final challenge in Guatemala with Stephenie, Rafe, and Danni was very memorable. It came down to the two women and Stephenie gutted it out a really long time but finally slid to the ground and burst into tears. Stephenie didn’t have the social graces of some of the top players and could rub people the wrong way, but she is still one of the best female players to date.

Todd: Other than Richard Hatch and Boston Rob, he’s the only other obviously devious guy to win it all, as opposed to the “everybody’s best friend” type. Great finals oratory saved his bacon, and he strategized very well in his season. Just not top-ten caliber.

Tyson: When it comes to challenges he is one of the all-time greats, and his performance in Blood vs. Water was spectacular. I don’t have him ranked higher because that was the only season of his four in which he put it all together to have a shot to win.

And now we come to the top ten, in reverse order to maximize suspense:

#10 Russell (Samoa, Heroes vs. Villains, Redemption Island)

At first I saw Russell as a hissable villain, but then I began cheering for him during his incredible comeback in Samoa. His tribe went to the merge down 8-4 and incredibly managed to get seven consecutive people from the other tribe voted out!

Best finder of immunity idols since that twist was introduced, and pioneered the strategy of looking for one before the announcement that one had been placed! Russell is tireless, and he gets in the heads of his competitors.

I’m not sure we’ll see a better duel than the Rob vs. Russell battle that raged through Heroes vs. Villains. This was up there with Godzilla versus Mothra or the Hulk vs. the Thing. The Survivor producers tried to recapture that magic in Redemption Island, but Russell’s teammates were so obsessed with getting him out that they tanked a challenge on purpose to do so, a strategic blunder that they never recovered from.

Got to the finals on his first two seasons. Definitely should have won the first time, and probably both times.

Why he’s not ranked even higher: The same reason he has never won: Russell is not about making friends except for strategic purposes, and flying under the radar is not his M.O. People get mad at him for outmaneuvering them.

Most memorable moment: There are so many, but I’d have to go with the Tribal Council “No, not this time” moment that ousted Tyson (which I’ve already covered in two other posts).

#9 Kim (One World, Winners at War)

She won four challenges in One World but her main skill was making everyone like her even as she manipulated them. Had a sincere way of looking people in the eye, and everyone thought she was on their side.

Why she’s not even higher: Had the weakest competition of any top player and had it too easy in her initial season. In Winners at War her voodoo didn’t work as well, though ninth of twenty winners isn’t bad and with a couple more breaks I could have seen her make the finals or even win.

Most memorable moment: Didn’t really have one, another reason why she’s not ranked higher.

#8 Sarah (Cagayan, Game Changers, Winners at War)

Sarah was part of every key vote on Game Changers and engineered one of the all-time “gangster” moves in getting the Legacy Advantage. If you find it curious that I have her ahead of Kim: consider the Winners at War season which both were in — making everyone think you’re their best friend is supposedly Kim’s trademark but Sarah did it much more successfully. If Sarah hadn’t lost the firemaking challenge to Tony she could very well have become a two-time winner.

Why she’s not even higher: Her first effort in Cagayan is not memorable in the slightest, luckily the producers saw enough to want to being her back.

Most memorable moment: In Game Changers, noticing an advantage everyone else missed and swimming over to slip it in her shoe after the challenge.

#7 Amanda (China, Fans vs. Favorites, Heroes vs. Villains)

An excellent strategist who engineered many a key vote, including more than one blindside. Formed strong alliances in the game (Todd in China, Parvati in Fans vs. Favorites, and also with James in multiple seasons). Did pretty well in challenges too.

Made the finals of her first two seasons, making it close the second time at 5-3. Should have won Fans vs. Favorites for sure.

Why she’s not even higher: The only thing missing is her ability to “close the deal” by winning over a jury. Women in the game seem intimidated by her looks, and sometimes other players don’t see her as sincere.

 Most memorable moment: In Fans vs. Favorites, Amanda tells everyone she didn’t find the idol at Exile Island, and we are not shown her finding it. Then she pulls it out at Tribal Council – the votes against her do not count. She was telling the truth, too, having found it at camp later.

#6 Tony (Cagayan, Game Changers, Winners At War)

I had Tony as a mere honorable mention until he won the game for the second time, and with a masterful performance at that. A force of nature who’s almost definitely the most entertaining player of all time, he reined in his game and somehow beat 19 other season-winners despite being considered one of the top threats.

Why he’s not higher: In Game Changers he flamed out almost instantly by overdoing things, In Cagayan he played very hard and was the best player on his season, but was over-aggressive and was fortunate to stay in the game, though he did make it work as only he can.

Most memorable moment: His “spy shack” was his trademark, and he arguably topped it with the “spy nest” in his third season.

#5 Richard (Borneo, All-Stars)

The mastermind who basically invented the concept of the alliance. In All-Stars he didn’t do so well, but everyone had their sights on him from the start.

Why he’s not higher: If he were on a Survivor today, with what works strategically and and what doesn’t being so well-established, he would still be a great player but would not dominate the way he did in Season One.

Most memorable moment: Upon being voted out of All-Stars, he exclaims “I’ve been bamboozled!”

#4 Parvati (Cook Islands, Fans vs. Favorites, Heroes vs. Villains)

The best female player to date. In Cook Islands all she did was flirt, in her other two seasons she flirted with everyone too but used that skill to devastating effect, becoming one of the most dangerous players in the game

She won Fans vs. Favorites and was more deserving than Sandra in Heroes vs. Villains, losing the final vote 6-3 with Russell getting no votes. Even in Cook Islands she made it to sixth. She has spent more days on Survivor than anyone but Boston Rob, who played four seasons to her three.

Why she’s not even higher: While her social game is arguably the best of any player, and she was solid in challenges, she’s not a super- athlete like those ranked ahead of her.

Most memorable moment: In Heroes vs. Villains, she gives two idols (one of which she kept secret from Russell) to tribemates at Tribal Council.

#3 Yul (Cook Islands, Winners at War)

Sort of a superhero, a great athlete with a genius IQ as well as being a likable guy. He found an immunity idol in the second episode and used his possession of it to his advantage throughout the season without ever actually playing it. He teamed with Ozzy to make a comeback despite being down 8-4, and edged Ozzy in the finals.

Why he’s not even higher: While he was the best player in his only season, the competition was less than other top players have faced – Parvati was not the player she later became, and Ozzy was Yul’s ally. When I first wrote this list I wrote, “It would have been interesting to see Yul against someone like Boston Rob, Terry Dietz, Russell, or Stephenie.” We did finally see this in Winners at War, and despite being 15 years older he gave a good accounting of himself. If he hadn’t overplayed his hand on the episode he was knocked out he could have been a contender.

Most memorable moment: None, as behind-the-scenes maneuvering rather than making a big splash was his secret.

#2 Tom (Palau and Heroes vs. Villains)

All hail Tom. Tom was your basic women-want-to-have-him-men-want-to-be-him type, and despite being 40 and grey-haired when the show was shot, he dominated like almost no other. He outlasted Ian in an incredibly grueling final challenge in a season when many challenges were very tough, and the season had a number of good players vying with him.

Why he’s not even higher: While he was unbelievable in Palau, when he came back for Heroes and Villains he was not the same player (though in fairness he was 45 that second time around), and the only player ranked ahead of him dominated multiple seasons.

Most memorable moment: He killed a shark on-camera. How much more impressive can you get than that?

#1 “Boston” Rob Mariano (Marquesas, All-Stars, Heroes vs. Villains, Redemption Island, Winners at War).

Could I choose anyone else and keep a straight face? When the best strategist and the best challenge competitor in the game are one person, that makes things pretty clear-cut.

I did not see his first season in Marquesas when he didn’t even make the jury, but let’s look at the rest of his body of work: In All-Stars after winning over Amber, he gets himself and his girlfriend to the finals and ends up finishing second and married to the million-dollar winner. In Heroes vs. Villains he delivers a great battle with Russell despite not making the jury. Then came his masterstroke, Redemption Island, where he picked the perfect 6-person tribe that he took all the way to the final 6, and won the final vote 8-1, winning the final challenge and plenty of other challenges along the way.

Heck, he even went on The Amazing Race and dominated that, only losing when his competitors convinced an airline to bring a  plane that was on the runway back to the terminal in an incredibly suspicious turn of events.

And then he was back on Winners at War at age 43. Despite being everyone’s main target from the first minute, he gave an impressive accounting of himself that season too.

Most memorable moment: In Redemption Island, Rob gets the tribe off of their beach, fakes an upset stomach and says he has to go to the bathroom, then sprints away to search for the immunity idol.

The tribe has spoken.

Survivor premiere follow-ups

Some Survivor premiere followups….

From the Dalton Ross recap on EW.com:

“Regardless, the challenge is over, unless Probst can somehow convince the men to do the dumbest thing in the history of Survivor and continue on under the threat of possibly losing their immunity, but seeing as how the tribe is not made up of Erik Reichenbach, James Clement, J.T. Thomas, Tyson Apostol, John Cochran, and Brandon Hantz, that’s not going to happen.”

Hilarious, and how impressive to see all of the biggest Survivor dumbasses mentioned in one place. What a trip down memory lane. In my recent ranking of previous seasons I addressed the demises of Erik and James as being the most memorable moments of those respective seasons.

I also touched on Tyson’s ouster, though I can’t recall all of the intricate details of what led up to it. This clip didn’t refresh my memory about the exact numbers but it was still the most incredible Tribal Council moment ever. I had forgotten about Tyson’s final words “I’m still pretty awesome.” A pretty good character and yet look who else is on hand: Boston Rob (greatest player of all time), two other winners in Parvati and Sandra, a guy who should have won at least once in Russell, Coach who should have won last season, plus Danielle and Courtney, not great players but at least very quotable players… and that was just the Villains tribe! Great season.

But back to the idiot recap: J.T. (also in Heroes vs. Villains) wrote Russell a note offering him his immunity idol, thinking Russell a good guy who was on the outs in his tribe (in reality he was neither). Nerd Cochran (South Pacific) betrayed his own tribe out of the desire to make a “big move” in the game, even though doing so went against all good sense. I don’t recall one particular blunder by Brandon, but on every show he threw all common sense to the wind because he was so overcome by guilt about some nonsense or other.

I also thought some quotes from the contestant bios were worthy of discussion.

Chelsea: ”I haven’t seen any country girls who have a strong redneck side that are strong competitors.” Err, there have been several. Jane from Nicaragua comes to mind… Jane could have been cast in Deliverance for gosh sakes.

Colton: Considers himself ”a mix of Queen Parvati, Corinne, and JT.” Hmm, so a combination of flirt, bitch, and likable country guy who’s sometimes smart, sometimes dumb? Weird. But so is Colton.

Christina: Her bio makes her sound like an Asian version of Leslie Knope from Parks and Recreation. Her pet peeve is “When people have poor follow-up skills.” As for the Survivor contestant she is most like, she mentions Kristina from Redemption Island (the super-aggressive older brunette who tried to outsmart Boston Rob and failed utterly) and Francesca (the buzz-cut, very smart and quotable  black girl from the same season). Err, weren’t those the first two people voted out that season? That might say it all about Christina right there.

Jonas: Says he is most like Fabio (the winner of Survivor Nicaragua) “I’m perceived as being very care free on the outside, but on the inside I’m an intense competitor.” Man, your bio has like 200 words in it and none of them are “man” or “dude,” dude! Therefore you are not like Fabio. The DEA is probably getting a warrant for Jonas’ house just in case.

Kim: Says she is most like “Stephenie LaGrossa from Palau, because she’s a badass (total honey badger). Also, Elisabeth Hasselbeck because she was friendly but competitive and Amanda because she is tall.” Hmm, I do see some Amanda in her and also some Parvati. I kinda have a crush on Kim… for now.

Leif: I would have thought he’d compare himself to Wee Man from Jackass or Puck from Alpha Flight, but he too picks Fabio.

DEA, you have your work cut out for you.

 

 

C’mon in guys! Survivor: One World begins

Hmm, the new season begins with a new twist (both tribes on one beach) and the abolition of a previous twist, the Redemption Island concept that lasted for two seasons. In retrospect Redemption Island was a terrible idea, because it took away the most dramatic part of the game, namely the sudden elimination of a contestant.

In a way I hate it when they tinker with the formula at all, or I did until I watched Hell’s Kitchen for a few seasons. Then I realized that it’s bad when you don’t do any tinkering at all. Heck, they didn’t even change the menu, it was scallops and risotto every season! The result was that every season was the same, and therefore boring and not worth watching.

Observations on the first episode:

– Survivor is one of the few HD shows that actually takes advantage of the HD. Wow.

– The women had all learned each other’s names in no time. Guys are cooler about that kind of thing. “Hey man.” “Hey buddy.” That goes a long way.

– The plan to “steal an ember” was ridiculous. It’s hard enough to start a fire in a fireplace with a box full of matches sometimes!

– Leif the midget is an interesting character who surprisingly got little screen time. He’s tiny but strong, kind of like Puck from Alpha Flight.

– Someone said “Oh, snap” on this show, something I had never heard until Courtney said it on the Bachelor 48 hours ago. Did this become a nationwide catchphrase in 48 hours?

– Jonas is a dead ringer for a guy I know. But I will never mention it to the guy so he doesn’t think I think all Asians look alike. Race relations are a minefield.

– Michael seems like a contender, but no square-jawed “hunk from central casting” type has ever won Survivor so the odds are against him.

– Interesting falling, Part I: Courtney somehow managed to stretch out her arms despite being told repeatedly not to do that, and immediately broke her wrist (no biggie — any tattooed contestant who goes on about how she’s an outsider never wins, and there have been several). Wow, I see now that she’s from Austin. That is zero surprise. Just look at her!

– Interesting falling, Part II: Colton managed to look gay even while plummeting through the air, which seems tough to do.

– Sabrina actually said “Don’t let him pump your ass”… to a gay guy. Ahem. What she meant was, “Don’t let him extract information from you.”

Early favorite: I really don’t have one yet. The only players who somewhat impressed me were Sabrina and Kim. Sabrina is obviously playing the game at least. As for Kim, she seems like she’d be able to charm the guys for sure, and since she’s a bridal shop owner she can probably handle crazed women as well as anyone.

No-chance list:

I suppose I should first underline the serious consequences of landing on my no-chance list. I have been keeping this list for 11 or 12 seasons now. Once you are on the list, you are on it for the entire season, and only two players have ever won after being put on the list: Parvati in Fans vs. Favorites and Sandra in Heroes vs. Villains.

Colton: He burned his bridges with the straight guys on the first day, and I have a hunch the girls will think of him as too devious and untrustworthy.

Alicia: You’d think she had never watched Survivor. Coming out of the gate with a strong personality is not the way to go, and I predict she will rub many people the wrong way.

Time for you to go.